Emo

Feeling emo in relation to the current state of things...
relationship issues remain unresolved...
work not bringing about satisfaction....
not knowing where I am heading.....

Tried to find someone to talk to the other day...
sent texts to the few people who I can trust...
but noone is free to reply or spare an hour or two for me...

Christmas spent surrounded by family and friends...
but will they still be here in 20 years time...
will I be all alone, with noone to celebrate with...

Refocus.
Pray.
Try to not avoid it.

Festive Season

There are so many reasons for joy - the birth of our Saviour, the Christmas parties where we exchange gifts for one another, being involved as part of the initiative at work to donate food to the homeless....

But my mind is focused on just one issue... a choice I have to make, a choice which I may regret or be excited about...

Throughout my life, I have been at this stage many times. But each time is harder than the last. Maybe I carry too much burdens. Maybe I still don't know what to do.

I can continue to live my life, to be with people, and try not to address the issue. I can laugh with people to try to cover my sense of uneasiness. I can continue to type "lol" to people but not mean it. But when things quiet down, the issue is there again. It will be haunting me unless there is a resolution.

It's hard for others to help me. What do I expect them to do? Ultimately its up to me and what I feel is the right decision to make.

Crying in the party

Work Christmas party.

Year after year its the same thing. Costumes. Dinner. Drinks. Dancing.

This year, a text message on my phone changed everything. Why did she send that message? What did I do to make her send it? I tried calling her, but her phone was off. All I could do was send her a reply asking her what was wrong.

My colleague next to me knew something was wrong, and asked if I was ok. Hell, no, but what could I say to him? I didn't even know what was wrong myself. All I said was that things were fine, but I wanted to leave the party. And I did leave the party early and the whole night I was thinking and dreaming of what could be the reason.

The next day I got another text message with certain accusations. Are women from Venus and men from Mars? I did not know how she came to those conclusions. I was upset and hurt by them. I couldn't be bothered ringing her back, and all I could do was send an email back to her explaining the situation. She sent me a text wanting to talk after that. But the fact that she sent the text message already affected me so much that I still cannot face her at this point in my life. Even though we were supposed to talk today, I couldn't bring myself to it. I just don't know what to do.

I am so confused right now that I don't know what I am saying and whether there were any truth in what she said.

The only thing I know is that this song continues to be in my head the past few days.

Mess.....

Personal life in a mess...

Why am I such a noob? What's wrong with me? Why do I like to avoid questions and build all these walls around me so that I block out everyone? Maybe its past experience, maybe it is fear of failure, maybe its insecurity......

............

Types

When we reach a certain age, we will be used to either being alone, or the fact that we have a partner.

A person who is used to having a partner most of their lives will feel so empty after losing that partner. They will then find themselves with so many free time and they would not know how to use such time. They may try to hang out with their friends, but since they have a partner for most of their lives, they may already have neglected their friends, and such friends may not be able to give time to them. They will be reminded that they will need to find another partner as soon as possible, and as a consequence, they will actively find another partner.

A person who is used to being single will be used to being alone and independent. That person will try to fill up their lives with so many activities and friends so that they won't feel lonely. If a partner comes into that person's life, that person will need time to adjust and may find it difficult to fit the partner into their busy schedules.

These two types of people will not understand each other. The person used to being alone thinks that the person used to having a partner falls too easily in love with others. The person used to having a partner thinks that the person used to being alone takes so long to act which may result in plenty of lost opportunities.

So the singles continue to be singles, and the couples continue to be couples.

Maybe it is a choice between independence and love or a choice between loneliness and business, depending on one's perspective.

If we are in the transitional stage from one to another, maybe all we can do is learn by experience. But its hard. And no-one seems to understand the dilemma until they are the same type of person as you and have experienced the transition stage.

Miss Saigon

Ten years have passed since I watched this musical last time.

This time round, I was able to appreciate more of the more subtle messages from the story.

I remembered when I watched the musical ten years ago, I could not reason why the love existed. I also did not understand the reason why she took her own life in the end.

This time when I watched it, I am able to comprehend. In a war, they were each other's only source of escape and provided a breath of fresh air in each other's life. However, once the soilder returns back to their country, they will be back to their familiar surroundings, and that kind of love would soon be forgotten. Apparently, such stories were common during the Vietnam war, and there may still be women waiting for their soldiers to return today.

Taking her own life in the end was an act of love for her son. Her sacrifice was the only way to guarantee her son's passage to the US.

Watching this musical reminds me how great we are to live in this society, being free from war and having so much opportunities. We should be appreciative of the many soldiers who have risked their lives to ensure that we continue to enjoy this peace and freedom. However, the musical also reminds us that the cost of wars may be greater than the benefit it brings, and wars may be seen as a futile attempt by man to take control of something which he has no control over.

Homeless people

Providing pro bono legal advice for homeless people has been rewarding. The work may be tedious. The clients may have mental issues and stink of urine. But for once, I feel like I am doing something that is actually helping people who are genuinely in need.

We take for granted the liberties we have in our lives. But for a homeless person, they are sometimes being exploited or stripped of their basic rights. It is amazing how discriminatory people are in treating others.

Seeing these people in the state they are in saddens my heart. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could evangelise to them as well?

I felt a bit guilty getting there and leaving there by cab, while seeing people struggle on the streets. However, I am sure they do not see it that way.

Even though it was only half a day, I have gained so much more insight in that time than weeks of working on big transactions. I spent the rest of the day in the office doing some follow up work for these homeless people, ignoring my real work for corporate clients.

I am looking forward to the next time I go there. It has given me a new perspective on life.

Carpe Aeternitatem

Carpe Aeternitatem. Latin phrase. Translated to mean "Seize eternity".

