Feeling emo in relation to the current state of things...
relationship issues remain unresolved...
work not bringing about satisfaction....
not knowing where I am heading.....
Tried to find someone to talk to the other day...
sent texts to the few people who I can trust...
but noone is free to reply or spare an hour or two for me...
Christmas spent surrounded by family and friends...
but will they still be here in 20 years time...
will I be all alone, with noone to celebrate with...
Refocus.
Pray.
Try to not avoid it.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Festive Season
There are so many reasons for joy - the birth of our Saviour, the Christmas parties where we exchange gifts for one another, being involved as part of the initiative at work to donate food to the homeless....
But my mind is focused on just one issue... a choice I have to make, a choice which I may regret or be excited about...
Throughout my life, I have been at this stage many times. But each time is harder than the last. Maybe I carry too much burdens. Maybe I still don't know what to do.
I can continue to live my life, to be with people, and try not to address the issue. I can laugh with people to try to cover my sense of uneasiness. I can continue to type "lol" to people but not mean it. But when things quiet down, the issue is there again. It will be haunting me unless there is a resolution.
It's hard for others to help me. What do I expect them to do? Ultimately its up to me and what I feel is the right decision to make.
But my mind is focused on just one issue... a choice I have to make, a choice which I may regret or be excited about...
Throughout my life, I have been at this stage many times. But each time is harder than the last. Maybe I carry too much burdens. Maybe I still don't know what to do.
I can continue to live my life, to be with people, and try not to address the issue. I can laugh with people to try to cover my sense of uneasiness. I can continue to type "lol" to people but not mean it. But when things quiet down, the issue is there again. It will be haunting me unless there is a resolution.
It's hard for others to help me. What do I expect them to do? Ultimately its up to me and what I feel is the right decision to make.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Crying in the party
Work Christmas party.
Year after year its the same thing. Costumes. Dinner. Drinks. Dancing.
This year, a text message on my phone changed everything. Why did she send that message? What did I do to make her send it? I tried calling her, but her phone was off. All I could do was send her a reply asking her what was wrong.
My colleague next to me knew something was wrong, and asked if I was ok. Hell, no, but what could I say to him? I didn't even know what was wrong myself. All I said was that things were fine, but I wanted to leave the party. And I did leave the party early and the whole night I was thinking and dreaming of what could be the reason.
The next day I got another text message with certain accusations. Are women from Venus and men from Mars? I did not know how she came to those conclusions. I was upset and hurt by them. I couldn't be bothered ringing her back, and all I could do was send an email back to her explaining the situation. She sent me a text wanting to talk after that. But the fact that she sent the text message already affected me so much that I still cannot face her at this point in my life. Even though we were supposed to talk today, I couldn't bring myself to it. I just don't know what to do.
I am so confused right now that I don't know what I am saying and whether there were any truth in what she said.
The only thing I know is that this song continues to be in my head the past few days.
Year after year its the same thing. Costumes. Dinner. Drinks. Dancing.
This year, a text message on my phone changed everything. Why did she send that message? What did I do to make her send it? I tried calling her, but her phone was off. All I could do was send her a reply asking her what was wrong.
My colleague next to me knew something was wrong, and asked if I was ok. Hell, no, but what could I say to him? I didn't even know what was wrong myself. All I said was that things were fine, but I wanted to leave the party. And I did leave the party early and the whole night I was thinking and dreaming of what could be the reason.
The next day I got another text message with certain accusations. Are women from Venus and men from Mars? I did not know how she came to those conclusions. I was upset and hurt by them. I couldn't be bothered ringing her back, and all I could do was send an email back to her explaining the situation. She sent me a text wanting to talk after that. But the fact that she sent the text message already affected me so much that I still cannot face her at this point in my life. Even though we were supposed to talk today, I couldn't bring myself to it. I just don't know what to do.
I am so confused right now that I don't know what I am saying and whether there were any truth in what she said.
The only thing I know is that this song continues to be in my head the past few days.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Mess.....
Personal life in a mess...
Why am I such a noob? What's wrong with me? Why do I like to avoid questions and build all these walls around me so that I block out everyone? Maybe its past experience, maybe it is fear of failure, maybe its insecurity......
............
Why am I such a noob? What's wrong with me? Why do I like to avoid questions and build all these walls around me so that I block out everyone? Maybe its past experience, maybe it is fear of failure, maybe its insecurity......
............
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
