Random thoughts to end 2005

1. Silence - Sometimes people may need space and independance to handle their own problems. Trying to force people to express their feelings when they are not ready may lead to disaster. We should learn to respect people if they are not willing to tell us the things that are bothering them, but at the same time, show them that we care and support them whether they want to tell us of their problems or not.

2. Patience - In this instanteous world, all of us are losing this virtue in our lives. We want everything to be quick and instant. We want our MSN messages to be answered instantly or else we will 'nudge' the other person for a response. We expect SMSs to be answered quickly too, or else we will ring the person straight away for a response. We lose patience with people as well, as there are more opportunities for us to meet new people.

3. Competititon - Are we competing with others without realising this is the case? Do we compare what we do with what others have done, such as comparing a church function this year with the same function last year organised by a differnet person? Do we strive to win and beat our opponents, even in such things as a simple game of pool or simple board games? Are we competing with each other in terms of our life stages such as timing of marraige and having babies? Maybe thats a reflection of the society we live in - all of us are born to compete to be distinct among others - in the same way that ancient Greeks strive for 'honour' in their short life.

4. Talk - Everyone can talk, but will they action? Its easy to say things. Its easy to blame others. But do we 'walk the talk'? We seem to have a different standards for ourselves (full of excuses) than others (no mercy shown).

Treating people

Are we treating people right? We tend to hurt the people closest to us. Our family, our lover or our friends.

And in the same way, the people that hurt us the most are these people.

How should we treat people that are close to us? How do we show more appreciation for them? How should we love them?

In alot of situations, the solution is relatively simple. A mother yearns for her son to come home and taste the food she has made slaving over the hot stove for the whole afternoon. A wife yearns for her lover to return home early from work so that they can enjoy a night together. A friend yearns for his friend to understand him and be available for a chat or a drink when he feels lonely or upset.

But we tend not to do these things. We tend to tell our mothers that we will be home for dinner, but end up going out and getting drunk and not coming home at all. We tend to tell our wives that we will be home early, but we will hang around the office trying to finish off our work not realising that we have already worked past midnight. We tend to make excuses when our friends call us at inconvenient times, telling our friends that we are not available as we are too tired to talk or go out, or we tell them we will go and then change our minds at the last minute.

Maybe we are treating ourselves too well, and have neglected to treat well the people closest to us.

Relational habits

When you are single, you are free to do whatever you want, with no consideration for other people. You can make your own decisions, satisfy your own desires, and do what you want to do at your own pace and in your own time. Being single means you have more time on your hands, and you usually fill this time up with other interests. So your life will never be dull or boring.

If you have been single for a while, and you acquire a partner, you will need to readjust your life in order to "fit" that person in. This means forgoing some of your interests, so as to make room in your life for that person. This may be hard for some people to do, and so they will remain single until they learn to do this.

It also means that you may need to make decisions based on the interests of the other person, and not based on what you want. This may be hard, as you are accustomed to making decisions based on what you want.

This will be more difficult if the other person is also accustomed in making their own decisions and they may not easily accomodate your interests. This may lead to a compromised decision - a decision that both parties may not be happy with, since each party is accustomed to what they want normally. This may eventually lead to each party reverting back to their single lifestyle, since they are so accustomed to what each of them wants. It may be difficult for these people to find another person in their lives.

The opposite applies to a person who has been in a relationship for a long time. They are accustomed to having another person with them, and so when they break up, they have alot of free time. These people will tend to find another person relatively quickly after their breakup to fill this vaccum in their lives.

Need we say a word?

It started off with no words spoken. Our relationship with each other was communicated in feelings and emotions expressed through our mutual actions to one another. Of all the things we discussed, we never mention anything about our relationship with one another. Maybe we didn't think it was important, as we were living within the inner depths and realms of our emotions.

And then when I was hurt, and no longer able to confront her, all communications ceased dramatically. There were no expectations of an explanation. Maybe it wasnt important whether an explanation was needed, maybe we both knew that everything was over, feelings were being changed, and we no longer continued to live in the realms of our emotions. Maybe our emotions got a hold of us, without us really willing to accept each other in a way which we did not expect. Maybe we were too used to be individuals and tried to enforce our idealistic values on one another.

Maybe it is better this way as we may hurt each other more with the things we want to say.

Hurt...3

As I continue to wonder whether I will find the right person...

I attended a wedding on the weekend where I was asked "So when is your turn?" to which I could not answer... cos it hurts me inside...

and

I received a wedding invitation in the post today from a friend who is getting married next year... it doesn't come as a surprise, but still hurts me as I feel like I am alone...

and

A younger friend told me of his wedding plans in 2 years time... it hurts if I see these younger people getting married ahead of me...

*sigh*

Hurt...2

I guess what hurts more is the fact that I realised the person may not be able to be my companion for life, and that the person would not be able to support me in my life ministries.

So how should I deal with that? Confrontational approach? I am not that type!

The only way is to escape from the problem! Not seeing that person!! Not talking to the person. That way, I won't be reminded of the hurt or the spiritual incompatibility with that person.

And the way I am going about this is hurting that person. Maybe that person doesn't know what is going on. Maybe that person is hurt by my sudden withdrawal. And in a way, I am hurting that person in return.

But I can't help it, as this is the only way that I can deal with it.

Hurt

I am hurt, in multiple ways...

Hurt by someone so dear to me, even though that person still do not know that I am hurt.

I remembered that people used to say "Sticks and stones can hurt my bones but words will never hurt me". This is not true. Words sometimes hurt much deeper than any physical pains and scars. Words can be said in a way or manner that allows me to project a person's personality, and what that person will be like in the long term. And maybe I was hurt by what that person said, but I am more hurt by the fact that I may not be able to accept that person in the long term if that person continues to be like that. It hurts me to realise that I had thoughts of building something permanent with that person, but it seems like there is a side of that person that I have ignored, a side that I may not be able to accept. Maybe I expected too much from that person. Maybe the hurt comes from my false expectations in the first place.

It hurts more to realise time is running out on my side, to find someone... maybe I may never find someone...