What are we doing with our lives? Everything we do in our lives seems to be centered upon the present. What are we doing for eternity?

Maybe we should be continually reminded that this life is limited. Life passes away in a flash of an eye. Events from ten years ago only seem like last week. How many ten years do we have in our lives?

We spend our time deciding our work. We buy into the concept that our 'career' gives us value and satisfaction. We spend more and more time trying to advance our career, thinking that this would give us value. And in the end, we get more dissatisfied, because our value cannot be defined by this life, but by eternity. The whole concept of a career centers upon this life. Maybe work should be a means for us to support ourselves, so that we can use our time and resources to "seize eternity". What eternal value do we have by earning millions of dollars? But if we spend our time with people, telling them of the great news, we will be affecting their eternal status. Isn't this more worthwhile then doing things for ourselves for this life only?

This leads to the question of being in full time ministry. Should we seize eternity in this way? Not everyone is gifted in teaching. If we are gifted in teaching the Word of God, then why not? Are we still focused on this life? Are we not concerned about the eternity of others.

But can we do both? The longer we work, the more work demands of your time, resources and energy. It would be very hard to do both. And the worldly value of secular work is always in conflict with our values in eternity.

I am continued to be challenged. I am continued to be intrigued. I am continued to be humbled.

Back to Square One

So close and yet so far....

To have a job offer on hand, to have signed the offer and to have made plans to make to move... only to be struck by uncertainty and doubt with events happening at the last minute, resulting in me withdrawing my acceptance...

Maybe this is an indication that I should be pursuing something else... something totally different...

Although I feel mentally tired and strained by the whole process, I feel at peace with the decision I have made. The favourable response from the other side came as a bit of a surprise, so maybe I made the right decision as there were other factors happening on the other side I am not aware of.

It is ironic that the more option one has, the more one feels traps in one's current situation.

Facebook

The Facebook phenomena is reaching record heights. Everyone has an account on Facebook. Some offices have banned access to the website from their workers. People can spend hours on it, going through the friends' lists of their friends to see if there are people they know, and trying to reconnect with old friends. It is a very handy tool for people to keep up to date with everyone.

However, Facebook is also a tool which gives people a superficial sense of care and love towards others, by sending free virtual gifts to people to express their care. It eliminates the need for us to communicate with people face to face, creating a false sense of security in people that they have a whole array of friends on their list, most of which are mere acquaintances. Its convenience is sacrificed by genuine relationship building, where a few virtual gifts are used to define the extent of a person's relationship with others.

Use Facebook by all means, but do not replace physical contact with a website.

Tommy

The musical "Tommy" brings us into a life journey, allowing us to seek through our emotions and physical circumstances, to discover our purpose in life and realising that the purpose may only be subjective. However, the musical also showed the hypocrisies that exist in the world, in terms of people, world events and religions.

Everyone is searching for something to cling onto, to hang on and to build their hope on. Everyone wants to discover things that others have discovered that they themselves have not, but in the end we just realise that all the so-called discoveries are just the same things, repackaged in a different format. Maybe each one of us is like Tommy, living in our own small world, seeing the same things with different visions, thoughts and analysis. All of us face the same choice - to continue to live in our own fantasy world, or to rise above the world and see what this world and our life is really about.

Death

Death... it is closer than it seems. Each day we live, we are one day older, and one step closer to death.

Death can come upon us at anytime. One of my client recently just died in his sleep. No signs beforehand. He was only in his 50s.

Death brings about an emotions in people, as death involves the severance of ties and relationships. Singing at a funeral in front of crying people makes me so emotional, the impact of which lasted for days.

Death... it is closer than it seems. After all, death is only one breath away or one heartbeat away.

Cash Values 2

I've been told that my views in the previous posts are too optimistic. I was told that living a life costs money, and it is wrong for me to assume that all is fine, when we are supposed to have money for our daily needs, as well as putting money aside for emergencies, for our kids, for our family, and so on.

This is all true. But how much can we calculate? How much can we save up for? Sometimes we go too far with our pursuit of money that we end up neglecting other aspects of our lives. Money cannot bring back lost relationships and neglected friendships. Money cannot buy back those special moments in our child's life that we missed simply because we are at work.

If everyone is to be concerned about how much we earn or whether we have enough for the future, there will be a number of jobs which no one will be doing.

I am not saying that we should not be prudent with our money. All I am saying is that we should be satisfied with what we have, and do not use money as a justification for our actions.

Look at it this way - if the average Australian household's annual income is only $50,000 per year, no-one earning more than that should be using the argument that they need to make more money to save for emergencies. If the average Australian can survive on that salary, so can we.

Cash Values

Been thinking about finances and money lately, especially with my pending decision about work and stuff.

How much money does one need? When we think about it, its doesn't amount to much.

But we have been lured into a force sense of security by the need to have everything new and latest. Possessions have become our security in life. We comfort ourselves by the material things we gather. We compare ourselves with others by the wealth we have.

Our occupations have become a status symbol, a role which gives us value in life. We look up to people with certain occupations. We give respect to people who are wealthy.

But even with all that wealth, are we happy? What is more important in life? A mansion in which you live alone, or a small flat where there is a constant gathering of people who care for you in your life?

On our death bed, do we look back and feel proud at the portfolio of assets we have accumulated? Or do we feel regret for the lack of care we have shown to our loved ones as we spent all our time on our job and the lost opportunities in building our relations with people?

I know a person who is dying from a terminal illness at the moment, and she is now in her last days. The only material thing that is giving her comfort in these last days is a self-held fan costing $2.00, which cools her constantly. Her main source of comfort is her faith in God and the people who visits her every day.

And in a sense, we all have more than we need. How much of our wealth do we give away generously? To most of us, none.

Have a look at the Global Rich List as well as Miniature Earth. It will put things into perspective.

