Rational feelings

On the border of rationality and feeling...

The heart feels right, the heart feels happy, the heart wants to go deep into it, to experience the happiness and wonder of love...

The head is rational, the head remembers past hurts, the head wants more time to think and analyse...

How should one resolve these conflicting elements existing inside oneself? Is there anything called "rational feelings"?

Expectations

We all have expectations of each other.

As an employee, you are expected to behave in a certain way. You are expected to have certain skills and knowledge which reflects the level of your seniority in the organisation you work in. As a professional, you are expected to work or bill a minimum number of hours. And in order for you to continue your employment, you strive to meet these expectations.

As a leader or mentor, you are expected to have certain level of knowledge, and be readily available to the people that you care for. As a partner, you are expected to love your other half and be there to care and support him or her. As a friend, you are expected to do the same thing, but maybe on a different level. And because of your love for others, you try to meet these expectations.

We all try to meet the expectations of others. But ironically, we all feel that others are not meeting our expectations of them. Is it too much to expect others to show initiative to care for me and my problems, and not just telling me their own problems and expecting to me care for them? Is it too much to expect others to do to me what I would have done for them? Is it too much to expect a call, an sms or a msn message to inform me of what I need to know, instead of me always trying to contact them to find out what I should have been told and what I should have known in the first place? Is it too much to expect love in return for the love I give out?

Maybe true love for others is a love without expectations, a love that involves giving your all without expecting any return. Any return you get should not an expectation. Maybe we should not have any expectations from others at all?

Service vs Servicing

Alot of people focus on providing a good "service" - being friendly, being helpful and being approachable.

But if a good service is not supplemented by "servicing" - being able to respond to the request of clients or customers - then, no amount of good service will bring the client or customer in if servicing is not avaiable.

In our work, we can be friendly to clients, but we also need to be able to provide quality work for our clients by responding to their needs.

In church, we can be friendly to people, but we also need to understand the needs of the people in our church, not just giving them what we think they need.

Ironically, in alot of situations, all we are able to give to people at church is a forced smile. We are not willing to dig deep to understand others since it takes time and the rewards are low and not instanteous. Maybe that is why so many prefer to serve in music ministry (where there is instant gratification) instead of other roles such as discipling people (where the result may not be evident until many years down the track).

Controversy in praying

When a little Christian girl is sick, and is on the borderline of death and life, how should we pray?

Most people will pray for her recovery, for God's healing and for God's comfort for the girl.

However, even if God takes the girl away, is that such a bad thing? The innocent girl will be with Jesus, and will escape from the pain of this world. She will enjoy the eternal relationship with our Lord instead of struggling with sin in this world as she grows up. Wouldn't it be better for her to be taken away from this evil world where we do not belong?

Maybe the reason why we pray for recovery is for our own self interest - we want to see the little girl grow up, or we don't want to lose the girl. But maybe from the point of view of the girl's interest, it would be better for her to be in heaven.

The only prayer we should pray may be for God's will be done.

What do I want for my birthday?

When I was young, I looked forward to my birthday. I looked forward to the red boiled egg I would receive from my primary school. I looked forward to the great party food I would be having including pineapple sausages. I looked forward to my birthday cake especially if it was a black forest cake. I looked forward to a gathering of friends and relatives, enjoying their company and their love for me. I looked forward to the presents I would receive, especially if they were digital gadgets or games.

As I grow older, birthday celebrations become less and less important in my life. Sometimes it becomes a chore for me to organise my own birthday party. When I was 21, I held a large birthday party more to entertain my friends than for me to enjoy as I did not want to be the odd one out for not having a proper 21st birthday party. As I begin to work, I realise that presents are not important to me anymore, as I am able to buy what I want whenever I want.

My most memorable birthday was last year, when it was also the day before my father had a major operation. I did not really celebrate it, but just had a small gathering with friends a few days before. I did not care about my birthday last year as my thoughts and prayers were all centred on my father.

As my birthday approaches in 10 days time, what do I want? I am not looking forward to receiving extravagant gifts. If you ask me for a specific gift, it will be simple things like a money clip or the new Coldplay CD. Maybe what I really want is for people to just send me a simple wish or acknowledge their appreication for what I mean to them. Maybe as I grow older, I tend to value relationships with people around me more than materialistic gifts.