And maybe by being silent, and not talking about it, and ignoring that person, I am hurting that person in the same way, as that person doesn't know why I am acting in a different manner from before.

And then when I try to share my hurt with other people, people that I care about and people that I thought cared for me, I am hurt by their responses as well.

I told someone the problem when it initially happened, but that person did not follow it up with me. When the problem escalates to the point of hurting me so badly that I am totally depressed, that person did not even realise I am in such a state, and continues normally, without noticing my depression or asking me about the problem. It is ironic that the same person can see this fault in others but cannot see this fault in themselves. The hurt goes deeper...

And what about the person who seems to care for me, and wanting to hear my problems, but on condition that I tell at a time that is convenient for that person. Well, I actually need someone when I am really depressed, not when I have figured things out myself. Where are people when I really need them? The hurt deepens...

The irony of the matter is that I have, in various times, been there for these people, but in times of my own depression, they are not able to stand by me and support me in a way which I expect. Maybe they think the same way about me, I don't know...

That is why all of us are so alienated from each other, in more ways than we can ever imagine. That is why our lives are full of emotional hurt caused by people who are closest to us.

"I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here"
(Excerpt from "Hurt" by Johnny Cash)

Building Trust

Building trust with people is important to establish a relationship with them. If we don't have a relationship with someone through mutual trust and respect, how can we show our care and love to them? How do we know what their needs are if we don't even know them? How can we possibily say that we are genuine in our love and care when they don't even have trust or faith in us?

So it is ironic that most churches advocate for their members to love and care for one another, especially new people, but in most cases, no relationship is ever built before one attempts to show such love and care, resulting in adverse consequences. Some examples follows:

1. A new person attends church for the first time. He gave his details as requested. After two weeks of absence, he receives a phone call from a "leader" of the church. The new person do not know who the "leader" was, and felt uncomfortable during the whole conversation as he had to explain why he did not go to church for two weeks. This experience put off the person so much that he vowed never to return to that church again.

2. A new believer has been attending church regularly for two months. She sees a number of people each week, but only a handful of people actually spend time to talk to her. One day, a person who has never spoken to her (even though that person has seen her around for two months) came up to her and said "Hi, you must be ##. I have been assigned to go through a course with you, so if you are fine, lets come to my place every Friday night for the next 8 weeks." The new believer immediately feels that the person is fake as that person did not express any love and care towards her previously, and the only reason why that person is doing the course with her is because that was the person's role at church. The new believer gets put off by that approach, and finds excuses not to pursue the course, which may have done her alot of good, if the person doing the course with her was someone she knew and trusted in.

3. A person has been attending church for a while, but due to his personality and nature, not much people talks to him. He is a person that needs alot of love and attention, and everyone is too busy to notice that. After a while, he feels disappointed and leaves church. To his surprise, he began receiving phone calls, emails, SMSs and online messages asking him why he has left the church. Instead of being delighted by these responses, he feels that all these people are fake, as they did not show any evidence of love and care when he was there with them, and by doing all these afterwards, he just feels that they are not genuine in their actions.

Maybe before we claim that we are showing love and care towards people, by briefly talking to them or by welcoming them, let us ask ourselves whether we are willing to spend the time with new people in order for them to build their trust in us. Are we willing to develop friendships with them that may require patience and endurance? Are we willing to be disppointed or hurt by them through the process? It is only when we have done these things that we have geniunely show love and care towards others.

Disappointment & Obligations

Disappointment comes from being hurt as a result of certain actions, by others or by ourselves.

When someone else is disappointed in us, it is usually because our actions have hurt them. It may be due to us not being able to meet their expectations.

But in a situation where our actions were not meant to hurt others, but simply done as a result of our obligations due to the role we play, then why would others be hurt? Shouldn't they understand that the actions were based on our obligations, and not based on them? Don't they know that we are also hurt in the process of fulfilling our obligations? Don't they also know that we are also disappointed in ourselves as we may be hurt from our own actions?

Then, why are they disappointed in us if they understand all of this? Shouldn't they see this action in a positive way as we are people of integrity, being able to fulfil our pre-existing obligations? Shouldn't they understand this?

Maybe it is because they think that we have another set of obligations to them which override our obligations from the roles we have. But if they expect all our pre-existing obligations be subordinate to our obligations to them, even when their obligations are trivial as compared to the importance of our pre-existing obligations, then maybe they should readjust their expectations. It is true that we may owe alot of obligations to them, but all obligations are relative to one another, and sometimes our obligations to them may be overridden by our general fraternal obligations. It is at these points in time that they need to understand and support us, not be disappointed to us.

Expectations...2

Humans have expectations. We have expectations from each other. Even if we wish to have no expectaions from each other, we are having an expectation of no expectation from that person.

We natually have higher expectations from some people over other people. And when these people do not meet our high expectations, we would feel hurt and depressed.

For example, at church, we may have expectations from our cell group to care and support us, but if they are not able to achieve that, we feel distanced from that due to the hurt that is built up from their inability to match our expectations.

On other occasions, we have really low expectations from some people. And when these people meet our low expectations, we would feel a sense of joy and closeness to that person.

For example, at work, we may have no expectations from our collegues to stay back at work at 9pm, when we have something urgent due ourselves. If by change, one of our collegue stays back, we would feel a sense of closest to that person, since his or her presence was out of our expectation.

But ironically, people who we have lower expectations of are not supposed to be close to us, and due to the misunderstanding of our relationships and the meeting of different expectations, we quickly increase our expectations from these people, which they may not be able to meet, resulting in us to think that all people around us are unable to meet our expectations.

Blind spots... 3

So if we realise that everyone has blind spots, should we be more accomdating of others, and more accepting of others? Sometimes, no matter how many times you tell a person of their blind spot, they will still not be able to register what you say to them, as in their mind, they will not be able to comprehend about the fact that they have a blind spot. How should we deal with it?

At first we may have compassion and may even emphasise with them. After all, we realise that all of us have blind spots. And as the problem continues, we begin to get frustrated at the person, and may even give up, as we think that person cannot be changed because their blindspot is too great for them to realise.