Hillsong Conference 2007

The growth of Hillsong over the years have been phenomenal. Unfortunately, due to bad press and non support from some evangelical groups, mainstream conservative Christians still have doubts about them. People expect that sermons at Hillsong are filled with the message of prosperity gospel and that people there frequently speak aloud in tongues. They expect songs from Hillsong to have questionable lyrics.

But can we be so judgmental? Some conservative Chinese churches teach some sort of prosperity gospel. I have heard sermons about how tithing is still relevant in Chinese sermons (even though it is widely accepted that this concept is under the Old Covenant which has been abolished under the New Covenant). I have heard sermons in evangelical churches where passages are taken out of context. Sure, Hillsong may take passages out of context in relation to giving and receiving, but that is a danger we see in all churches, not just Hillsong.

Music is the soul and heart of Hillsong. On the night I was there at this year's conference, Hillsong United sang some of their famous numbers. The highlight was Chris Tomlin, whose voice was mesmerising. Again, How Great is our God brought tears in my eyes. His rendition of The Wonderful Cross and Amazing Grace comforted the souls around the stadium.

Overall the experience to me was positive. It was wonderful to see people committing themselves to God. The greatness of God was highlighted in the sermon, and reminded once again how insignificant we are compared to the great God. If we are willing to cast away our prejudice, maybe we can see that God works through different means and media. This is something conservative evangelical Christians need to understand.

Blast from the past

Last Saturday morning, I was walking along George Street going to a colleagues place for lunch,when I saw her walking towards me. At first I wondered whether it was her. She has not changed over the past 10 years. As we approach each other, I pretended not to see her, and she walked right past me.

Was it her? Was it not her?

I remembered the events from 10 years ago. My first girlfriend. The memories we shared. The hurt we caused. They are still as fresh today as they were 10 years ago.

10 years passed by so quickly. Alot has changed, alot hasn't changed. She may be married by now.

The last time I saw her was about 5 years ago, when I bumped into her and her boyfriend in a restaurant, where I was dining with my (then) girlfriend. We had a brief chat, introduced our partners, and that was that.

Then last night, I dreamt of bumping into her again and talking to her. I woke up with a really weird feeling. Maybe there is still things I have not dealt with from the past? Or maybe I am just too sentimental?

Music Therapy

Music has a therapeutic power. This week I've been a bit more happier at work, all because of the power of music.

Last Saturday night, I spent rehearsing for the Sunday service, rearranging songs and determining the parts for instruments. After song leading on Sunday, some of the songs stay in my mind and I was reminded of God's grace and providence during the week.

Monday night, I taught piano, and I had a great time collaborating with my student, teaching him chords and composition basics.

Heard a worship CD last night which brightened my spirits.

Sometimes I wonder what if I pursued and developed deeper my interests in music. Maybe I could have been a music therapist, bring relief to others and myself.

Greater Good 2

Another person in my group is not happy about being overworked. What can I do to help this poor girl, who is only a graduate, having been in our group for less than 2 months, and already working endlessly weekdays and weekends, with no breaks. I feel sorry for her. In alot of respects, I understand her, as I am going through similar emotions.

Maybe it is time for me to do something, and speak out on behalf of the group. This can't last forever, and I just can't think of myself. Maybe I should do something for the greater good. I can't just hope things will change.

Play! - A Video Game Symphony

Attending the show makes me realise how much work goes behind the music we take for granted in games. It also brings back memories from childhood, when I was playing games such as Super Mario Bros and Zelda, and made me appreciate how much my parents have given me when I was young. Listening to music from Final Fantasy and Halo reminds me of the explosion of the instant messaging and how this has changed our way of communication forever. While music from World of Warcraft and later games reminds me of my age.

V-Tech Rampage

Recently, a game appeared on the internet, titled V-Tech Rampage, which uses the events of the Virginia Tech massacre earlier this year. The game involves the player playing the role of Cho, the perpetrator in the actual massacre. There are three stages in the game reflecting the events of the massacre - the killing of the girl he liked, the sending of the parcel to the media and the final shooting spree at the Norris Hill building.

The game is so realistic that it sends chills down my spine when playing it. Alot of debate has subsequently be made as to whether it is ethical for the creator to make such games, as the game seems to glorify such killings.

However, the same argument can apply to war games people play, such as Medal of Honour or Civilization. We are more insensitive to these games as the events happen in a different time period to our current age and time. But these games also seem to be glorifying killings with ultimate winner is the one who defeats the other side(s) by killing.

Should we think more about the games we play?

Gone

Everyone is gone....or will be going... why is God taking everyone away from me? These are people that I rely on and that I have a close bond with. I missed those who are already gone and I know I will miss those who will be going. There is also a risk that once people are gone, people change or I change, and the relationship will never be the same again.

But maybe for their happiness and well being, leaving is a good thing for them. Maybe all I should do is to show my support for them, in their pursuit of dreams and happiness.

Farewell... take care...

Greater good?

The whole debacle with the bad boss blew up yesterday, with my secretary being involved and I was dragged into it. I am still too emotional to describe the event. It hurts me alot when my secretary is so upset. I also hurts me when graduate lawyers are so unhappy but they have no way to escape. They all come to me for help, but I am, in a way, in the same situation as them.

Maybe for the greater good, I have to complain to management, at the expense of my career, so that justice can be restored. The group is so disfunctional at the moment that it is not helping. The other boss in the group knows, but I question the extent of his involvement since there is a clear conflict of interest for him to be really involved.

I am more and more inclined to do the greater good. It will be a liberation for me. I think this is what it takes to be a leader?

Endless work

Working later and later these days... physically and mentally tired...

Doesn't help that I am still working for that stupid boss, who 'tries' to be nice, but is rude in every respect...