Living in the past

"Don't live in the past! Move on and look to the future!"

Most of us would have heard this statement in one form or another before. But how true is this statement?

All of us are constantly living in the past. Our brain is filled with thoughts, mostly of memories from the past. The intensity of our feelings increases as we are invoked by memories or feelings from the past. Our whole character is being moulded by our past experiences. Our past affects the way we look to the future.

How can we not live in the past?

Ironically, the more we try to forget about the past, the stronger the memories become.

Maybe we can only experience the present and the future once the present and the future becomes the past.

Leaving on a jet plane

In our age and culture, we are accustomed to people around us moving to another country to work. Every time someone leaves us, we feel a sense of loss, as we know that when they are not physically present with us, our relationship with them may change. Even though technology is advanced with the advent of emails and online messaging, there is a difference between someone physically beside you and someone who is far away in another place using technological means of communication. Technology can only bring people to a certain level, but true closest is having people around you who are experiencing what you are going through, as opposed to someone who is only receiving a report of what has happened. That is why whenever someone close to me leave to work or live in another place, I feel a sense of loss as I know that my relationship with that person may change as a result.

What is most tragic is the fact that each relationship with a person is unique and no other person can actually replace any relatioship that has been tainted due to the absence of physical contact.

In the minds of the terrorists

New information was releaased in London as to the identity of the people involved in the bombings in London. These people were your average local English people, born or raised up in the UK in an ethnic family, with similar tastes and interests as other Brits. Why would they do such an act?

Maybe they understood how alienated they were from society. Although they all had things to do in life, they didn't know what they were doing here in life. Maybe they were not able to find fulfilment in life. They didn't have a purpose in life. Even though they had family and friends aroudn them, these family and friends would be concerned about the trivial things in life, like what to wear or where to eat, but couldn't give them an answer as to why they were here in life. And as they try to search within themselves, they searched back to their roots, to the origin of their family, and rediscovered their religion in a new meaningful way. Given the state they were in, it would only take a few people to convince them to die, if they were convinced that their death would serve as a purpose of why they were born in this world. If they believed that through death, they could bring salvation to their family, they would sacrifice their lives. If they believed that through death, their life would have meaning and that they were able to escape from this meaningless world, they would do it. If deep in their hearts, they knew that alot of ordinary people feel the same way, and that death is just an escape for these people as well from this world we live in, they would carry out the attacks with no hesitation.

If we understood these emotions and feelings, maybe each one of us has a potential to be a terrorist.

Attacks

Nearly four years ago, I sat in awe as I watched the drama unfold on TV. Planes were crashing into the World Trade Centre at New York. People were jumping off buildings, smoke was everywhere, and the buildings actually collapsed right in front of my eyes during the live coverage. I was shocked, dumb founded and worried about people I know that might be there. I can so relate to something happening like that, innocent people in their offices, dying knowing the reason why.

Tonight, I found out as I was staying back at work that there was a bomb attack in London. As I read the internet sites, horror filled my heart. I kept saying the word "FUCK" repeatedly. I actually know people that are in London, working there, living there, and some of them are my very close friends. I have been to London before, and I actually know those places where the bombs went off. I can imagine what was happening and how chaotic it must have been. I am still in shock and am still waiting on news from some of them including one of my close friends who is over there for a three month work experience.

But it seems like life goes on for alot of people. When I went online tonight, noone seems to care about the attacks. Some of them don't even know what was happening even though this would be one of the biggest news of the year. I guess most of us are still living in our own "no man's land".

Empathy

"The most valuable things in life are not measured in monetary terms. The really important things are not houses and lands, stocks and bonds, automobiles and real state, but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy, mercy, love and faith." (Bertrand Russell, 1872-1970)

How often in our most distressed times are we able to experience empathy from other people? How often do we experience sympathy from others but not empathy from others.

Empathy is the ability to "glow for other's good, and melt at other's woe". It is not just the ability to listen to people, but to experience with them what they are experiencing. Maybe people are too self focused nowadays to develop an empathy for other people.

In the same way, do we emphasise with other people? Or are we also too self focused on our own problems.