But maybe the person who should change is ourselves. Maybe we should just accept that everyone is weak, and that we must accept people as they are, with all their blindspots attached. We should learn to bear with them if we value their relationship with us. Afterall, maybe it is our own blindspot that is affecting the way we see them.

I know this is all fine in theory, but in practice, it is still difficult...

That is why I admire my God, who despite all our flaws and weakness, continues to hold out His arms for me, even though I continue to fall at the same spot so many times. He continues to take me back no matter how hard I fall, and how low I become. He continues to be there for me, no strings attached, and continues to see me as His child, even though I have long forgotten Him.

And in my view, we should learn to treat others and accept them in the same way!

Blind spots...2

As we steer through life, we will encounter many people along the way. We will have opportunities to know people and to develop relationships with them. We may even know a person well enough to realise his or her blind spots. We may even inform them of this, but usually their reaction is of a defensive nature as they may not realise that this is the case. And in the same way, we become defensive when others tell us our blind spots, as we think that other people have misjudged us. But is this the case, are we so blind that we may not realise the truth is there right in front of us?

But maybe deep inside, we know all this. We realise there may be truth in what others are telling us. But we make excuses for ourselves. We justify ourselves in a number of ways. And all this justifications and excuses provide greater cover for our blind spots, and we continue to steer through life not watching out for our blind spots, until one day, we crash and burn...

And then, its already too late to change!

Blind spots

We were all taught by our driving instructors to look out for blind spots when we are changing lanes or making a turn.

In the same way, when we are steering through life, do we look out for our blind spots?

We can easily spot out other people's blind spots, but we tend to ignore our own blind spots. We express dislike at the weakness of others, but when will we realise that we have the same weaknesses as them? We become angry when someone hurts us, but do we realise that we constantly hurt others? When can we learn to accept others for the way they are?

Maybe the first step to accepting others is for us to accept ourselves. We need to know our true selfs, before we are able to accept ourselves.

The way we accept our true selfs is for us to realise that we have weakness and blindspots.

However, we seem to trivilise their blindspots, or we may not be able to spot out all of our major blindspots. We trick ourselves into thinking we have accepted ourselves but in reality we have not even realised our own personal major flaws.

The only way for us to recognise our true blindspots is for us to crash and burn while steering through life. It is only through traumatic experiences caused by our blindspots that we are able to have a glimpse of what our blindspots are.

Easy way out

Alot of people take the easy way out... maybe lack of patience is a by-product of our society today which focuses on instant gratification!

They take the easy way out when dealing with problems... they just avoid facing them.

They take the easy way out in doing things in their life... they just stay in their comfort zone.

They take the easy way out in everything they do... they do mundane tasks over and over again and never think into deeper thoughts of WHY or HOW. Or they think they do, but in reality they are only thinking of deep thoughts within their comfort zone and rarely venture out into anything out of their comfort zone.

But the irony is that there is no easy way out. When we try to take the easy way out, deep in our hearts, and deep in our minds, we know there is a possibility of another way, a way full of danger but also excitement, a way through of uncertainty but also adventure. We haven't lived until we stop taking the easy way out!

Appreciation

On the one hand, we know we are serving because of God.

On the other hand, we desire for our efforts and hard work to be appreciated.

Instead, everyone is too busy to notice what other people are doing for them, and alot of people are not shown any appreciation by anyone. The only time when people will notice what a person is doing is when something goes wrong, and that person will get criticisms. No one will remember that person when things run smoothly though.

Isn't it ironic that in the workforce nowadays, people are more valued. Most companies at least give their employees incentives to work hard - bonuses, after hour meals and taxi rides, morning tea for birthdays, gifts at Christmas, etc - but at church, what do people get? Complaints? Grumbles? Grudges?

Although we are serving God, and our reward lies with Him, being appreciated is a way for God's love to be communicated among us. Maybe we should learn to appreciate people that serve us, even though they may not be doing the best job, as this is a way for us to show God's love towards one another.

Maybe thats the support that we all need in order for us not to burn out in ministry.

Missing time

Yesterday I was on the train, coming home from work. I looked out the window and I saw that the train was at a station which was 4 stations away from the station that I needed to get off. I looked at my watch and it was 7:20pm. So in my mind, I knew that I have about 7 minutes before the train reaches my station, and so I decided to take out a book from my bag to read. After I read only one paragraph from the book, I noticed that the scenery outside looked familiar, and I realised that the train was about to arrive at my station. I looked at my watch and it was already 7:28pm. How come I have no recollection of the 8 minutes? Where did the time go?

Silence is golden

We live in a world where we communicate with each other through words, whether written or oral. Is this the most effective form of communication? Words can be misleading or deceptive. They may have unintended connotations. They may even be easily miscontrued through the wrong use of accents or punctuations.

Maybe silence is the most effective form of communciation. Maybe we should use our feelings to express our inner most emotions and desires in silence. Although silence may still be miscontrued, feelings can be effectively communicated if they are reciprocated or a connection is formed between the communicators. Expression of feelings through silence also saves time and can be as direct or as indirect as the communicator wants.

But the reason why we still use words is maybe because we want our feelings to be confirmed in words.

Escape

Sometimes people complain that they want to go somewhere and escape from their everyday life.

But in a sense, our everyday life is our form of escape.

We fill our lives with many things. We make ourselves busy with work, relationships and hobbies. We spend all our time doing every day things and we complain about not having enough time to ourselves.

But the true reason why we are filling ourselves with so many things is because we are escaping from reality, from thinking about the true issues in life, from thinking about the questions of life and death.

Maybe we all learn that tackling these complicated issues in life will bring us much grief and stress, while escaping from these thoughts with everyday trivial things making us busy, will bring stability. And on top of that our escapes from our escape will give us short moments of joy and fun.

Maybe it is much happier to be a simple person who escapes for most of their life, then a person who thinks and analyses about such complex issues for most of their life.

But the irony of the whole situation is this:
The more you try to escape, the harder it is to escape.

Warmth

How is this feeling or sensation expressed?