A boss who emails me every minute to ask me whether I have done a task when he full well knows I am working on it...

A boss who promises clients ridiculous deadlines...

A boss who only wants me to do work for his clients, telling me to ignore other clients of other bosses (and even some of my own clients)...

A boss who gets upset as I had to attend a client function with another boss and he wasn't invited...

A boss who is petty...

If he continues in this way, I will not just blog, I will just walk out. I have gone through that scenario in my head and it will be an attractive alternative if I continue to suffer mental tortures from him.

Realisation

I sometimes wonder how young people nowadays can just stand there and do nothing while others do things around them.

Aren't they taught to help out when older people are doing things? How can they just stand there and continue chatting when they see older people trying to lift things and move things? Even if you ask them to do it, they pretend that they don't know you.

Now I realise why they do it. It is because their parents don't require them to do anything at home. Their parents do everything for them. So to them it is normal for older people to do things while they stand around and do nothing. They don't think they need to do something.

If their parents don't even ask them to do things at home, how can you ask them to do things outside of home?

God's work

Why are God's work being shoved around from person to person? Why are some people so burdened with everything, while others are not burdened at all?

People are so protective of themselves. They do not want to step out of their comfort zone. If they are offered a role in one ministry, they would only be concerned about that ministry. What about if their ministry is very narrow, and another person's ministry is very broad? Does that mean that everything is done by the other person, and that person does nothing, even though that person knows the other person has so much on?

Isn't it a privilege for us to serve God? Why don't people take things on even if they are in a leadership role? How can one influence others if our leaders are like that, trying to shove things to other leaders?

Father to son

Its rare to have a deep and meaningful with our parents, especially as we grow older and have our own life and its associated problems.

So it was great to have been able to talk to my dad that night, until 2:30am in the morning, about my current struggles with careers and work. The insight he gave me was invaluable. Although no answer came out of it, at least I can arm myself with a new perspective and the knowledge that my parents would probably support me in what I do because of their love for me.

Treasure our time with our parents, for these times won't last forever.

Fighting over me...

My previous boss has left, and now three other bosses are fighting over me. Each one of them wants me to give priority to their work. This is the worse situation to be in - right in the midst of politics.

Do I feel a sense of importance? Do I feel happy? No. I just feel tired. Mentally tired. Tired of politics. Tired of work.

If I feel like this now, how can I survive in a more harsher environment such as law firms in the UK, HK or US?

Maybe I would be happier if three girls are fighting over me...

Frustrations

Alot of issues we face in ministry are relationship based. It is so disheartening to always hear criticisms from others with no one truly showing their appreciation. And most criticisms seem to be based on personal preferences as opposed to true worthwhile issues.

There are so many things that I cannot tell others to protect others from being hurt or disappointed, and bottling them up eventually would take their toll on me. I think I have become more withdrawn than before, and it is ironic that some people still perceive me as not able to keep secrets - if they only knew what I know inside my head.

Frustrations also come from our sense of helplessness. We see people falling, but we don't know how to help. Even if we are willing, the fallen may not be willing to allow you to help them.

But we should look beyond the short term and focus on the glory of God in eternity. All the frustrations are paid off when I received the following message earlier this week from a long lost friend, who I have previously spent time to evangelise to a few years ago:

"Hey, do you know I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Saviour?"

Soldier on, everyone! Its worth it!

Friendships

How do we define friendships? How do we establish friendships?

Do you establish friends through networking? I went to a speed networking function organised by my firm recently. We had an "one-on-one" session with each person in the room for 3 minutes in which we discussed a pre-determined topic and exchange our personal information. By the end of the night, I had a number of business cards in my hands, none of which I would be contacting again. Although I went out with some of my new-found networks afterwards to more drinks and dinner, and I actually had a good time talking about the insignificant details of life, they were still just an acquaintance to me and a potential network for the future. I am sure they think the same. These kind of people may be described "one-night friends". "One-night friends" may also include those long lost friends who contacts you once every couple of years and updates you on things in their lives.

Do you establish friends through open invitation? Even if you open yourself to someone new, that person may not open themselves to you in the same way. Maybe to you that person is your friend, but to them, you may not be a friend. These kind of people may be described as "one-way friends".

How do you respect your friends? It is hard when you have an expectation of them, and they do not meet that expectation. We expect our good friends to inform us of their big events in life, and when they do not do that, do we respect their privacy? When we find out that they have informed others of their big events, and we are kept in the dark, do we have the understanding to accept that each person may have their reasons for doing what they do (and maybe we are too busy for them in the first place)?

How do you respect your friends? It is hard when they do not appreciate what you've done for them, and to them, their "one-night friends" are closer than you are, even though they can expect your friendship regularity, and their "one-night friends" will only give them unexpected friendship once in a blue moon.

How do you help and support your friends? Do you need to give them an answer every time? How do you tell a friend that they need professional help? How can you tell them that you feel their pain but you don't know how to help them.

And how do you cope and handle a dying friendship, a lost friendship, or a friend who you no longer connect or click with?

Easter Church Camp

The first combined church camp occurred over the Easter long weekend.

Praise God that every thing went well. It was a good time for us to interact with people from another local church. I was surprised as to how well we were able to mix with them.

Being part of the committee again allowed me to see God at work. It was great to work with a great bunch of brothers and sisters, helping and supporting each other. Thank God that I have established a closer relationship with my counterpart at the other church and he was a great assistance to me throughout the camp.

It was very encouraging to receive support from people throughout the camp. Their encouragement showed their love and care for us. I was very also very touched by some comments for my workshop - all praise and glory to the Lord.

The only drawback was that there were meetings scheduled in my free time. But I did get some insights from those meetings, so it was not all that bad.

