God has really looked after my family during the few months following the poor diagnosis of my father. A major operation was conducted on him and for the time being, my father is stable. He is going about his every day duties now, although he gets tired a bit more easily than before. God has been wonderful in caring for me and my family. The support I have received from my Christian brothers and sisters have been enormous. During the most troublesome time, I was able to take my mind off through some contract work. My parents have began attending church. I still don't know what the future holds but I will continue to trust in the Lord.
I pray to God that my parents will accept Him soon, as time is running out. My dad's heart is still have hardened, and enjoys arguing his points more than listening. May God soften his heart.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Awestruck grief
Words cannot describe the grief that I am going through now... with the knowledge of the possibility that my father's days may be numbered very soon. Further tests need to be done for confirmation, but my mind is full of anguish and sadness, as I do not know what I should be doing now. I feel so helpless. I do not want to eat, I do not want to do anything, I just do not know what I am supposed to do. I want him to know God, so maybe I should dispel all my energies onto that course, instead of worrying about what would happen in the future.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Its over... too
How can you end up a friendship just like that?
If this was going to happen, it should happen at the beginning of the year, after the chat we had with our mediator. After that, I did not contact you for two weeks, as I did not want you to continue to be misled. But you continue to contact me, and confide in me as a friend, and you knew that our relationship was only friends. I tried so hard to treat you in a way that ensured you understood that we were just friends for the past year, and I think I have achieved this.
A few months ago, you organised a dinner with me before Christmas. You said this was important and that we should have that dinner before Christmas.
And at the dinner you told me that we should just end our friendship as emotionally you are not able to cope. Then if that's the case, then why did you continue to act in the same way for the past few months, calling me at 3am in the morning to talk to me when you were upset, and asking me for advice in relation to your life decisions?
Isn't it a bit selfish of you to dictate the terms of our friendship?
And you asked me to tell you what I think you need to improve in terms of your personality. I mentioned things which I and others can see, such as your need to be willing to "walk" with your partner on a path together (and not let him do all the work while you sit back and complain that it is all too hard). I told you that you need to be more appreciative of others (and not just superficially, or talk about your discontentment of them behind their back). You seem to not be able to take these things, and justified that you would be doing these things. I did not say anything further as you were not able to cope.
I think these are your blind spots, and that you will continue to struggle in relationships if you do not deal with these issues.
Maybe it is better this way... I don't know... I respect you as a friend so that was why I allowed you to do whatever you want in this situation. But your actions in this confirmed my comments relating to how you deal with things, and that not everyone can cope with you.
If this was going to happen, it should happen at the beginning of the year, after the chat we had with our mediator. After that, I did not contact you for two weeks, as I did not want you to continue to be misled. But you continue to contact me, and confide in me as a friend, and you knew that our relationship was only friends. I tried so hard to treat you in a way that ensured you understood that we were just friends for the past year, and I think I have achieved this.
A few months ago, you organised a dinner with me before Christmas. You said this was important and that we should have that dinner before Christmas.
And at the dinner you told me that we should just end our friendship as emotionally you are not able to cope. Then if that's the case, then why did you continue to act in the same way for the past few months, calling me at 3am in the morning to talk to me when you were upset, and asking me for advice in relation to your life decisions?
Isn't it a bit selfish of you to dictate the terms of our friendship?
And you asked me to tell you what I think you need to improve in terms of your personality. I mentioned things which I and others can see, such as your need to be willing to "walk" with your partner on a path together (and not let him do all the work while you sit back and complain that it is all too hard). I told you that you need to be more appreciative of others (and not just superficially, or talk about your discontentment of them behind their back). You seem to not be able to take these things, and justified that you would be doing these things. I did not say anything further as you were not able to cope.
I think these are your blind spots, and that you will continue to struggle in relationships if you do not deal with these issues.
Maybe it is better this way... I don't know... I respect you as a friend so that was why I allowed you to do whatever you want in this situation. But your actions in this confirmed my comments relating to how you deal with things, and that not everyone can cope with you.
It's over
Due to the economic downturn, I was asked to leave my place of employment on the same day. When this happens, it puts so much things into perspective. All those hours at work, not eating on time, working late and mentoring others do not really amount to anything in the end if the times are bad. The identity that I have associated with my work was over in an instant.
To the firm, I was just another number, maybe a very expensive number, and when profits decline, I would need to go, so as to maintain their existing level of profit.
But what they do not realise is that all of us being made to leave have to deal with so much emotions, including our sense of loss of value or shame from their actions.
There is a sense of relief from all this - my growing frustrations with my boss and the management of the firm has now come to an end. I have so much free time for myself, that I can refocus on my physical and mental health and well being.
If I have made an impact on the lives of others at my workplace, through my work ethics and personality towards others, treating all staff with respect and acting in humility, then all is not lost. The compliments I have received from my colleagues have been positive and supportive.
The other thing which surprised me about this incident is the number of friends who came to me afterwards, telling me about their past experiences in being in the same situation (which they never told others about).
The real issue now is what I should be doing from now on. This is a question I have been avoiding which I will need to address in the new year.
To the firm, I was just another number, maybe a very expensive number, and when profits decline, I would need to go, so as to maintain their existing level of profit.