Through wearing enough clothes in winter?
Through sleeping with lots of blankets at night?
Through a hot shower in the middle of winter?

Or

Through someone showing their love and care for you in doing everyday things

Like cooking for you
Like spending time with you
Like sitting and chatting with you
Like noticing a fluff has fallen on your clothers and removing it for you
Like sending you a SMS to see if you have driven home safely
Like saying those three little words we are all longing to hear

Behind the exterior

Behind the smiling faces, the warm handshakes and the beautiful voices of this organisation...

1. Jealousy. He is jealous of her because she seems to be talented in everything whereas he has no gifts or talents that are appreciated by others.

2. Anger. He is angry over the way she went about and did things her way without consulting with him.

3. Betrayal. She feels betrayed as he told everyone her secrets which she told him when she was depressed.

4. Hurt. He is hurt as he was not told the real reason why he was not allowed to become a member of the organisation, whereas everyone else knew the real reason.

5. Disrepect and revolt. He does not respect her, as he feels that she does't deserve to be in the position she is in at the moment. At any moment now, he will try to remove her from that position.

....

and this organisation is supposed to be a place where God's love is shown.

Sorry

Most of us have a tendency to explain or seek an explanation when things don't go wrong. Is this always the best way to resolve a problem?

When we do something that causes others to feel hurt or rejected, we try to explain our actions. But if the person is feeling hurt or rejected, that person doesn't care about our explanations. That person only wants to hear one word - SORRY.

When someones tells us that they are depressed over a situation, we try to ask them a reason why they are depressed. But the truth of the matter is that the person is actually experiencing these feelings, and what is the use to ask that person to explain why he or she is feeling that way. That person only wants us to feel one thing for him or her - to feel SORRY.

To say SORRY or to feel SORRY for someone - is it that hard to do?

Maybe it is hard to say such a word as we need to humble ourselves and admit we are wrong. Maybe it is harder to feel that way for another person, as we are not even interested in other people in the first place.

Maybe in a sense, we are all living in this tragic world, and would like someone else to say SORRY or to feel SORRY for us.

Rational feelings

On the border of rationality and feeling...

The heart feels right, the heart feels happy, the heart wants to go deep into it, to experience the happiness and wonder of love...

The head is rational, the head remembers past hurts, the head wants more time to think and analyse...

How should one resolve these conflicting elements existing inside oneself? Is there anything called "rational feelings"?

Expectations

We all have expectations of each other.

As an employee, you are expected to behave in a certain way. You are expected to have certain skills and knowledge which reflects the level of your seniority in the organisation you work in. As a professional, you are expected to work or bill a minimum number of hours. And in order for you to continue your employment, you strive to meet these expectations.

As a leader or mentor, you are expected to have certain level of knowledge, and be readily available to the people that you care for. As a partner, you are expected to love your other half and be there to care and support him or her. As a friend, you are expected to do the same thing, but maybe on a different level. And because of your love for others, you try to meet these expectations.

We all try to meet the expectations of others. But ironically, we all feel that others are not meeting our expectations of them. Is it too much to expect others to show initiative to care for me and my problems, and not just telling me their own problems and expecting to me care for them? Is it too much to expect others to do to me what I would have done for them? Is it too much to expect a call, an sms or a msn message to inform me of what I need to know, instead of me always trying to contact them to find out what I should have been told and what I should have known in the first place? Is it too much to expect love in return for the love I give out?

Maybe true love for others is a love without expectations, a love that involves giving your all without expecting any return. Any return you get should not an expectation. Maybe we should not have any expectations from others at all?

Service vs Servicing

Alot of people focus on providing a good "service" - being friendly, being helpful and being approachable.

But if a good service is not supplemented by "servicing" - being able to respond to the request of clients or customers - then, no amount of good service will bring the client or customer in if servicing is not avaiable.

In our work, we can be friendly to clients, but we also need to be able to provide quality work for our clients by responding to their needs.

In church, we can be friendly to people, but we also need to understand the needs of the people in our church, not just giving them what we think they need.

Ironically, in alot of situations, all we are able to give to people at church is a forced smile. We are not willing to dig deep to understand others since it takes time and the rewards are low and not instanteous. Maybe that is why so many prefer to serve in music ministry (where there is instant gratification) instead of other roles such as discipling people (where the result may not be evident until many years down the track).

Controversy in praying

When a little Christian girl is sick, and is on the borderline of death and life, how should we pray?

Most people will pray for her recovery, for God's healing and for God's comfort for the girl.

However, even if God takes the girl away, is that such a bad thing? The innocent girl will be with Jesus, and will escape from the pain of this world. She will enjoy the eternal relationship with our Lord instead of struggling with sin in this world as she grows up. Wouldn't it be better for her to be taken away from this evil world where we do not belong?

Maybe the reason why we pray for recovery is for our own self interest - we want to see the little girl grow up, or we don't want to lose the girl. But maybe from the point of view of the girl's interest, it would be better for her to be in heaven.

The only prayer we should pray may be for God's will be done.

What do I want for my birthday?

When I was young, I looked forward to my birthday. I looked forward to the red boiled egg I would receive from my primary school. I looked forward to the great party food I would be having including pineapple sausages. I looked forward to my birthday cake especially if it was a black forest cake. I looked forward to a gathering of friends and relatives, enjoying their company and their love for me. I looked forward to the presents I would receive, especially if they were digital gadgets or games.

As I grow older, birthday celebrations become less and less important in my life. Sometimes it becomes a chore for me to organise my own birthday party. When I was 21, I held a large birthday party more to entertain my friends than for me to enjoy as I did not want to be the odd one out for not having a proper 21st birthday party. As I begin to work, I realise that presents are not important to me anymore, as I am able to buy what I want whenever I want.

My most memorable birthday was last year, when it was also the day before my father had a major operation. I did not really celebrate it, but just had a small gathering with friends a few days before. I did not care about my birthday last year as my thoughts and prayers were all centred on my father.