The only regret is that I did not spend enough time with certain people that I wanted to. But God did allow me to spend time with others that I did not expect to spend time with.

A thought which I have been pondering since the camp about is how I should invest my time, money and energy on matters in relation to heaven, since our future is in heaven. This may have implications on my current job situation.

Keep praying. Keep praising.

Crossroads

My boss has just resigned. She is someone that I have admired, as she has a good work ethic and has integrity. Her departure is a shock to me, although not unexpected, as I have sensed that she is very dissatisfied with management. Our firm is more and more focussed on profitability, at the expense of other important things. People's performance seems to be purely measured by how much profit you generate for the firm, and other contributions are not highly regarded. This was not the case one year ago.

What does her departure mean to me? Well, if I continue to stay on, I would be working under another boss who I do not like (see here, here and here) . Even though this boss and other bosses have been talking to me about supporting me and even hinting at the prospect of partnership in a few years time, these factors are not sufficient to lure me to stay, as I do not expect to be happy if I continue on. Furthermore, the size of our team has decreased so much in the past six months that I feel like I am in a sinking ship.

So what are my options?

1. Go to another firm. This is not one of my preferred options. I have been to a number of law firms already. I guess eventually they are all the same. If I do not have an aspiration for partnership, why should I continue to work in a law firm?

2. Go inhouse. A viable option, but there are not that many organisations I would enjoy working for, especially if the work is repetitive and boring. But I should look into this further.

3. Go overseas. I know my area of law is in great demand. But do I want to work those long hours overseas? If I am not here, there may even be a lower chance that my parents would be able to know Christ. So even if I go, it would be short term. Maybe I should do something for myself for once, and try doing something different.

4. Study. Bible college. Being a deacon at church has actually turned me off from studying at bible college. I would be unhappy if I am to be a pastor of a church (with the way most churches treat their pastors). What can I do when I come out of college? Maybe I don't have enough faith yet. Dunno.

5. Do something different. Cafe. Tutoring Centre. If there is a good business idea I may pursue it, but to date I have thought of nothing.

This is so hard. Do something that makes me happy? I don't even know what that is.

And among all this, what is the voice of God telling me to do? I need to listen.

A society of complaints

We live in a society where everyone complains.

People complain about their lives. They complain about their partner or ex partner or the fact that they do not have a partner. They complain about love being lost and noone appreciating their love. They complain about the fact that noone loves them.

But the more time we use to complain and the more time we think about this, the more time we neglect the people around us that really love us and want to care for us. We are so miserable that we do not realise that there are people around who really love us.

People complain about their jobs. They complain about the low salary they are earning, the long hours they are working and the lack of satisfaction they are having with their jobs.

But if suddenly, through some mishap, we are no longer able to work, and we are not eligible for any social benefits, would we still complain? We would be willing to do any kind of work to earn a living, and we would not be concerned about the long hours or job satisfaction as long as we are able to support ourselves.

People complain about the lack of money they have. They complain that they are not able to afford things in life.

But what are the necessities in life? That cup of coffee that we buy every morning? That shirt we bought on sale while walking past the shops at lunchtime? The brand new car we bought when our old car is still functioning? The large mansion we bought when in reality we only need a two room apartment? Alot of things we think are not affordable are not necessities.

Do complaints come about because of the excesses we have in society?

Priceless moments from Thailand trip

Not in any particular order...

1. Witnessing the devotion of Thais in worshiping their God, with statutes of Buddhas in the temples, shopping centres, hotels and homes; and realising that these people have a spiritual hunger that needs to be filled.
2. Experiencing the chaos on the roads, whether on roads in Bangkok or on highways in the countryside, where you can only overtaking by going onto oncoming traffic and where lanes and lines on the roads mean nothing at all and traffic rules are not followed in any way or form.
3. Having every inch of my body felt by a masseur during a body massage at a spa.
4. Enjoying the elephants performing at an elephant camp near Chiang Mai where they were able to play soccer and paint pictures, and at the same time, wondering how much sufferings these animals have endured for them to be trained in this way.
5. Witnessing the poor people of Myanmar (Burma) at the town of Mae Sot on the border of Myanmar and Thailand, and watching as a man took our left over foods from our table and placed them in a plastic bag for him to feed the family.
6. Worrying about malaria from mosquitoes, especially at Mae Sot, and spraying my body with insect repellent, only to realise that the mossies have bitten me in areas where I didn't spray any repellent, such as my nose and parts of my face and neck.
7. Seeing the CCTV cast and crew at our hotel in Chiang Mai and Sukothai where they were making a documentary about travels around the world.
8. Having a fantastic (and pricey) buffet lunch at Sukothai Hotel in Bangkok for Chinese New Year, and seeing Hong Kong celebrities dining at the same venue at the same time.
9. Seeing historical ruins in the country towns of Ayutthaya and Si Satchanalai Historical Park.
10. Going to the wonderful night bazaar in Chiang Mai.
11. Experiencing the modern world of Bangkok - new shopping complexes and the Skytrain.
12. Going to a hot springs near Chiang Mai, and realising that there were other insects in the same tub with me, then jumping out in fright and nearly slipped and fell over on the hard rocky floor.
13. Eating eggs boiled from hot springs.
14. Going up to the top of the mountain near Chiang Mai hoping to have a nice view of the city and discovering that Chiang Mai is too polluted with smog to see anything.
15. Being searched when entering into the airport and Central World Shopping Centre at one entrance, while there were no one conducting searches at the other entry points of these venues.

Trip Diary - Macau

I chose to spend my Valentines Day in Macau, alone, away from the constant reminders that I see all around me in Hong Kong.