Maybe the irony of all this is the fact that we are all too self focused on our own individual needs, which results in our longing for others to empathise with us.

Alienation...3

As this world progresses, we feel more and more alienated from this world. We feel that we are not able to keep up with the rapid pace of this world, and we fall behind in technology, fashion, trends and thoughts. We no longer feel that we are 'part' of this world, rather we feel alienated and living in our own worlds or "no man's lands".

And as the world consumes more and more of our time, whether through work or through keeping up with the world's progress (which results in us taking computer courses for example), we feel more and more alienated from ourselves. Sometimes we are so busy that we don't know who are anymore, let alone what we want out of life. We realise that we are very busy doing things to try to enable us to 'belong' or 'fit' into this world (such as work or education), but in order for us to eliminate our alienation from the world, we have, in effect, alienated ourselves from our own personal being. And as we strive to rediscover ourselves, we may want to do so many things to redevelop ourselves into a person we really want ourselves to be, and given our limited time and resources, it is likely that we are not able to achieve this to a satisfactory level. This failure to rediscover our personal being and develop ourselves will reinforce our sense of alienation from our personal being.

Maybe it is this sense of alienation that will lift us from this world and enable us to realise that we are not made for this world.

Alienation... 2

Humans are relational beings. It is this desire to develop relations with others and the failure to achieve this that we feel alienated from the people around us and from this world.

However, what is a true relationship? What is true connection with one another?

Sometimes, the people that know you best may not be the ones that we form a connection to. Sometimes a connection is formed with people that we only have a superficial relationship with. For example, we may feel a connection or closeness with a person that shares a common interest with us, even though that person does not know a thing about our inner feelings or struggles. On the other hand, our connection with a person who knows us well and who we trust and confide our problems to may just be limited to the fact that the person is merely a channel for us to express our emotions, and we may not really form a connection with that person on another level.

Maybe it is this irony that makes us feel more alienated. The people we form a connection to may not be able to help us through our struggles and problems. The people who may be able to help us through our struggles and problems may not be the ones who we feel we are connected to. In the end, we feel like being stuck in a "no man's land", where noone can really get through to us, and we are all alone, alienated, and detached from the people and the world around us.

The true irony of this fact is that our world is actually made up of millions of "no man's land", and each person is standing in their own "no man's land" and not able to see that right next to them is another person standing in their own "no man's land".

Alienation

Alot of times we are too self absorbed in our own problems and issues. When we talk to others, we tend to talk about ourselves. We want others to listen to us. When others talk about themselves, our minds may be too self absorbed in our own issues to understand the concerns of others. We treat the problems of others as trivial, and we long for others to recognise that our problems should take priority over theirs because we perceive our problems to be greater. The sad thing is that everyone thinks the same way, and so it seems to us that noone listens to us or understands us, which results in our feeling of alienation from people and from the world. This phenomenon, coupled with the fact that we may be too self absorbed to care about others around us, may result in us not wanting to talk to others, fuelling the feeling of alienation from this world.

Ironically, this feeling of alienation and the desire to escape from our problems is what connects people together in this post-modern world. It is a shame that most of us don't realise this.

Desperado

Desperado. When we reach a certain age in our life, all of us are desperate for a partner in life. Someone who can care and love us, and someone who we can love and care for.

Some people will resort to finding anyone to be their partner for life for the fear that it will be harder to look for a partner as their age increases. However, finding a partner is a very important process. If you choose the wrong person, you are stuck with that person for the rest of your life (on the presumption that separation or divorce is not available). Why should we lower our expectation or standards as we grow older? Of course, if you are 40 years old, and you expect to find a girl that is 16 years old, that may be an unrealistic expectation. But if you expect to find a partner who is humble and full of fraternity, why should you lower this expectation even though you are older?

I had a dream last night. A girl I liked a few years ago but havn't seen since came up to me and wanted me to be with her. But I already have someone else in my mind now. In the dream, I ended up being with that girl i liked a few years ago as I knew she was a guaranteed partner, whereas I am not even sure whether the girl I currently like has the same feelings for me. The first question I asked myself when I woke up from this dream was whether I am really a desperado.

Desperdo, why don't you come to your senses?

