Til death do us part

Death. Everyone is afraid of it. Yet everyone will face it one day.

Am I scared of death? Yes. Why? Because this is one aspect of "life" that I have no control over. I don't know when it will come or how it will be. Even as a Christian, I am still scared about leaving the familiar territory of this world and heading into the unknown. Why am I scared? I don't know. I know that I shouldn't be scared as I have the assurance that I will be with God, but still I am scared. Maybe it is a reflection of my relationship with God and not knowing Him well enough, and so not knowing what to expect when I am with Him. Maybe it is a deeper realisation of how undeserving I am to receive His grace and how I deserve to be in exile forever. Or maybe it is just the plain simple reason that I don't want to give up this world. I don't know. Don't ask me. I don't want to think!

When I was young, I used to think death would not occur in my immediate circle. But I soon found out this was all wishful thinking.

My first experience with death occurred some time in 1997, when a close friend of my father died from cancer in hospital. I still remembered that night. We were having dinner at home at night, and the phone rang. It was the wife of my dad's friend. She told us that her husband has passed away. With no hesitation, my parents went to the hospital and dragged me along with them. When we got there, his family were all there. There was also a pastor there. He looked peaceful in bed, but I tried not to look at him. The pastor led us into a short prayer and we departed soon after. The impact of his death were not so great, as I was not that close with him on a personal level.

Soon after, several relatives passed away, some close and some distant. The most striking memory I have of death was the death of my grandmother in 2000. She had been in a nursing home for a number of years as her health was deteriorating badly. My dad used to visit her every day but I would only go there once in a while. I gave myself alot of excuses like study and dating and did not have a lot of time. Grandma loved me so much when I was young. She would express her love by buying things for me. She would always save the best piece of chicken for me at dinnertime. And when I was older, she would give me money whenever she saw me. I was glad that I went to the nursing home a few days before she died to visit her. Even at her frail state, she tried to find something to give me. She was not able to talk then. The night of her death, I woke up at 4am. I didn't know why I woke up. Suddenly, the phone rang. I was too scared to pick it up. It woke my dad. It was the nursing home, informing my dad that grandma was dying. My mom and dad quickly got up and went to the nursing home. I stayed at home and received a call from my parents that grandma has died. I didn't know what to do. Luckily I was in the middle of changing jobs so I did not have work that day. I stayed at home and didn't know whether I should watch TV or go on the net. I did not know who I should speak to. I kept thinking whether she was saved by God (as I evangelised to her a few years earlier and she agreed to convert to Christ but she had dementia and kept on worshipping idols) . And I missed the funeral as I was starting work that day and I was afraid that my new work won't believe me if I told them about this. So I went to the ceremony the night before the funeral. This is one thing I regretted not doing - attending her funeral. And I haven't been to her grave either. I don't know why. Just haven't gotten around to it.... or maybe I don't want to face it.

Then end of 2003, my nanna from Hong Kong died. My mum was already there for a few months beforehand as my nanna's kidneys began to fail. I found out the news from my sister who rang me at work to inform me about it. I left work early, but still didn't know what to do. I regretted deeply of not even attempting to share the gospel with her. I was in Hong Kong in 2001 for her 90th birthday, and I wanted to share the gospel, but didn't have a chance. And I asked my aunt (who was also a Christian) to share to gospel with her, but my aunt was too scared and she didn't have to courage to talk about Christ before nanna passed away. I feel like I have missed out on an opportunity to share the gospel which has sealed her fate in hell. It sounds harsh, but thats the truth.

And as I write this today, I pray that my parents, my sister and my brother in law will come to know Christ before their final day comes. I don't want them to be suffering in eternity. God, please help them. Please change their hearts so that they can trust in Him and make you their Lord over their lives.

And as for my own death... I am still scared, but I know I can face it as Christ has already faced it and paid the ultimate penalty for me!!

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far

To where you are
(To where you are - Josh Groban)