I guess what hurts more is the fact that I realised the person may not be able to be my companion for life, and that the person would not be able to support me in my life ministries.
So how should I deal with that? Confrontational approach? I am not that type!
The only way is to escape from the problem! Not seeing that person!! Not talking to the person. That way, I won't be reminded of the hurt or the spiritual incompatibility with that person.
And the way I am going about this is hurting that person. Maybe that person doesn't know what is going on. Maybe that person is hurt by my sudden withdrawal. And in a way, I am hurting that person in return.
But I can't help it, as this is the only way that I can deal with it.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Hurt
I am hurt, in multiple ways...
Hurt by someone so dear to me, even though that person still do not know that I am hurt.
I remembered that people used to say "Sticks and stones can hurt my bones but words will never hurt me". This is not true. Words sometimes hurt much deeper than any physical pains and scars. Words can be said in a way or manner that allows me to project a person's personality, and what that person will be like in the long term. And maybe I was hurt by what that person said, but I am more hurt by the fact that I may not be able to accept that person in the long term if that person continues to be like that. It hurts me to realise that I had thoughts of building something permanent with that person, but it seems like there is a side of that person that I have ignored, a side that I may not be able to accept. Maybe I expected too much from that person. Maybe the hurt comes from my false expectations in the first place.
It hurts more to realise time is running out on my side, to find someone... maybe I may never find someone...
And maybe by being silent, and not talking about it, and ignoring that person, I am hurting that person in the same way, as that person doesn't know why I am acting in a different manner from before.
And then when I try to share my hurt with other people, people that I care about and people that I thought cared for me, I am hurt by their responses as well.
I told someone the problem when it initially happened, but that person did not follow it up with me. When the problem escalates to the point of hurting me so badly that I am totally depressed, that person did not even realise I am in such a state, and continues normally, without noticing my depression or asking me about the problem. It is ironic that the same person can see this fault in others but cannot see this fault in themselves. The hurt goes deeper...
And what about the person who seems to care for me, and wanting to hear my problems, but on condition that I tell at a time that is convenient for that person. Well, I actually need someone when I am really depressed, not when I have figured things out myself. Where are people when I really need them? The hurt deepens...
The irony of the matter is that I have, in various times, been there for these people, but in times of my own depression, they are not able to stand by me and support me in a way which I expect. Maybe they think the same way about me, I don't know...
That is why all of us are so alienated from each other, in more ways than we can ever imagine. That is why our lives are full of emotional hurt caused by people who are closest to us.
"I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here"
(Excerpt from "Hurt" by Johnny Cash)
Hurt by someone so dear to me, even though that person still do not know that I am hurt.
I remembered that people used to say "Sticks and stones can hurt my bones but words will never hurt me". This is not true. Words sometimes hurt much deeper than any physical pains and scars. Words can be said in a way or manner that allows me to project a person's personality, and what that person will be like in the long term. And maybe I was hurt by what that person said, but I am more hurt by the fact that I may not be able to accept that person in the long term if that person continues to be like that. It hurts me to realise that I had thoughts of building something permanent with that person, but it seems like there is a side of that person that I have ignored, a side that I may not be able to accept. Maybe I expected too much from that person. Maybe the hurt comes from my false expectations in the first place.
It hurts more to realise time is running out on my side, to find someone... maybe I may never find someone...
And maybe by being silent, and not talking about it, and ignoring that person, I am hurting that person in the same way, as that person doesn't know why I am acting in a different manner from before.
And then when I try to share my hurt with other people, people that I care about and people that I thought cared for me, I am hurt by their responses as well.
I told someone the problem when it initially happened, but that person did not follow it up with me. When the problem escalates to the point of hurting me so badly that I am totally depressed, that person did not even realise I am in such a state, and continues normally, without noticing my depression or asking me about the problem. It is ironic that the same person can see this fault in others but cannot see this fault in themselves. The hurt goes deeper...
And what about the person who seems to care for me, and wanting to hear my problems, but on condition that I tell at a time that is convenient for that person. Well, I actually need someone when I am really depressed, not when I have figured things out myself. Where are people when I really need them? The hurt deepens...
The irony of the matter is that I have, in various times, been there for these people, but in times of my own depression, they are not able to stand by me and support me in a way which I expect. Maybe they think the same way about me, I don't know...
That is why all of us are so alienated from each other, in more ways than we can ever imagine. That is why our lives are full of emotional hurt caused by people who are closest to us.
"I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here"
(Excerpt from "Hurt" by Johnny Cash)
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Building Trust
Building trust with people is important to establish a relationship with them. If we don't have a relationship with someone through mutual trust and respect, how can we show our care and love to them? How do we know what their needs are if we don't even know them? How can we possibily say that we are genuine in our love and care when they don't even have trust or faith in us?