I visited four new casinos that day, being Sands (where they offered a really fantastic seafood buffet lunch with lobsters, crabs, prawns, oysters, sashimi, sushi and more for the low price of AUD$30), Babylon (where the staff all dressed in costumes and their politeness in inviting visitors to sit down and gamble were first class), Wynn (where they offered free bottled water and food such as sandwiches and dim sims to all visitors) and Grand Lisboa (which was only opened for two days when I went there). It was interesting to see how they operated. The new casinos had a Las Vegas feel to them in terms of their decorations and structure but I did not bet at all mainly due to the fact that the other visitors there were rude and disgusting people from the mainland with a lack of manners in the way they gambled.

One interesting aspect I noticed is that all staff in these casinos are poor in English. Maybe I can get a job there if I want to escape from the normal life for a short while. But I think I would be disgusted by the actions of some of the gamblers there.

Trip Diary - Valentines Day

Valentines Day is a big thing in Hong Kong. All forms of media are dedicated to that day. All cafes and restaurants have Valentines Day menu. There are sales at stores especially devoted for that day. On the day, there are many couples on the streets, with the girl holding a great big bunch of flowers.

For the single person with no girl friend, such bombardment of sight and sound can make one emotional.

Some people will say that businesses are out there to make a quick profit on that day. But if I have a partner that I love, I would be willing to be ripped off on the day, in exchange for the happiness and romance from my partner.

Who should be my partner? Someone I love or someone who loves me?

Trip Diary - drying clothes

Due to limited space and the large population, Hong Kong is full of high rise apartments in which many people are crammed into a small space.

One effect of living in an apartment is the lack of space for people to dry their clothes.

Some people prefer to dry their clothes in their toilets or in their bedroom. Others prefer to use their small balcony. Because there is usually no room in the balcony to put in place any type of washing lines, most people hang their clothes on wooden poles which they put in the ceiling of their balconies.

It is very difficult to use these poles. A special instrument is needed to take a pole down and you have to put the clothes through in a certain way to dry on these poles.

Now some interesting experiences from my attempt at drying clothes in Hong Kong.

The other day as I was trying to take the poles down with the instrument, I somehow was not able to adjust to the weight of the pole and the whole pole fell down onto the streets. Lucky no one was there or someone might be killed by the sheer force of a falling pole. I wonder what I would have done if someone did get killed.

Tonight, as I was trying to dry some clothes at 1.30am for my trip tomorrow, I went out onto the balcony in my briefs only, thinking that it would be fine as I was just out there for 3 minutes. But as soon as I walked out, a lady from the building across my building started staring at me. I quickly ran back inside and put on some shorts, after which she stopped staring and turned off the nights. I hope that noone took a video of me and posted it up on YouTube. Maybe that is the price I pay for being lazy and not putting on clothes before walking out onto the balcony.

Trip Diary - Tourist Attractions

What has Hong Kong got to offer apart from buildings after buildings of shopping centres?

The experience of hiking up to The Peak is unforgettable. Especially when it is dark. The path is steep and is not for the faint hearted. Maybe I am unfit or I was going too fast, but it was so difficult going up. I felt like my whole body was aching, my legs, my arms, my chest, my head... and I was not even half way up to the top. But along the way, the view was magnificient. But was it worth it? All I can say is that I truly appreciate my friend in organising this for me.

Hong Kong Museum of History is surprisingly interesting, with a wealth of information about the history of Hong Kong from pre-historical times to current era. The most interesting aspect is the replica of the buildings and landmarks from past eras. They were so realistic that I really felt that I was transported in time. This is a "must" place to visit - for locals and tourists alike.

Trip diary - Foot massage

Foot massage is all the craze in Hong Kong now. Just about everyone I know in Hong Kong regularly goes to a foot massage centre.

It was not long ago that the massage industry has an image of being sleezy and is closely associated with the sex industry.

How fast things change.

Foot massage is seen as a healthy therapy, through which the masseur is able to discern, through certain parts of the soles of your feet, areas of your body that have problems. The whole process can be painful but also relaxing, depending on the state of your health.

I have tried this tonight, and it was a good experience. Although at times, the pressure can be a bit too great. The masseur also said that he knows I play alot of sports from massaging my feet and legs. This is not entirely accurate. But I have been walking alot over the past week so maybe this was the reason why the masseur thought that was the case.

Trip diary - Justin's concert

Didn't expect to see any concerts on my trip, but due to chance and coincidence, I was able to participate in the opening night of the concert of Justin Lo with the Hong Kong Philharmonic Orchestra (HKPO).

The concert was not as great as I expected, due to the following reasons:
1. Excessive use of drums and piano/keyboard - these instruments basically stole the whole show, and the sounds from these intrusments were louder than the orchestra, which results in the concert being like a pop concert without any orchestral resemblence.
2. No respect was given to HKPO by the audience, especially towards the end when they were standing up waiting for applause, but most of the audience have left and are leaving by then.
3. Fans were clapping and yelling at inappropriate times.
4. The arrangments in most songs were not innovative enough and did not cater for the use of the orchestra sound. Furthermore, some songs were not dissimimlar to the original, due to the excessive use of drums and piano/keyboard (see point 1 above). Therefore, the element of surprise is lacking in the concert.
5. There were some problems in the song order. For example, the use of the theme from Stars Wars followed up by a fast song brought atmosphere and liveliness, but this was followed by a slow ballad which dramatically dampened the atmosphere and the mood.

However, despite the above, I was emotionally touched by the concert. I could associate with Justin when he talked about the fact that he needs to love himself and allow others to love him, and needs to have a positive perspective on love. When he said that, I could see myself in that statement, especially with my pessimism on love (see previous blogs). When he sang "I'll be there" and "The greatest love of all", tears were forming in my ears and I realised that even if noone loves me in this world, Jesus still loves me and will always be there for me no matter what happens. It is not until that point that I realised how much comfort this knowledge is for me, and maybe for all the lonely people in the world.