Perspective

Thoughts of two people

Person A:
"I am a lonely person. I don't have much friends. I don't know why. Ever since I was young noone wants to hang around me. I am not good at school. I am not cool and trendy like some of the other guys. No girls have ever liked me before. In some sense I am scared of people. They always seem to look down on me. I just want to fit ito a group. I just want to have some friends. I also want a girlfriend. Is this wrong?"

Person B:
"I can't stand that guy. He is just weird. When you try to be nice and talk to him, he sometimes just walks away. He seems to like staying close to girls - too close in fact - and likes to brush past them or touch them inappropriately. No wonder why noone likes him. Why is he here? He is making everyone so uncomfortable. Why doesn't he just leave us alone?"

Should we be more accomodating towards a person we can't stand? But what about if other people are involved? How can we show love to a person who seems to harm other people even though it may be due to his background or charcter?

A simple life

Sometimes the simple things in life are the best things in life. The following is an example of simple moments in my life that have been entrenched in my memory:

1. Simple family dinners where all family members are present
2. Falling asleep as a baby in the arms of parents or grandparents
3. Reading a novel on a couch on a Saturday afternoon
4. Walking around the block early in the morning and breathing in the fresh morning air
5. Walking along the beach at sunset with my girlfriend
6. Listening to favourite songs in the car with my girlfriend
7. Telephone conversations with close friends from night until the break of dawn
8. Sitting around and gossiping with collegues after a firm function
9. Sitting around the piano or a guitar singing Christian songs
10. Playing out my emotions on the piano by myself
11. Buying Italian cold cuts from a local deli in Rome
12. Sitting in a mamak store in KL in the middle of the night talking to friends
13. Eating fresh crispy deep fried dough with congee on an early morning in Hong Kong
14. Walking along the streets of Paris looking at artists selling their work in street markets
15. Listening to a free jazz concert on a wharf as part of the Sydney Jazz Festival

Try to enjoy the simple things in life more!

Impartiality

We are all biased. We are all impartial. None of us are fair.

If our country gets attacked by terrorists or our people being killed in natural disasters, we mourn for the loss of lifes. If there is a disaster in a third world country, or a civil war erupts there killing many people, we will not even give a second thought.

When atheletes from other countries have tested positive for drugs, we think they are cheats. When our own atheletes have tested positive for drugs, we think that an asprin caused the result.

When a pretty girl is accused of drug smuggling, we all assume she is innocent. When a middle-aged ethnic man is accused of drug smuggling, we all assume he is guilty.

When other children break something in our house, we form the view that there must be something wrong in the parenting of these kids. When our own kids break something in other people's houses, we give excuses for our kids and are delighted that they are so active at such a young age.

When we are doing something and others are standing around and not helping us, we think that they are selfish lazy bastards. When others are doing something, we are too busy engaged in our thoughts and conversations to realise that others may need a helping hand.

When our partners cheat on us, we feel hurt, upset, distressed and angry. But when we cheat on our partners, we blame it on alcohol or drugs.

We are all biased. We are all impartial. None of us are fair.

Til death do us part...3

While we are on the subject, did you know...

Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife. The first question was, "Did you bring joy?" The second was, "Did you find joy?"

What do we believe? We bring joy to others by giving them the assurance of eternal life after their death. We find joy on earth through this assurance of an eternal relationship with our Creator. However, we only actually experience this true joy when we leave this world.

As Benjamin Frankin once said:
Fear not death, for the sooner we die the longer we shall be immortal.

And as William Penn so correctly pointed out:
For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity.

Let's look forward to the day where we will be risen up in new bodies. As Kahil Gibran once said:
For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind? And when the Earth has claimed our limbs, Then we shall truly dance.

Til death do us part... 2

Life is full of misery, distress, tragedy and sadness. I continue to struggle in this fallen world. I continue to do things that are not pleasing to God. I know I am wrong, but I am helpless and is weak in my flesh. I always fall into temptation with the desires of my flesh. I am not made for this world. Where can I find true joy? Am I only able to experience true joy when I am no longer in the world but in eternity with our Lord? Then why am I still here? Why can't I be with Him now? Should I speed up the process now so that I can see Him...

..........................

..........................

