She continues to amaze me... and I continue to be more annoyed and annoyed at her... and to think that the thought of considering her have crossed my mind previously....
She can use people as jokes which to me is a form of personal attack but when people retaliate and make a joke about her, she becomes defensive and upset. So in her world, it is fine for her to do things to others, but not the other way around.
She takes everything for granted. She takes people for granted. She appreciates random people doing small things for her, and she thinks they are treating her well, but she neglects what her close friends have done for her and expects these friends to do so much more, and then she complains that her close friends are not treating her well.
Who wants to have partner like this, let alone a friend like this?
But on another level, she can be caring and loving, and in critical times, she would be there for me. If I am to consider her again, I want her to be like this all the time, not just during a few moments of my life. But who am I to demand this?
At the moment, I have tried to see how we would react with each other with less communication and contact. I have not told her anything, but at this stage, given my emotional state and my annoyance I think it may be best. I have been doing this for a week now, and so far, I am feeling fine about my decision. Maybe this is a confirmation that I should redirect my focus and energy on other things or other people, as I have no urges to contact or communicate with her during the past week. Or maybe at this stage, I am just too annoyed at her. Only time will tell.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Never changing?
Have I changed over the past ten years? It seems like I am doing the same things as I was doing ten years ago.
Sure, there are changes in my life. I am working now. I have greater responsibility at work, home and church, but the essence of my existence has not changed.
My discussion topics and interests have not really changed during these years.
I am still engaging in activities such as dinners, suppers and drinks, even though the places I go to may have changed. For example, over the years, I have gone to Double Bay for different things, initially it was ice cream at the French Riviera (now relocated) or coffee at Dee Bees, then it was coffee and desserts at the Cosmopolitan, and today, Double Bay is the place for Max Brenner.
I am still into music, and still go to karaoke. The only difference is the songs I sing. Over the years, I sang a number of songs and each era I would sing songs from certain singers, from Jacky Cheung and Leon Lai, to Andy Hui, to Leo Ku and Eason Chan, and now Justin Lo. There is essentially not much difference in what I do in a karaoke room over the years.
I still enjoy communicating with people, and over the years the modes of communication has changed. I remembered spending hours on the phone in the past, talking to my friends until 4 or 5 am in the morning. I remembered the ICQ explosion, where we spent hours typing messages with each other. And nowadays, its all MSN each night and every night, and the occasional SMS.
I still talk about boy-girl relationship with other people, and still, I have not found someone to be the one, even though over the years I have been with a few different girls. I still talk about my future aspirations. I still complain about the things in my life, which in the past would be university lecturers and timetables, and now it would be bosses at work or incompetent graduates. I still talk about my interests with others - music, films, travel, sports, current affairs, philosophy, religions, etc.
Is this a problem? Does this mean that I have not developed over the past ten years?
Most of my contemporaries have moved on the next life stage. Getting married. Having babies. Their interests have changed dramatically. They have no more time for long chats, or karaoke til 3am in the morning. They talk about where to get cheap nappies or which shop sells chicken wings for 10c less per kilo. They have less freedom with their financial resources, especially with a mortgage over their family home. It seems like we are in two different worlds.
And maybe that is why I am able to associate with people 10 years younger than me now, because I am still at the same life stage as them.
Is this a problem? Maybe my next life stage will come at much a later time in life than my contemporaries. Or maybe there is no next life stage for me.
Sure, there are changes in my life. I am working now. I have greater responsibility at work, home and church, but the essence of my existence has not changed.
My discussion topics and interests have not really changed during these years.
I am still engaging in activities such as dinners, suppers and drinks, even though the places I go to may have changed. For example, over the years, I have gone to Double Bay for different things, initially it was ice cream at the French Riviera (now relocated) or coffee at Dee Bees, then it was coffee and desserts at the Cosmopolitan, and today, Double Bay is the place for Max Brenner.
I am still into music, and still go to karaoke. The only difference is the songs I sing. Over the years, I sang a number of songs and each era I would sing songs from certain singers, from Jacky Cheung and Leon Lai, to Andy Hui, to Leo Ku and Eason Chan, and now Justin Lo. There is essentially not much difference in what I do in a karaoke room over the years.
I still enjoy communicating with people, and over the years the modes of communication has changed. I remembered spending hours on the phone in the past, talking to my friends until 4 or 5 am in the morning. I remembered the ICQ explosion, where we spent hours typing messages with each other. And nowadays, its all MSN each night and every night, and the occasional SMS.
I still talk about boy-girl relationship with other people, and still, I have not found someone to be the one, even though over the years I have been with a few different girls. I still talk about my future aspirations. I still complain about the things in my life, which in the past would be university lecturers and timetables, and now it would be bosses at work or incompetent graduates. I still talk about my interests with others - music, films, travel, sports, current affairs, philosophy, religions, etc.
Is this a problem? Does this mean that I have not developed over the past ten years?