As my birthday approaches in 10 days time, what do I want? I am not looking forward to receiving extravagant gifts. If you ask me for a specific gift, it will be simple things like a money clip or the new Coldplay CD. Maybe what I really want is for people to just send me a simple wish or acknowledge their appreication for what I mean to them. Maybe as I grow older, I tend to value relationships with people around me more than materialistic gifts.

Living in the past

"Don't live in the past! Move on and look to the future!"

Most of us would have heard this statement in one form or another before. But how true is this statement?

All of us are constantly living in the past. Our brain is filled with thoughts, mostly of memories from the past. The intensity of our feelings increases as we are invoked by memories or feelings from the past. Our whole character is being moulded by our past experiences. Our past affects the way we look to the future.

How can we not live in the past?

Ironically, the more we try to forget about the past, the stronger the memories become.

Maybe we can only experience the present and the future once the present and the future becomes the past.

Leaving on a jet plane

In our age and culture, we are accustomed to people around us moving to another country to work. Every time someone leaves us, we feel a sense of loss, as we know that when they are not physically present with us, our relationship with them may change. Even though technology is advanced with the advent of emails and online messaging, there is a difference between someone physically beside you and someone who is far away in another place using technological means of communication. Technology can only bring people to a certain level, but true closest is having people around you who are experiencing what you are going through, as opposed to someone who is only receiving a report of what has happened. That is why whenever someone close to me leave to work or live in another place, I feel a sense of loss as I know that my relationship with that person may change as a result.

What is most tragic is the fact that each relationship with a person is unique and no other person can actually replace any relatioship that has been tainted due to the absence of physical contact.

In the minds of the terrorists

New information was releaased in London as to the identity of the people involved in the bombings in London. These people were your average local English people, born or raised up in the UK in an ethnic family, with similar tastes and interests as other Brits. Why would they do such an act?

Maybe they understood how alienated they were from society. Although they all had things to do in life, they didn't know what they were doing here in life. Maybe they were not able to find fulfilment in life. They didn't have a purpose in life. Even though they had family and friends aroudn them, these family and friends would be concerned about the trivial things in life, like what to wear or where to eat, but couldn't give them an answer as to why they were here in life. And as they try to search within themselves, they searched back to their roots, to the origin of their family, and rediscovered their religion in a new meaningful way. Given the state they were in, it would only take a few people to convince them to die, if they were convinced that their death would serve as a purpose of why they were born in this world. If they believed that through death, they could bring salvation to their family, they would sacrifice their lives. If they believed that through death, their life would have meaning and that they were able to escape from this meaningless world, they would do it. If deep in their hearts, they knew that alot of ordinary people feel the same way, and that death is just an escape for these people as well from this world we live in, they would carry out the attacks with no hesitation.

If we understood these emotions and feelings, maybe each one of us has a potential to be a terrorist.

Attacks

Nearly four years ago, I sat in awe as I watched the drama unfold on TV. Planes were crashing into the World Trade Centre at New York. People were jumping off buildings, smoke was everywhere, and the buildings actually collapsed right in front of my eyes during the live coverage. I was shocked, dumb founded and worried about people I know that might be there. I can so relate to something happening like that, innocent people in their offices, dying knowing the reason why.

Tonight, I found out as I was staying back at work that there was a bomb attack in London. As I read the internet sites, horror filled my heart. I kept saying the word "FUCK" repeatedly. I actually know people that are in London, working there, living there, and some of them are my very close friends. I have been to London before, and I actually know those places where the bombs went off. I can imagine what was happening and how chaotic it must have been. I am still in shock and am still waiting on news from some of them including one of my close friends who is over there for a three month work experience.

But it seems like life goes on for alot of people. When I went online tonight, noone seems to care about the attacks. Some of them don't even know what was happening even though this would be one of the biggest news of the year. I guess most of us are still living in our own "no man's land".

Empathy

"The most valuable things in life are not measured in monetary terms. The really important things are not houses and lands, stocks and bonds, automobiles and real state, but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy, mercy, love and faith." (Bertrand Russell, 1872-1970)

How often in our most distressed times are we able to experience empathy from other people? How often do we experience sympathy from others but not empathy from others.

Empathy is the ability to "glow for other's good, and melt at other's woe". It is not just the ability to listen to people, but to experience with them what they are experiencing. Maybe people are too self focused nowadays to develop an empathy for other people.

In the same way, do we emphasise with other people? Or are we also too self focused on our own problems.

Maybe the irony of all this is the fact that we are all too self focused on our own individual needs, which results in our longing for others to empathise with us.

Alienation...3

As this world progresses, we feel more and more alienated from this world. We feel that we are not able to keep up with the rapid pace of this world, and we fall behind in technology, fashion, trends and thoughts. We no longer feel that we are 'part' of this world, rather we feel alienated and living in our own worlds or "no man's lands".

And as the world consumes more and more of our time, whether through work or through keeping up with the world's progress (which results in us taking computer courses for example), we feel more and more alienated from ourselves. Sometimes we are so busy that we don't know who are anymore, let alone what we want out of life. We realise that we are very busy doing things to try to enable us to 'belong' or 'fit' into this world (such as work or education), but in order for us to eliminate our alienation from the world, we have, in effect, alienated ourselves from our own personal being. And as we strive to rediscover ourselves, we may want to do so many things to redevelop ourselves into a person we really want ourselves to be, and given our limited time and resources, it is likely that we are not able to achieve this to a satisfactory level. This failure to rediscover our personal being and develop ourselves will reinforce our sense of alienation from our personal being.

Maybe it is this sense of alienation that will lift us from this world and enable us to realise that we are not made for this world.

Alienation... 2

Humans are relational beings. It is this desire to develop relations with others and the failure to achieve this that we feel alienated from the people around us and from this world.

However, what is a true relationship? What is true connection with one another?

Sometimes, the people that know you best may not be the ones that we form a connection to. Sometimes a connection is formed with people that we only have a superficial relationship with. For example, we may feel a connection or closeness with a person that shares a common interest with us, even though that person does not know a thing about our inner feelings or struggles. On the other hand, our connection with a person who knows us well and who we trust and confide our problems to may just be limited to the fact that the person is merely a channel for us to express our emotions, and we may not really form a connection with that person on another level.