But what they do not realise is that all of us being made to leave have to deal with so much emotions, including our sense of loss of value or shame from their actions.
There is a sense of relief from all this - my growing frustrations with my boss and the management of the firm has now come to an end. I have so much free time for myself, that I can refocus on my physical and mental health and well being.
If I have made an impact on the lives of others at my workplace, through my work ethics and personality towards others, treating all staff with respect and acting in humility, then all is not lost. The compliments I have received from my colleagues have been positive and supportive.
The other thing which surprised me about this incident is the number of friends who came to me afterwards, telling me about their past experiences in being in the same situation (which they never told others about).
The real issue now is what I should be doing from now on. This is a question I have been avoiding which I will need to address in the new year.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Tension
Living constantly in a tension and struggle between independence and obedience. If things have worked out differently, I would be independent by now, with dependents. I would be able to manage. But since things did not work out that way, can't I be independent? Independence does not necessarily result in disobedience, but when cultural influences are at play, it is very hard for me and them. They don't understand my need to have my personal space. This struggle has caused many arguments and disagreements, and silence on this issue doesn't mean I am not thinking about it. This is so hard to fathom.
Monday, November 03, 2008
Hardship
It is a privilege to serve God, but when I have been placed in a certain position, it is very hard to do so. People around me do not appreciate how much things I have on, and with the commencement of my new role at church, I had to prioritise my ministry with the result of refusing to serve in some areas. As a result, other people get upset at me. Why? Don't they understand the struggles I am facing in terms of my time allocation? I have so much things to do for church, and I still have to work and run my own life. Can't they just show some sense of empathy?
It is also frustrating at times, as there are so much things I know but I can't share with anyone else, either because it will adversely affect others, or because I am trying to protect my people from harsh critiscims. This is a side of minsitry which people do not understand. I have personally seen how some leaders who are big mouths tell people everything, with the result of stumbling other people, and I do not want to be like them. So I carry alot of these burdens within me, without being able to release them.
At times, it seems like I am running this race alone, but I know God is always there beside me. I will focus on the eternal glory of being with God and continue on. I pray that God will give me strength, and that I can become a stronger person through all these things.
It is also frustrating at times, as there are so much things I know but I can't share with anyone else, either because it will adversely affect others, or because I am trying to protect my people from harsh critiscims. This is a side of minsitry which people do not understand. I have personally seen how some leaders who are big mouths tell people everything, with the result of stumbling other people, and I do not want to be like them. So I carry alot of these burdens within me, without being able to release them.
At times, it seems like I am running this race alone, but I know God is always there beside me. I will focus on the eternal glory of being with God and continue on. I pray that God will give me strength, and that I can become a stronger person through all these things.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Uncertainty
My bad boss tried to introduce me to a nice Christian "girl" the other day at lunch.
I enjoyed our conversation, which was mainly focused on religious issues. She was sharing her burden for her unbelieving family, her decision to take one year out of work to do bible college and her views on various Christianity issues. But she was old, at least two or more years older than me.
Maybe my uncertainty in relationships is my desire to have in a partner the spiritual maturity of an older person without the age associated with that maturity. Maybe that is why it has been so difficult to find someone until this point in time.
The road ahead will be harder and harder if I cannot reach a compromise in relation to these features. Before long, I will be an old man, always alone, always grumbling, always by myself.
I enjoyed our conversation, which was mainly focused on religious issues. She was sharing her burden for her unbelieving family, her decision to take one year out of work to do bible college and her views on various Christianity issues. But she was old, at least two or more years older than me.
Maybe my uncertainty in relationships is my desire to have in a partner the spiritual maturity of an older person without the age associated with that maturity. Maybe that is why it has been so difficult to find someone until this point in time.
The road ahead will be harder and harder if I cannot reach a compromise in relation to these features. Before long, I will be an old man, always alone, always grumbling, always by myself.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
World Youth Day 2008
Even though there are inherent differences between Christians and Catholics, there are many similarities between the two religions. We all believe in God, the Trinity - the Father, being the creator of heaven and earth; the Son, being our Lord and Saviour and the Holy Spirit, our comforter. It is because of these similarities that we should all support World Youth Day to the extent we can.
This event brings religion to the forefront again, and we should cherish this opportunity to discuss such issues with the people around us, as the awkwardness is minimised due to this current event. We can explain our faith to others, and telling them about why we believe in Christ, and why we believe in the Holy Word of God alone.
We should learn from the devotional nature of the pilgrims, who traveled far and wide to this place, where they can worship the Lord together. We, on the other hand, struggle just to get out of bed and be at church on time.
We should make use of this time, as this type of event may not occur again anytime soon in our home town.
This event brings religion to the forefront again, and we should cherish this opportunity to discuss such issues with the people around us, as the awkwardness is minimised due to this current event. We can explain our faith to others, and telling them about why we believe in Christ, and why we believe in the Holy Word of God alone.
We should learn from the devotional nature of the pilgrims, who traveled far and wide to this place, where they can worship the Lord together. We, on the other hand, struggle just to get out of bed and be at church on time.
We should make use of this time, as this type of event may not occur again anytime soon in our home town.
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