I am hurt, in multiple ways...
Hurt by someone so dear to me, even though that person still do not know that I am hurt.
I remembered that people used to say "Sticks and stones can hurt my bones but words will never hurt me". This is not true. Words sometimes hurt much deeper than any physical pains and scars. Words can be said in a way or manner that allows me to project a person's personality, and what that person will be like in the long term. And maybe I was hurt by what that person said, but I am more hurt by the fact that I may not be able to accept that person in the long term if that person continues to be like that. It hurts me to realise that I had thoughts of building something permanent with that person, but it seems like there is a side of that person that I have ignored, a side that I may not be able to accept. Maybe I expected too much from that person. Maybe the hurt comes from my false expectations in the first place.
It hurts more to realise time is running out on my side, to find someone... maybe I may never find someone...
And maybe by being silent, and not talking about it, and ignoring that person, I am hurting that person in the same way, as that person doesn't know why I am acting in a different manner from before.
And then when I try to share my hurt with other people, people that I care about and people that I thought cared for me, I am hurt by their responses as well.
I told someone the problem when it initially happened, but that person did not follow it up with me. When the problem escalates to the point of hurting me so badly that I am totally depressed, that person did not even realise I am in such a state, and continues normally, without noticing my depression or asking me about the problem. It is ironic that the same person can see this fault in others but cannot see this fault in themselves. The hurt goes deeper...
And what about the person who seems to care for me, and wanting to hear my problems, but on condition that I tell at a time that is convenient for that person. Well, I actually need someone when I am really depressed, not when I have figured things out myself. Where are people when I really need them? The hurt deepens...
The irony of the matter is that I have, in various times, been there for these people, but in times of my own depression, they are not able to stand by me and support me in a way which I expect. Maybe they think the same way about me, I don't know...
That is why all of us are so alienated from each other, in more ways than we can ever imagine. That is why our lives are full of emotional hurt caused by people who are closest to us.
"I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here"
(Excerpt from "Hurt" by Johnny Cash)
3 comments:
re your comments about certain friends not responding to your needs and not following up with what you have told them re your plans:
i have learnt myself to not expect anything from friends. nothing. sometimes this's not because the friends themselves are not worthy to be friends with (often that's the case?). It's just that every one has their priorities in life and every one has their dark side. sometimes, people are too busy dealing with their own priorities in life and their dark side that they have no mood nor energy nor attention in second guessing what other people are going through, their sufferings, etc. we are all alone - other than the people you live with who probably has a higher chance of sharing the same problems, or people you can relate to a lot because of similarities in terms of thinking, background, etc, there is no one out there. we are all lone.
yes, a somewhat depressed and cynical view.
and re this issue of expectations:
I think by now we all understand that expectations hurt us a lot. esp people like you and me. the issue is: how to not expect anything? and is it possible or indeed preferable to not expect anything?
I never learnt to not expect too much from others and things. probably too high a bar for anyone? but i just can't lower the bar as i thought the standard was just basic requirements.
Or is it because we have too much time or energy to be concerned of different things that we have the time to expect? Imagine you are doing what you absolutely want to do. and you are completely passionate about it. In those cases, would you pay a lot of attention to expectations and people meeting those expectations? Or perhaps you would be too focused in pursuing what's in your control to pursue that you would pay less attention to other matters that relate to others letting you down?
I'm not sure myself
You can only find peace in yourself. i believe that now as i feel that people always letting me down. and who knows, others may feel that i'm letting them down. How to find peace in oneself? HOW?
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