So it is ironic that most churches advocate for their members to love and care for one another, especially new people, but in most cases, no relationship is ever built before one attempts to show such love and care, resulting in adverse consequences. Some examples follows:
1. A new person attends church for the first time. He gave his details as requested. After two weeks of absence, he receives a phone call from a "leader" of the church. The new person do not know who the "leader" was, and felt uncomfortable during the whole conversation as he had to explain why he did not go to church for two weeks. This experience put off the person so much that he vowed never to return to that church again.
2. A new believer has been attending church regularly for two months. She sees a number of people each week, but only a handful of people actually spend time to talk to her. One day, a person who has never spoken to her (even though that person has seen her around for two months) came up to her and said "Hi, you must be ##. I have been assigned to go through a course with you, so if you are fine, lets come to my place every Friday night for the next 8 weeks." The new believer immediately feels that the person is fake as that person did not express any love and care towards her previously, and the only reason why that person is doing the course with her is because that was the person's role at church. The new believer gets put off by that approach, and finds excuses not to pursue the course, which may have done her alot of good, if the person doing the course with her was someone she knew and trusted in.
3. A person has been attending church for a while, but due to his personality and nature, not much people talks to him. He is a person that needs alot of love and attention, and everyone is too busy to notice that. After a while, he feels disappointed and leaves church. To his surprise, he began receiving phone calls, emails, SMSs and online messages asking him why he has left the church. Instead of being delighted by these responses, he feels that all these people are fake, as they did not show any evidence of love and care when he was there with them, and by doing all these afterwards, he just feels that they are not genuine in their actions.
Maybe before we claim that we are showing love and care towards people, by briefly talking to them or by welcoming them, let us ask ourselves whether we are willing to spend the time with new people in order for them to build their trust in us. Are we willing to develop friendships with them that may require patience and endurance? Are we willing to be disppointed or hurt by them through the process? It is only when we have done these things that we have geniunely show love and care towards others.
So it is ironic that most churches advocate for their members to love and care for one another, especially new people, but in most cases, no relationship is ever built before one attempts to show such love and care, resulting in adverse consequences. Some examples follows:
1. A new person attends church for the first time. He gave his details as requested. After two weeks of absence, he receives a phone call from a "leader" of the church. The new person do not know who the "leader" was, and felt uncomfortable during the whole conversation as he had to explain why he did not go to church for two weeks. This experience put off the person so much that he vowed never to return to that church again.
2. A new believer has been attending church regularly for two months. She sees a number of people each week, but only a handful of people actually spend time to talk to her. One day, a person who has never spoken to her (even though that person has seen her around for two months) came up to her and said "Hi, you must be ##. I have been assigned to go through a course with you, so if you are fine, lets come to my place every Friday night for the next 8 weeks." The new believer immediately feels that the person is fake as that person did not express any love and care towards her previously, and the only reason why that person is doing the course with her is because that was the person's role at church. The new believer gets put off by that approach, and finds excuses not to pursue the course, which may have done her alot of good, if the person doing the course with her was someone she knew and trusted in.
3. A person has been attending church for a while, but due to his personality and nature, not much people talks to him. He is a person that needs alot of love and attention, and everyone is too busy to notice that. After a while, he feels disappointed and leaves church. To his surprise, he began receiving phone calls, emails, SMSs and online messages asking him why he has left the church. Instead of being delighted by these responses, he feels that all these people are fake, as they did not show any evidence of love and care when he was there with them, and by doing all these afterwards, he just feels that they are not genuine in their actions.
Maybe before we claim that we are showing love and care towards people, by briefly talking to them or by welcoming them, let us ask ourselves whether we are willing to spend the time with new people in order for them to build their trust in us. Are we willing to develop friendships with them that may require patience and endurance? Are we willing to be disppointed or hurt by them through the process? It is only when we have done these things that we have geniunely show love and care towards others.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Disappointment & Obligations
Disappointment comes from being hurt as a result of certain actions, by others or by ourselves.
When someone else is disappointed in us, it is usually because our actions have hurt them. It may be due to us not being able to meet their expectations.
But in a situation where our actions were not meant to hurt others, but simply done as a result of our obligations due to the role we play, then why would others be hurt? Shouldn't they understand that the actions were based on our obligations, and not based on them? Don't they know that we are also hurt in the process of fulfilling our obligations? Don't they also know that we are also disappointed in ourselves as we may be hurt from our own actions?
Then, why are they disappointed in us if they understand all of this? Shouldn't they see this action in a positive way as we are people of integrity, being able to fulfil our pre-existing obligations? Shouldn't they understand this?