The irony is that a high school kid made a similar comment a few weeks ago. But I did not truly appreciate this until now.

Through this concert I also understand why Justin is so popular in Sydney with the ABCs. Maybe it is because he is also caught between two cultures, like the ABCs. It is evident by his choice of songs for the concert (half of the concert was English songs) and the way he talked (he needed English words here and there in a sentence to describe his feelings). Maybe he is representative of a person who doesn't know where they belong and who needs to be loved, just like each one of us.

We are loved, by Jesus. We are citizens of the future kingdom of God. Let us continue to wait in hope and expectation until that final day.

Trip Diary - dividing class

There is a great dividing class in Hong Kong. Walking down from Soho after dining at a French restaurant, I saw a begger taking a bottle of Coke from the bins and drinking the few drops that were left in the bottle. I would be eating $15 won ton noodle soup one day, and a $125 sandwich at a hotel the next day. At a dai pai dong, there would be locals eating very cheap food, and we would be dining on the expensive live seafood we bought from the markets which we asked the dai pai dong to cook for us. There are old ladies collecting cans, and there are old ladies carrying bags of shopping from Gucci or Dior.

And people don't think there is anything wrong with this.

Trip Diary - Wedding

It is always a pleasure to participate in a friend's wedding, especially when you are bestowed with responsibilities and is appreciated by a friend. To be able to use my gifts to help others is very fulfilling.

Attending a wedding is as fun as you want it to be. You can sit there and sulk and lament on the fact that everyone else is getting married and you are still alone and single. Or you can enjoy the evening, the ambience and elegance of the venue, the aroma of the food and the company of old friends and collegues that you may have not seen for a number of years.

If all else fails, drink a few glasses of XO. Your spirits will surely be lifted up afterwards.

Trip Diary - Emotional Bagage

Going on a trip to my initial hometown was meant to be a way for me to realise stress and emotions. But it seems like emotionally, my baggage is heavier and heavier with the people I meet.

There are certain people that I was looking forward to catching up with. I wanted to spend more time with them, as they are people whose friendship I cherish and treasure. However, they are very absorbed with their work or other commitments. I wanted to spend one on one time with them to talk about things more personal, but they do not have time for me, and the only time I would meet them would be in a group context where it would be hard for me and for them to share more personal things.

There are other people who complain that every time I am here, I do not have enough time to meet up with them. And when I try to make an appointment with them, they are not willing to confirm on a time and date, with the excuse that something else may come up. If that is the case, then why complain to me, if they are not willing to commit to a meeting time?

There are people who I normally do not contact but I will see them every time I am in my initial hometown. But some of these people I no longer have anything in common with and I would feel a sense of loss after meeting with these people, as I realise that our relationship is no longer the same. Maybe it is better for me not to contact them at all in the first place.

Annoyed

She continues to amaze me... and I continue to be more annoyed and annoyed at her... and to think that the thought of considering her have crossed my mind previously....

She can use people as jokes which to me is a form of personal attack but when people retaliate and make a joke about her, she becomes defensive and upset. So in her world, it is fine for her to do things to others, but not the other way around.

She takes everything for granted. She takes people for granted. She appreciates random people doing small things for her, and she thinks they are treating her well, but she neglects what her close friends have done for her and expects these friends to do so much more, and then she complains that her close friends are not treating her well.

Who wants to have partner like this, let alone a friend like this?

But on another level, she can be caring and loving, and in critical times, she would be there for me. If I am to consider her again, I want her to be like this all the time, not just during a few moments of my life. But who am I to demand this?

At the moment, I have tried to see how we would react with each other with less communication and contact. I have not told her anything, but at this stage, given my emotional state and my annoyance I think it may be best. I have been doing this for a week now, and so far, I am feeling fine about my decision. Maybe this is a confirmation that I should redirect my focus and energy on other things or other people, as I have no urges to contact or communicate with her during the past week. Or maybe at this stage, I am just too annoyed at her. Only time will tell.

Never changing?

Have I changed over the past ten years? It seems like I am doing the same things as I was doing ten years ago.

Sure, there are changes in my life. I am working now. I have greater responsibility at work, home and church, but the essence of my existence has not changed.

My discussion topics and interests have not really changed during these years.

I am still engaging in activities such as dinners, suppers and drinks, even though the places I go to may have changed. For example, over the years, I have gone to Double Bay for different things, initially it was ice cream at the French Riviera (now relocated) or coffee at Dee Bees, then it was coffee and desserts at the Cosmopolitan, and today, Double Bay is the place for Max Brenner.

I am still into music, and still go to karaoke. The only difference is the songs I sing. Over the years, I sang a number of songs and each era I would sing songs from certain singers, from Jacky Cheung and Leon Lai, to Andy Hui, to Leo Ku and Eason Chan, and now Justin Lo. There is essentially not much difference in what I do in a karaoke room over the years.

I still enjoy communicating with people, and over the years the modes of communication has changed. I remembered spending hours on the phone in the past, talking to my friends until 4 or 5 am in the morning. I remembered the ICQ explosion, where we spent hours typing messages with each other. And nowadays, its all MSN each night and every night, and the occasional SMS.

I still talk about boy-girl relationship with other people, and still, I have not found someone to be the one, even though over the years I have been with a few different girls. I still talk about my future aspirations. I still complain about the things in my life, which in the past would be university lecturers and timetables, and now it would be bosses at work or incompetent graduates. I still talk about my interests with others - music, films, travel, sports, current affairs, philosophy, religions, etc.

Is this a problem? Does this mean that I have not developed over the past ten years?