Most of my contemporaries have moved on the next life stage. Getting married. Having babies. Their interests have changed dramatically. They have no more time for long chats, or karaoke til 3am in the morning. They talk about where to get cheap nappies or which shop sells chicken wings for 10c less per kilo. They have less freedom with their financial resources, especially with a mortgage over their family home. It seems like we are in two different worlds.
And maybe that is why I am able to associate with people 10 years younger than me now, because I am still at the same life stage as them.
Is this a problem? Maybe my next life stage will come at much a later time in life than my contemporaries. Or maybe there is no next life stage for me.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Too much to handle...
... can I just stop everything and take some time out to reflect... am i heading in the right direction... can someone guide me to overcome the obstacles in my way or am i required to work things out myself... but how can i when there so much pressures from other aspects of my life?
Stop. Revive. Survive.
Stop. Revive. Survive.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Confusion
Confused. Utterly incomprehensible.
Why are people so noisy? Why do people like to gossip?
Can a guy and a girl be just friends? Why do people say so much, and do so much? Why do people think we are not setting the right example? Why is it that the only thing we can do to stop stumbling other people is to distance ourselves from one another?
In any other context, this kind of friendship is common. Why are people so sensitive?
Or am I fooling myself? I know where I stand. I think I know. Does she know where she stands? Why is her response dependent on my response? Am I an obstacle in her way to happiness? Would others not approach her because of me?
I was told that she has never rejected me, unlike others, who would do so in an unfair and prejudicial manner. Am I a reject? Why would everyone else reject me? Why would only guys tell me that they would have me if they were the opposite sex? Are they only comforting me?
Am I confused? Am I hurt? Am I disillusioned?
I can choose others, and others can choose me. I can reject others, and others can reject me. Endless cycle. Maybe the people that I like would always reject me, while the people that I reject would always like me.
Reassessment? Not until I have dealt with my confusion, hurt and disillusionment. But how?
Why are people so noisy? Why do people like to gossip?
Can a guy and a girl be just friends? Why do people say so much, and do so much? Why do people think we are not setting the right example? Why is it that the only thing we can do to stop stumbling other people is to distance ourselves from one another?
In any other context, this kind of friendship is common. Why are people so sensitive?
Or am I fooling myself? I know where I stand. I think I know. Does she know where she stands? Why is her response dependent on my response? Am I an obstacle in her way to happiness? Would others not approach her because of me?
I was told that she has never rejected me, unlike others, who would do so in an unfair and prejudicial manner. Am I a reject? Why would everyone else reject me? Why would only guys tell me that they would have me if they were the opposite sex? Are they only comforting me?
Am I confused? Am I hurt? Am I disillusioned?
I can choose others, and others can choose me. I can reject others, and others can reject me. Endless cycle. Maybe the people that I like would always reject me, while the people that I reject would always like me.
Reassessment? Not until I have dealt with my confusion, hurt and disillusionment. But how?
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Reminders
Things tend to remind us of the past...
At a friend's place recently, and his kitchen utensils were similar to the utensils used by my late grandmother - the metal plates used for serving, the use of newsletter on the coffee table and eating in front of the TV - brought back memories of the past.
Walking to work on an overcast day and seeing tourists walking around reminded me of being a tourist in Rome where I was walking about early in the morning on an overcast day trying to find an old cathedral which housed one of Caravaggio's paintings.
Seeing a graduate at work making silly mistakes reminded me what I used to be like when I first started, making stupid mistakes and silly typos in documents.
We tend to feel a closer connection to things or people that remind us of past events or people.
At a friend's place recently, and his kitchen utensils were similar to the utensils used by my late grandmother - the metal plates used for serving, the use of newsletter on the coffee table and eating in front of the TV - brought back memories of the past.
Walking to work on an overcast day and seeing tourists walking around reminded me of being a tourist in Rome where I was walking about early in the morning on an overcast day trying to find an old cathedral which housed one of Caravaggio's paintings.
Seeing a graduate at work making silly mistakes reminded me what I used to be like when I first started, making stupid mistakes and silly typos in documents.
We tend to feel a closer connection to things or people that remind us of past events or people.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Lack of Christian peers
I have just noticed I do not have any peers in my Christian circle that can support me.
Age group peers - I do not have any. The people that are in that group are already at the next life stage. They have no capacity nor understanding of my current situation anymore.
Social-economic peers - I do not have any. Most of these peers fall outside my Christian circle.
Spiritual peers - I do not have any. It is hard to find someone to be able to walk with in this spiritual journey.
This is not healthy. This is not ideal.
Age group peers - I do not have any. The people that are in that group are already at the next life stage. They have no capacity nor understanding of my current situation anymore.
Social-economic peers - I do not have any. Most of these peers fall outside my Christian circle.
Spiritual peers - I do not have any. It is hard to find someone to be able to walk with in this spiritual journey.
This is not healthy. This is not ideal.
Rebuking in Ministry 2
It hurts, it really does.
But I think it is a lesson from God.
All I did was set out my reasons why I have to make a certain decision, and outlined the supposed roles and responsibilities of the other person.
The person replied with a personal attack on me, which was copied to all relevant people, questioning my character and integrity.