Maybe it is because they think that we have another set of obligations to them which override our obligations from the roles we have. But if they expect all our pre-existing obligations be subordinate to our obligations to them, even when their obligations are trivial as compared to the importance of our pre-existing obligations, then maybe they should readjust their expectations. It is true that we may owe alot of obligations to them, but all obligations are relative to one another, and sometimes our obligations to them may be overridden by our general fraternal obligations. It is at these points in time that they need to understand and support us, not be disappointed to us.
When someone else is disappointed in us, it is usually because our actions have hurt them. It may be due to us not being able to meet their expectations.
But in a situation where our actions were not meant to hurt others, but simply done as a result of our obligations due to the role we play, then why would others be hurt? Shouldn't they understand that the actions were based on our obligations, and not based on them? Don't they know that we are also hurt in the process of fulfilling our obligations? Don't they also know that we are also disappointed in ourselves as we may be hurt from our own actions?
Then, why are they disappointed in us if they understand all of this? Shouldn't they see this action in a positive way as we are people of integrity, being able to fulfil our pre-existing obligations? Shouldn't they understand this?
Maybe it is because they think that we have another set of obligations to them which override our obligations from the roles we have. But if they expect all our pre-existing obligations be subordinate to our obligations to them, even when their obligations are trivial as compared to the importance of our pre-existing obligations, then maybe they should readjust their expectations. It is true that we may owe alot of obligations to them, but all obligations are relative to one another, and sometimes our obligations to them may be overridden by our general fraternal obligations. It is at these points in time that they need to understand and support us, not be disappointed to us.
Expectations...2
Humans have expectations. We have expectations from each other. Even if we wish to have no expectaions from each other, we are having an expectation of no expectation from that person.
We natually have higher expectations from some people over other people. And when these people do not meet our high expectations, we would feel hurt and depressed.
For example, at church, we may have expectations from our cell group to care and support us, but if they are not able to achieve that, we feel distanced from that due to the hurt that is built up from their inability to match our expectations.
On other occasions, we have really low expectations from some people. And when these people meet our low expectations, we would feel a sense of joy and closeness to that person.
For example, at work, we may have no expectations from our collegues to stay back at work at 9pm, when we have something urgent due ourselves. If by change, one of our collegue stays back, we would feel a sense of closest to that person, since his or her presence was out of our expectation.
But ironically, people who we have lower expectations of are not supposed to be close to us, and due to the misunderstanding of our relationships and the meeting of different expectations, we quickly increase our expectations from these people, which they may not be able to meet, resulting in us to think that all people around us are unable to meet our expectations.
We natually have higher expectations from some people over other people. And when these people do not meet our high expectations, we would feel hurt and depressed.
For example, at church, we may have expectations from our cell group to care and support us, but if they are not able to achieve that, we feel distanced from that due to the hurt that is built up from their inability to match our expectations.
On other occasions, we have really low expectations from some people. And when these people meet our low expectations, we would feel a sense of joy and closeness to that person.
For example, at work, we may have no expectations from our collegues to stay back at work at 9pm, when we have something urgent due ourselves. If by change, one of our collegue stays back, we would feel a sense of closest to that person, since his or her presence was out of our expectation.
But ironically, people who we have lower expectations of are not supposed to be close to us, and due to the misunderstanding of our relationships and the meeting of different expectations, we quickly increase our expectations from these people, which they may not be able to meet, resulting in us to think that all people around us are unable to meet our expectations.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Blind spots... 3
So if we realise that everyone has blind spots, should we be more accomdating of others, and more accepting of others? Sometimes, no matter how many times you tell a person of their blind spot, they will still not be able to register what you say to them, as in their mind, they will not be able to comprehend about the fact that they have a blind spot. How should we deal with it?
At first we may have compassion and may even emphasise with them. After all, we realise that all of us have blind spots. And as the problem continues, we begin to get frustrated at the person, and may even give up, as we think that person cannot be changed because their blindspot is too great for them to realise.
But maybe the person who should change is ourselves. Maybe we should just accept that everyone is weak, and that we must accept people as they are, with all their blindspots attached. We should learn to bear with them if we value their relationship with us. Afterall, maybe it is our own blindspot that is affecting the way we see them.
I know this is all fine in theory, but in practice, it is still difficult...
That is why I admire my God, who despite all our flaws and weakness, continues to hold out His arms for me, even though I continue to fall at the same spot so many times. He continues to take me back no matter how hard I fall, and how low I become. He continues to be there for me, no strings attached, and continues to see me as His child, even though I have long forgotten Him.
And in my view, we should learn to treat others and accept them in the same way!
At first we may have compassion and may even emphasise with them. After all, we realise that all of us have blind spots. And as the problem continues, we begin to get frustrated at the person, and may even give up, as we think that person cannot be changed because their blindspot is too great for them to realise.
But maybe the person who should change is ourselves. Maybe we should just accept that everyone is weak, and that we must accept people as they are, with all their blindspots attached. We should learn to bear with them if we value their relationship with us. Afterall, maybe it is our own blindspot that is affecting the way we see them.