Maybe it is this irony that makes us feel more alienated. The people we form a connection to may not be able to help us through our struggles and problems. The people who may be able to help us through our struggles and problems may not be the ones who we feel we are connected to. In the end, we feel like being stuck in a "no man's land", where noone can really get through to us, and we are all alone, alienated, and detached from the people and the world around us.

The true irony of this fact is that our world is actually made up of millions of "no man's land", and each person is standing in their own "no man's land" and not able to see that right next to them is another person standing in their own "no man's land".

Alienation

Alot of times we are too self absorbed in our own problems and issues. When we talk to others, we tend to talk about ourselves. We want others to listen to us. When others talk about themselves, our minds may be too self absorbed in our own issues to understand the concerns of others. We treat the problems of others as trivial, and we long for others to recognise that our problems should take priority over theirs because we perceive our problems to be greater. The sad thing is that everyone thinks the same way, and so it seems to us that noone listens to us or understands us, which results in our feeling of alienation from people and from the world. This phenomenon, coupled with the fact that we may be too self absorbed to care about others around us, may result in us not wanting to talk to others, fuelling the feeling of alienation from this world.

Ironically, this feeling of alienation and the desire to escape from our problems is what connects people together in this post-modern world. It is a shame that most of us don't realise this.

Desperado

Desperado. When we reach a certain age in our life, all of us are desperate for a partner in life. Someone who can care and love us, and someone who we can love and care for.

Some people will resort to finding anyone to be their partner for life for the fear that it will be harder to look for a partner as their age increases. However, finding a partner is a very important process. If you choose the wrong person, you are stuck with that person for the rest of your life (on the presumption that separation or divorce is not available). Why should we lower our expectation or standards as we grow older? Of course, if you are 40 years old, and you expect to find a girl that is 16 years old, that may be an unrealistic expectation. But if you expect to find a partner who is humble and full of fraternity, why should you lower this expectation even though you are older?

I had a dream last night. A girl I liked a few years ago but havn't seen since came up to me and wanted me to be with her. But I already have someone else in my mind now. In the dream, I ended up being with that girl i liked a few years ago as I knew she was a guaranteed partner, whereas I am not even sure whether the girl I currently like has the same feelings for me. The first question I asked myself when I woke up from this dream was whether I am really a desperado.

Desperdo, why don't you come to your senses?

Perspective

Thoughts of two people

Person A:
"I am a lonely person. I don't have much friends. I don't know why. Ever since I was young noone wants to hang around me. I am not good at school. I am not cool and trendy like some of the other guys. No girls have ever liked me before. In some sense I am scared of people. They always seem to look down on me. I just want to fit ito a group. I just want to have some friends. I also want a girlfriend. Is this wrong?"

Person B:
"I can't stand that guy. He is just weird. When you try to be nice and talk to him, he sometimes just walks away. He seems to like staying close to girls - too close in fact - and likes to brush past them or touch them inappropriately. No wonder why noone likes him. Why is he here? He is making everyone so uncomfortable. Why doesn't he just leave us alone?"

Should we be more accomodating towards a person we can't stand? But what about if other people are involved? How can we show love to a person who seems to harm other people even though it may be due to his background or charcter?

A simple life

Sometimes the simple things in life are the best things in life. The following is an example of simple moments in my life that have been entrenched in my memory:

1. Simple family dinners where all family members are present
2. Falling asleep as a baby in the arms of parents or grandparents
3. Reading a novel on a couch on a Saturday afternoon
4. Walking around the block early in the morning and breathing in the fresh morning air
5. Walking along the beach at sunset with my girlfriend
6. Listening to favourite songs in the car with my girlfriend
7. Telephone conversations with close friends from night until the break of dawn
8. Sitting around and gossiping with collegues after a firm function
9. Sitting around the piano or a guitar singing Christian songs
10. Playing out my emotions on the piano by myself
11. Buying Italian cold cuts from a local deli in Rome
12. Sitting in a mamak store in KL in the middle of the night talking to friends
13. Eating fresh crispy deep fried dough with congee on an early morning in Hong Kong
14. Walking along the streets of Paris looking at artists selling their work in street markets
15. Listening to a free jazz concert on a wharf as part of the Sydney Jazz Festival

Try to enjoy the simple things in life more!

Impartiality

We are all biased. We are all impartial. None of us are fair.

If our country gets attacked by terrorists or our people being killed in natural disasters, we mourn for the loss of lifes. If there is a disaster in a third world country, or a civil war erupts there killing many people, we will not even give a second thought.

When atheletes from other countries have tested positive for drugs, we think they are cheats. When our own atheletes have tested positive for drugs, we think that an asprin caused the result.

When a pretty girl is accused of drug smuggling, we all assume she is innocent. When a middle-aged ethnic man is accused of drug smuggling, we all assume he is guilty.

When other children break something in our house, we form the view that there must be something wrong in the parenting of these kids. When our own kids break something in other people's houses, we give excuses for our kids and are delighted that they are so active at such a young age.

When we are doing something and others are standing around and not helping us, we think that they are selfish lazy bastards. When others are doing something, we are too busy engaged in our thoughts and conversations to realise that others may need a helping hand.

When our partners cheat on us, we feel hurt, upset, distressed and angry. But when we cheat on our partners, we blame it on alcohol or drugs.

We are all biased. We are all impartial. None of us are fair.

Til death do us part...3

While we are on the subject, did you know...

Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife. The first question was, "Did you bring joy?" The second was, "Did you find joy?"

What do we believe? We bring joy to others by giving them the assurance of eternal life after their death. We find joy on earth through this assurance of an eternal relationship with our Creator. However, we only actually experience this true joy when we leave this world.

As Benjamin Frankin once said:
Fear not death, for the sooner we die the longer we shall be immortal.

And as William Penn so correctly pointed out:
For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity.

Let's look forward to the day where we will be risen up in new bodies. As Kahil Gibran once said:
For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind? And when the Earth has claimed our limbs, Then we shall truly dance.