I am upset, still am upset. I had several people examine my original message and all of them, all from different backgrounds, thought that the original message was impartial and objective. They all agreed that the response was the problem, as that person over-reacted and missed out on the main gist of my argument.
I need to learn. I have to learn.
My first reaction was to respond back to the person. I could mount a convincing argument against that person's senseless response. But that person is too emotional and irrational. I think the wise thing is not to respond anymore to that person. Maybe I have already learnt my first lesson in trying not to defend myself and keep quiet for the sake of peace.
But I still have to deal with that person. This is the point I am at now.
I need to pray and ask God to give me wisdom to how to deal with the person. I think this is a valuable lesson for me to learn from if I am to grow and move ahead in my ministry. I may choose to ignore the person, and use a comfortable approach to deal with it in an administrative way. But I don't think this is what God wants me to learn. I may have to deal with this in a way which I have not done previously. May I be able to rely on Him and do things in a way which pleases him.
But I think it is a lesson from God.
All I did was set out my reasons why I have to make a certain decision, and outlined the supposed roles and responsibilities of the other person.
The person replied with a personal attack on me, which was copied to all relevant people, questioning my character and integrity.
I am upset, still am upset. I had several people examine my original message and all of them, all from different backgrounds, thought that the original message was impartial and objective. They all agreed that the response was the problem, as that person over-reacted and missed out on the main gist of my argument.
I need to learn. I have to learn.
My first reaction was to respond back to the person. I could mount a convincing argument against that person's senseless response. But that person is too emotional and irrational. I think the wise thing is not to respond anymore to that person. Maybe I have already learnt my first lesson in trying not to defend myself and keep quiet for the sake of peace.
But I still have to deal with that person. This is the point I am at now.
I need to pray and ask God to give me wisdom to how to deal with the person. I think this is a valuable lesson for me to learn from if I am to grow and move ahead in my ministry. I may choose to ignore the person, and use a comfortable approach to deal with it in an administrative way. But I don't think this is what God wants me to learn. I may have to deal with this in a way which I have not done previously. May I be able to rely on Him and do things in a way which pleases him.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Workplace changes
People are leaving left right and centre from my place of work. About half of my group will be gone by the end of February. When a person leaves, the dynamics of the group change dramatically. I have formed some close relationships with some of my colleagues and when they leave, there is a sense of loss, since I know that the relationships will change when I am no longer able to see them again, especially if they are moving to another country to work.
Do I want to leave? Yes I do but what do I really want to do?
Do I want to leave? Yes I do but what do I really want to do?
Monday, January 08, 2007
Lost Fantasies
I saw my ex girlfriend (from 10 years ago) walking in the streets recently. But when I turned around, she was gone. I wonder how she is going. Is she married? Is she still single? Is she a mother now?
I saw a girl I liked years ago in my dream recently. In the dream, she was very happy to see me as we haven't seen each other for a long time. We hugged and danced around like two little kids. In reality this person is married.
I saw a girl on MSN who I had an affection for a few years ago, but haven't contacted her since then as she is no longer in the city I am living in. Seeing her online brings back a wave of feelings, and talking to her again makes me want to ring her and just talk to her about what has been happening in these past few years.
Even if I contacted these people again, I may have nothing to say to them. The images I have of them are from another space and time, and they may have changed alot since then. Maybe these are all lost fantasies.
I saw a girl I liked years ago in my dream recently. In the dream, she was very happy to see me as we haven't seen each other for a long time. We hugged and danced around like two little kids. In reality this person is married.
I saw a girl on MSN who I had an affection for a few years ago, but haven't contacted her since then as she is no longer in the city I am living in. Seeing her online brings back a wave of feelings, and talking to her again makes me want to ring her and just talk to her about what has been happening in these past few years.
Even if I contacted these people again, I may have nothing to say to them. The images I have of them are from another space and time, and they may have changed alot since then. Maybe these are all lost fantasies.
Rebuking in Ministry
Its hard for me to rebuke others, but sometimes things need to be done, especially if I am in a position to do so.
Why do some people never learn? They think they can deceive the whole world, not knowing that the whole world has already seen through them.
Why do some people make things so hard? Why do we waste so much time in ministry on people issues that are not really important? How come people can act so differently yet they are all praying to the same God?
It is not fun when one is forced to use their power to overrule something for the sake of others. Even though I know others think I did the right thing, I am very uncomfortable, as I may have hurt the person I am rebuking. But maybe that is the only way they could learn. I guess I should know by now that I can't please everyone, and my role here is to please God, not to please the people around me.
Why do some people never learn? They think they can deceive the whole world, not knowing that the whole world has already seen through them.
Why do some people make things so hard? Why do we waste so much time in ministry on people issues that are not really important? How come people can act so differently yet they are all praying to the same God?
It is not fun when one is forced to use their power to overrule something for the sake of others. Even though I know others think I did the right thing, I am very uncomfortable, as I may have hurt the person I am rebuking. But maybe that is the only way they could learn. I guess I should know by now that I can't please everyone, and my role here is to please God, not to please the people around me.
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