I know this is all fine in theory, but in practice, it is still difficult...
That is why I admire my God, who despite all our flaws and weakness, continues to hold out His arms for me, even though I continue to fall at the same spot so many times. He continues to take me back no matter how hard I fall, and how low I become. He continues to be there for me, no strings attached, and continues to see me as His child, even though I have long forgotten Him.
And in my view, we should learn to treat others and accept them in the same way!
Blind spots...2
As we steer through life, we will encounter many people along the way. We will have opportunities to know people and to develop relationships with them. We may even know a person well enough to realise his or her blind spots. We may even inform them of this, but usually their reaction is of a defensive nature as they may not realise that this is the case. And in the same way, we become defensive when others tell us our blind spots, as we think that other people have misjudged us. But is this the case, are we so blind that we may not realise the truth is there right in front of us?
But maybe deep inside, we know all this. We realise there may be truth in what others are telling us. But we make excuses for ourselves. We justify ourselves in a number of ways. And all this justifications and excuses provide greater cover for our blind spots, and we continue to steer through life not watching out for our blind spots, until one day, we crash and burn...
And then, its already too late to change!
But maybe deep inside, we know all this. We realise there may be truth in what others are telling us. But we make excuses for ourselves. We justify ourselves in a number of ways. And all this justifications and excuses provide greater cover for our blind spots, and we continue to steer through life not watching out for our blind spots, until one day, we crash and burn...
And then, its already too late to change!
Friday, October 21, 2005
Blind spots
We were all taught by our driving instructors to look out for blind spots when we are changing lanes or making a turn.
In the same way, when we are steering through life, do we look out for our blind spots?
We can easily spot out other people's blind spots, but we tend to ignore our own blind spots. We express dislike at the weakness of others, but when will we realise that we have the same weaknesses as them? We become angry when someone hurts us, but do we realise that we constantly hurt others? When can we learn to accept others for the way they are?
Maybe the first step to accepting others is for us to accept ourselves. We need to know our true selfs, before we are able to accept ourselves.
The way we accept our true selfs is for us to realise that we have weakness and blindspots.
However, we seem to trivilise their blindspots, or we may not be able to spot out all of our major blindspots. We trick ourselves into thinking we have accepted ourselves but in reality we have not even realised our own personal major flaws.
The only way for us to recognise our true blindspots is for us to crash and burn while steering through life. It is only through traumatic experiences caused by our blindspots that we are able to have a glimpse of what our blindspots are.
In the same way, when we are steering through life, do we look out for our blind spots?
We can easily spot out other people's blind spots, but we tend to ignore our own blind spots. We express dislike at the weakness of others, but when will we realise that we have the same weaknesses as them? We become angry when someone hurts us, but do we realise that we constantly hurt others? When can we learn to accept others for the way they are?
Maybe the first step to accepting others is for us to accept ourselves. We need to know our true selfs, before we are able to accept ourselves.
The way we accept our true selfs is for us to realise that we have weakness and blindspots.
However, we seem to trivilise their blindspots, or we may not be able to spot out all of our major blindspots. We trick ourselves into thinking we have accepted ourselves but in reality we have not even realised our own personal major flaws.
The only way for us to recognise our true blindspots is for us to crash and burn while steering through life. It is only through traumatic experiences caused by our blindspots that we are able to have a glimpse of what our blindspots are.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Easy way out
Alot of people take the easy way out... maybe lack of patience is a by-product of our society today which focuses on instant gratification!
They take the easy way out when dealing with problems... they just avoid facing them.
They take the easy way out in doing things in their life... they just stay in their comfort zone.
They take the easy way out in everything they do... they do mundane tasks over and over again and never think into deeper thoughts of WHY or HOW. Or they think they do, but in reality they are only thinking of deep thoughts within their comfort zone and rarely venture out into anything out of their comfort zone.
But the irony is that there is no easy way out. When we try to take the easy way out, deep in our hearts, and deep in our minds, we know there is a possibility of another way, a way full of danger but also excitement, a way through of uncertainty but also adventure. We haven't lived until we stop taking the easy way out!
They take the easy way out when dealing with problems... they just avoid facing them.
They take the easy way out in doing things in their life... they just stay in their comfort zone.
They take the easy way out in everything they do... they do mundane tasks over and over again and never think into deeper thoughts of WHY or HOW. Or they think they do, but in reality they are only thinking of deep thoughts within their comfort zone and rarely venture out into anything out of their comfort zone.
But the irony is that there is no easy way out. When we try to take the easy way out, deep in our hearts, and deep in our minds, we know there is a possibility of another way, a way full of danger but also excitement, a way through of uncertainty but also adventure. We haven't lived until we stop taking the easy way out!
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