Most of my contemporaries have moved on the next life stage. Getting married. Having babies. Their interests have changed dramatically. They have no more time for long chats, or karaoke til 3am in the morning. They talk about where to get cheap nappies or which shop sells chicken wings for 10c less per kilo. They have less freedom with their financial resources, especially with a mortgage over their family home. It seems like we are in two different worlds.

And maybe that is why I am able to associate with people 10 years younger than me now, because I am still at the same life stage as them.

Is this a problem? Maybe my next life stage will come at much a later time in life than my contemporaries. Or maybe there is no next life stage for me.

Too much to handle...

... can I just stop everything and take some time out to reflect... am i heading in the right direction... can someone guide me to overcome the obstacles in my way or am i required to work things out myself... but how can i when there so much pressures from other aspects of my life?

Stop. Revive. Survive.

Confusion

Confused. Utterly incomprehensible.

Why are people so noisy? Why do people like to gossip?

Can a guy and a girl be just friends? Why do people say so much, and do so much? Why do people think we are not setting the right example? Why is it that the only thing we can do to stop stumbling other people is to distance ourselves from one another?

In any other context, this kind of friendship is common. Why are people so sensitive?

Or am I fooling myself? I know where I stand. I think I know. Does she know where she stands? Why is her response dependent on my response? Am I an obstacle in her way to happiness? Would others not approach her because of me?

I was told that she has never rejected me, unlike others, who would do so in an unfair and prejudicial manner. Am I a reject? Why would everyone else reject me? Why would only guys tell me that they would have me if they were the opposite sex? Are they only comforting me?

Am I confused? Am I hurt? Am I disillusioned?

I can choose others, and others can choose me. I can reject others, and others can reject me. Endless cycle. Maybe the people that I like would always reject me, while the people that I reject would always like me.

Reassessment? Not until I have dealt with my confusion, hurt and disillusionment. But how?

Reminders

Things tend to remind us of the past...

At a friend's place recently, and his kitchen utensils were similar to the utensils used by my late grandmother - the metal plates used for serving, the use of newsletter on the coffee table and eating in front of the TV - brought back memories of the past.

Walking to work on an overcast day and seeing tourists walking around reminded me of being a tourist in Rome where I was walking about early in the morning on an overcast day trying to find an old cathedral which housed one of Caravaggio's paintings.

Seeing a graduate at work making silly mistakes reminded me what I used to be like when I first started, making stupid mistakes and silly typos in documents.

We tend to feel a closer connection to things or people that remind us of past events or people.

Lack of Christian peers

I have just noticed I do not have any peers in my Christian circle that can support me.

Age group peers - I do not have any. The people that are in that group are already at the next life stage. They have no capacity nor understanding of my current situation anymore.

Social-economic peers - I do not have any. Most of these peers fall outside my Christian circle.

Spiritual peers - I do not have any. It is hard to find someone to be able to walk with in this spiritual journey.

This is not healthy. This is not ideal.

Rebuking in Ministry 2

It hurts, it really does.

But I think it is a lesson from God.

All I did was set out my reasons why I have to make a certain decision, and outlined the supposed roles and responsibilities of the other person.

The person replied with a personal attack on me, which was copied to all relevant people, questioning my character and integrity.

I am upset, still am upset. I had several people examine my original message and all of them, all from different backgrounds, thought that the original message was impartial and objective. They all agreed that the response was the problem, as that person over-reacted and missed out on the main gist of my argument.

I need to learn. I have to learn.

My first reaction was to respond back to the person. I could mount a convincing argument against that person's senseless response. But that person is too emotional and irrational. I think the wise thing is not to respond anymore to that person. Maybe I have already learnt my first lesson in trying not to defend myself and keep quiet for the sake of peace.

But I still have to deal with that person. This is the point I am at now.

I need to pray and ask God to give me wisdom to how to deal with the person. I think this is a valuable lesson for me to learn from if I am to grow and move ahead in my ministry. I may choose to ignore the person, and use a comfortable approach to deal with it in an administrative way. But I don't think this is what God wants me to learn. I may have to deal with this in a way which I have not done previously. May I be able to rely on Him and do things in a way which pleases him.

Workplace changes

People are leaving left right and centre from my place of work. About half of my group will be gone by the end of February. When a person leaves, the dynamics of the group change dramatically. I have formed some close relationships with some of my colleagues and when they leave, there is a sense of loss, since I know that the relationships will change when I am no longer able to see them again, especially if they are moving to another country to work.

Do I want to leave? Yes I do but what do I really want to do?

Lost Fantasies

I saw my ex girlfriend (from 10 years ago) walking in the streets recently. But when I turned around, she was gone. I wonder how she is going. Is she married? Is she still single? Is she a mother now?

I saw a girl I liked years ago in my dream recently. In the dream, she was very happy to see me as we haven't seen each other for a long time. We hugged and danced around like two little kids. In reality this person is married.

I saw a girl on MSN who I had an affection for a few years ago, but haven't contacted her since then as she is no longer in the city I am living in. Seeing her online brings back a wave of feelings, and talking to her again makes me want to ring her and just talk to her about what has been happening in these past few years.

Even if I contacted these people again, I may have nothing to say to them. The images I have of them are from another space and time, and they may have changed alot since then. Maybe these are all lost fantasies.

Rebuking in Ministry

Its hard for me to rebuke others, but sometimes things need to be done, especially if I am in a position to do so.

Why do some people never learn? They think they can deceive the whole world, not knowing that the whole world has already seen through them.

Why do some people make things so hard? Why do we waste so much time in ministry on people issues that are not really important? How come people can act so differently yet they are all praying to the same God?

It is not fun when one is forced to use their power to overrule something for the sake of others. Even though I know others think I did the right thing, I am very uncomfortable, as I may have hurt the person I am rebuking. But maybe that is the only way they could learn. I guess I should know by now that I can't please everyone, and my role here is to please God, not to please the people around me.