Til death do us part... 2

Life is full of misery, distress, tragedy and sadness. I continue to struggle in this fallen world. I continue to do things that are not pleasing to God. I know I am wrong, but I am helpless and is weak in my flesh. I always fall into temptation with the desires of my flesh. I am not made for this world. Where can I find true joy? Am I only able to experience true joy when I am no longer in the world but in eternity with our Lord? Then why am I still here? Why can't I be with Him now? Should I speed up the process now so that I can see Him...

..........................

..........................

STOP!!!!!

He keeps me here for a purpose. I am his representative in this world and I should try my best to fulfil my role here. Maybe there are still things I need to do on this road to santification before He will take me to Him. The road is hard... and maybe very long....

I shouldn't take the easy way out. I am not a coward. Let me continue to find strength in Him!

Til death do us part

Death. Everyone is afraid of it. Yet everyone will face it one day.

Am I scared of death? Yes. Why? Because this is one aspect of "life" that I have no control over. I don't know when it will come or how it will be. Even as a Christian, I am still scared about leaving the familiar territory of this world and heading into the unknown. Why am I scared? I don't know. I know that I shouldn't be scared as I have the assurance that I will be with God, but still I am scared. Maybe it is a reflection of my relationship with God and not knowing Him well enough, and so not knowing what to expect when I am with Him. Maybe it is a deeper realisation of how undeserving I am to receive His grace and how I deserve to be in exile forever. Or maybe it is just the plain simple reason that I don't want to give up this world. I don't know. Don't ask me. I don't want to think!

When I was young, I used to think death would not occur in my immediate circle. But I soon found out this was all wishful thinking.

My first experience with death occurred some time in 1997, when a close friend of my father died from cancer in hospital. I still remembered that night. We were having dinner at home at night, and the phone rang. It was the wife of my dad's friend. She told us that her husband has passed away. With no hesitation, my parents went to the hospital and dragged me along with them. When we got there, his family were all there. There was also a pastor there. He looked peaceful in bed, but I tried not to look at him. The pastor led us into a short prayer and we departed soon after. The impact of his death were not so great, as I was not that close with him on a personal level.

Soon after, several relatives passed away, some close and some distant. The most striking memory I have of death was the death of my grandmother in 2000. She had been in a nursing home for a number of years as her health was deteriorating badly. My dad used to visit her every day but I would only go there once in a while. I gave myself alot of excuses like study and dating and did not have a lot of time. Grandma loved me so much when I was young. She would express her love by buying things for me. She would always save the best piece of chicken for me at dinnertime. And when I was older, she would give me money whenever she saw me. I was glad that I went to the nursing home a few days before she died to visit her. Even at her frail state, she tried to find something to give me. She was not able to talk then. The night of her death, I woke up at 4am. I didn't know why I woke up. Suddenly, the phone rang. I was too scared to pick it up. It woke my dad. It was the nursing home, informing my dad that grandma was dying. My mom and dad quickly got up and went to the nursing home. I stayed at home and received a call from my parents that grandma has died. I didn't know what to do. Luckily I was in the middle of changing jobs so I did not have work that day. I stayed at home and didn't know whether I should watch TV or go on the net. I did not know who I should speak to. I kept thinking whether she was saved by God (as I evangelised to her a few years earlier and she agreed to convert to Christ but she had dementia and kept on worshipping idols) . And I missed the funeral as I was starting work that day and I was afraid that my new work won't believe me if I told them about this. So I went to the ceremony the night before the funeral. This is one thing I regretted not doing - attending her funeral. And I haven't been to her grave either. I don't know why. Just haven't gotten around to it.... or maybe I don't want to face it.

Then end of 2003, my nanna from Hong Kong died. My mum was already there for a few months beforehand as my nanna's kidneys began to fail. I found out the news from my sister who rang me at work to inform me about it. I left work early, but still didn't know what to do. I regretted deeply of not even attempting to share the gospel with her. I was in Hong Kong in 2001 for her 90th birthday, and I wanted to share the gospel, but didn't have a chance. And I asked my aunt (who was also a Christian) to share to gospel with her, but my aunt was too scared and she didn't have to courage to talk about Christ before nanna passed away. I feel like I have missed out on an opportunity to share the gospel which has sealed her fate in hell. It sounds harsh, but thats the truth.

And as I write this today, I pray that my parents, my sister and my brother in law will come to know Christ before their final day comes. I don't want them to be suffering in eternity. God, please help them. Please change their hearts so that they can trust in Him and make you their Lord over their lives.

And as for my own death... I am still scared, but I know I can face it as Christ has already faced it and paid the ultimate penalty for me!!

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far

To where you are
(To where you are - Josh Groban)

In an instant...

The world we live in is an instantaneous world. We want everything to be done instantaneously. Technology has allowed us to receive information instantaneously through fascimile and email. Competition has resulted in greater efficiency in the retail sector which results in quicker services in order to give consumers greater satisfaction. We all want instantaneous gratification from the increasing stress which is being burdened onto us by this demanding society.

We apply thise same type of thinking into all our relationships. We tend to judge people extremely quickly. We form a view of people within the first few seconds of meeting them. If we see a stain on a person's shirt, we will jump to the conclusion that the person is a messy person who is not able to take care of themselves. However, maybe in reality, the person is actually a very tidy person and the stain is due to a cumbersome neighbour who bumped into the person and spilled some tea onto the shirt. If we see a guy with his hand up a 6 year old girl's skirt, we will form the view that the guy is a paedophile. But if we know that the reason why his hand was up her skit was that he was trying to remove a deadly spider that crawled up her legs, we will see him as a hero. Unfortuantely for us, we have already formed our judgement of that person striaght away at the instant we laid an eye on that person (eg at the moment when we see the stain or when we see the hand up the skirt), and we will never know the true reasons behind that person's actions.

And why do we continue to do this? Maybe because of the society we live in, we have the capacity to meet so many different people through all sorts of avenues, like work, social clubs or the internet. If we formed an instant bad impression of a person when we first meet them, we will not be bothered to pursue a deeper understanding of that person, as we have the opportunity to meet other people who we can "click" in the first instance. Furthermore, due to the heavy demands that other areas of life have on our time, we will not give priority to forming relationships with people who we don't have a good impression against. Therefore, our view of a person is the view we have formed in the first instance.