STOP!!!!!

He keeps me here for a purpose. I am his representative in this world and I should try my best to fulfil my role here. Maybe there are still things I need to do on this road to santification before He will take me to Him. The road is hard... and maybe very long....

I shouldn't take the easy way out. I am not a coward. Let me continue to find strength in Him!

Til death do us part

Death. Everyone is afraid of it. Yet everyone will face it one day.

Am I scared of death? Yes. Why? Because this is one aspect of "life" that I have no control over. I don't know when it will come or how it will be. Even as a Christian, I am still scared about leaving the familiar territory of this world and heading into the unknown. Why am I scared? I don't know. I know that I shouldn't be scared as I have the assurance that I will be with God, but still I am scared. Maybe it is a reflection of my relationship with God and not knowing Him well enough, and so not knowing what to expect when I am with Him. Maybe it is a deeper realisation of how undeserving I am to receive His grace and how I deserve to be in exile forever. Or maybe it is just the plain simple reason that I don't want to give up this world. I don't know. Don't ask me. I don't want to think!

When I was young, I used to think death would not occur in my immediate circle. But I soon found out this was all wishful thinking.

My first experience with death occurred some time in 1997, when a close friend of my father died from cancer in hospital. I still remembered that night. We were having dinner at home at night, and the phone rang. It was the wife of my dad's friend. She told us that her husband has passed away. With no hesitation, my parents went to the hospital and dragged me along with them. When we got there, his family were all there. There was also a pastor there. He looked peaceful in bed, but I tried not to look at him. The pastor led us into a short prayer and we departed soon after. The impact of his death were not so great, as I was not that close with him on a personal level.

Soon after, several relatives passed away, some close and some distant. The most striking memory I have of death was the death of my grandmother in 2000. She had been in a nursing home for a number of years as her health was deteriorating badly. My dad used to visit her every day but I would only go there once in a while. I gave myself alot of excuses like study and dating and did not have a lot of time. Grandma loved me so much when I was young. She would express her love by buying things for me. She would always save the best piece of chicken for me at dinnertime. And when I was older, she would give me money whenever she saw me. I was glad that I went to the nursing home a few days before she died to visit her. Even at her frail state, she tried to find something to give me. She was not able to talk then. The night of her death, I woke up at 4am. I didn't know why I woke up. Suddenly, the phone rang. I was too scared to pick it up. It woke my dad. It was the nursing home, informing my dad that grandma was dying. My mom and dad quickly got up and went to the nursing home. I stayed at home and received a call from my parents that grandma has died. I didn't know what to do. Luckily I was in the middle of changing jobs so I did not have work that day. I stayed at home and didn't know whether I should watch TV or go on the net. I did not know who I should speak to. I kept thinking whether she was saved by God (as I evangelised to her a few years earlier and she agreed to convert to Christ but she had dementia and kept on worshipping idols) . And I missed the funeral as I was starting work that day and I was afraid that my new work won't believe me if I told them about this. So I went to the ceremony the night before the funeral. This is one thing I regretted not doing - attending her funeral. And I haven't been to her grave either. I don't know why. Just haven't gotten around to it.... or maybe I don't want to face it.

Then end of 2003, my nanna from Hong Kong died. My mum was already there for a few months beforehand as my nanna's kidneys began to fail. I found out the news from my sister who rang me at work to inform me about it. I left work early, but still didn't know what to do. I regretted deeply of not even attempting to share the gospel with her. I was in Hong Kong in 2001 for her 90th birthday, and I wanted to share the gospel, but didn't have a chance. And I asked my aunt (who was also a Christian) to share to gospel with her, but my aunt was too scared and she didn't have to courage to talk about Christ before nanna passed away. I feel like I have missed out on an opportunity to share the gospel which has sealed her fate in hell. It sounds harsh, but thats the truth.

And as I write this today, I pray that my parents, my sister and my brother in law will come to know Christ before their final day comes. I don't want them to be suffering in eternity. God, please help them. Please change their hearts so that they can trust in Him and make you their Lord over their lives.

And as for my own death... I am still scared, but I know I can face it as Christ has already faced it and paid the ultimate penalty for me!!

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far

To where you are
(To where you are - Josh Groban)