The problem does not stop there. If our relationships with others are based on first impressions, we may form a view of a person that is totally different to what that person actually is. And because we are so busy, we will not have time to develop the relationship beyond that initial impression and we will be having this false knowledge of that person throughout our life. However, sometimes this impression will be corrected. For example, when something drastic happens, and we need to rely on a friend who we perceive as helpful and knowlegable, we will then realise that person is not able to help us because that person is not as capable or as willing to help as we first thought. When we realise that all the relationships in our lives are based on false instanteous judgments, we will realise how little we know the people in our lives, and how little they know about us. This is why we are constantly in a state of loneliness and depression as we realise that noone understands us, not even our closest partner, and we don't understand anyone at all.

Should we change the way we form relationships? We may want to exercise more patience on others, and learn to understand them before we dismiss them from our lives. But in reality, we are constrained by this instaneous world. We are constrained by time and by our daily demands. We may want to spend time to get to know a person, but that person may be too busy or may already formed an instanteous impression of us and decided not to spend any time with us. Even if we want to change the way we form relationships, we are faced with so much constraints that we will feel frustrated which will spiral into a state of loneliness and depression as we realise that we are not able to understand others better and that noone is willing to understand us, not even our closest partner.

Is there a way out? Maybe there is an instant button we can press to change everything...

Adaptation

Some people are uncomfortable with changes. They will be anxious about changes in their lives and may loath at the possibility of change.

I preceive myself as a person who is very adaptable to changes around me. I see changes as something positive. Changes allow us to experience new things in our lives and we may discover something new about ourselves that we do not know before. Maybe I am just a practical person and have adopted to the ever changing nature of our world. Maybe I understand that in order to survive in this world, I will need to change and adapt.

When I was young, I was forced to adapt to a new country and a new style of living when I immigrated to Australia. I was able to adapt quickly and soon made Australia my home.

When I moved to university, my closest friends from high school all went to different universities. I was able to make friends quickly and within a few weeks, I would always have people to hang around with during breaks.

I have moved around to alot of different jobs since I graduated, and each time I have adjusted well to new environments. I remember that one of my current collegues commented that I fitted in the group very nicely after only a week in my current job and that she thought I had been with the group much longer than my actual time there.

In terms of my church life, I have changed from serving in the Chinese congregation with older people to serving in the English congregation with younger people. I feel like that I am able to get on well with different people, no matter what age or background and so I am flexible in terms of who I am serving.

Many of my good friends have deserted me in the past few years, not in the sense of termination of friendship, but in the sense of leaving for overseas or getting married, which means they have less time for me than before. But I try to make new friends with the people that are around me. It is strange that the people I used to rely on five years ago are different to the people that I rely on now.

However, a person like me who is adaptable to change faces one big challenge - IDENTITY CRISIS. Sometimes I don't feel like I belong anywhere. A life filled with changes makes a person lose his sense of identity and belonging. Am I Australian or am I Chinese? Who is my best friend? Do I really belong to the firm I am in now, or am I just staying here for a year or so before moving to greener pastures? Who are my closest friends in church - the people I have known for 10 years (but they are not able to understand some of the issues I go through in my role in the English congregation) or the younger guys in English (who may not have the life experience to understand the problems I face in my life)? Maybe that is why I like changes in life. Maybe there is a glimmer of hope that I will find my true identity through changes and that one day I truly know who I am.....

But maybe all these things do not matter, as I know I belong to GOD, and I am His son.

Complaints

Human beings tend to complain all the time. In the workplace, we complain about our bosses, the number of hours we work and how our clients are treating us. At home, we complain about how our family doesn't understand us. At church, we complain about the lack of commitment of our fellow brothers and sisters and the sermons of certain speakers. In the community, we complain about the government, the public transport system and the social security system. The list goes on.

Why can't we be content with what we have? Why can't we rejoice in the fact that we are still alive, still enjoying what life has to offer, and we have a roof over our head and enough food to keep us healthy and strong? Why do we always look at the negative side of life?

If we are unhappy with our work, why don't we change our work? Is it because our work actually brings us a relatively high level of income? Is it because our work actually makes us feel important? Is our work actually giving us a status in society that we are proud of? The reason why we complain about our work is because we actually have choices in relation to our job. Talk to a person who is long term unemployed and we will understand what it means for a person to be content to take any job, no matte how hard or mundane that job is.

At home, have we thought about others, or are we focused on ourselves. We complain that our family doesn't understand us. Do we take the time to understand them or allow them to understand us? Coming home after work, do we just lay in front of the TV without wanting to talk to our family because we are too tired? Do we leave all the housework for our spouse or parents? Do we ever share our fears or desires with our family? Maybe the reason why they don't understand us is that we don't actually let them.

When we see the flaws of our brothers and sisters in church, do we see our own flaws? We complain that people are neglected, do we actually go and make these neglected people feel welcome or do we only choose to welcome those we are comfortable with. We complain about how certain programs are run. Are we willing to spend the time to help out when we see a lack of resources? Why can't we be more appreciative of the efforts of others? We tend to only see their flaws, but in their eyes, they may be accusing us of the exact same flaws!!

If we have so much complaints about the community, in what ways are we willing to help? Do we constantly try to minimise the taxes we pay? Do we try to obtain as much social benefits as we can even though we do not deserve them? Do we move our money offshore to avoid local taxes and charges? Do we engage in practises such as illegal downloads which will cause a decrease in the overall level of consumption in our economy? When we see people committing crime, and the crime does not relate to us, do we pretend that nothing happened so as to avoid trouble? How much are we willing to be involved in this community?? What right do we have to complain?

Therefore, let us learn to appreciate the things we have, the people around us and the world we live in. Noone is perfect, and we all should try to live and learn from one another. We should be appreciative of other people doing things that we are not able to do. When we look at this world and the people around us from the point of view of our need for them, then we will see how valuable everything and everyone is.