Tension

Living constantly in a tension and struggle between independence and obedience. If things have worked out differently, I would be independent by now, with dependents. I would be able to manage. But since things did not work out that way, can't I be independent? Independence does not necessarily result in disobedience, but when cultural influences are at play, it is very hard for me and them. They don't understand my need to have my personal space. This struggle has caused many arguments and disagreements, and silence on this issue doesn't mean I am not thinking about it. This is so hard to fathom.

Hardship

It is a privilege to serve God, but when I have been placed in a certain position, it is very hard to do so. People around me do not appreciate how much things I have on, and with the commencement of my new role at church, I had to prioritise my ministry with the result of refusing to serve in some areas. As a result, other people get upset at me. Why? Don't they understand the struggles I am facing in terms of my time allocation? I have so much things to do for church, and I still have to work and run my own life. Can't they just show some sense of empathy?

It is also frustrating at times, as there are so much things I know but I can't share with anyone else, either because it will adversely affect others, or because I am trying to protect my people from harsh critiscims. This is a side of minsitry which people do not understand. I have personally seen how some leaders who are big mouths tell people everything, with the result of stumbling other people, and I do not want to be like them. So I carry alot of these burdens within me, without being able to release them.

At times, it seems like I am running this race alone, but I know God is always there beside me. I will focus on the eternal glory of being with God and continue on. I pray that God will give me strength, and that I can become a stronger person through all these things.

Uncertainty

My bad boss tried to introduce me to a nice Christian "girl" the other day at lunch.

I enjoyed our conversation, which was mainly focused on religious issues. She was sharing her burden for her unbelieving family, her decision to take one year out of work to do bible college and her views on various Christianity issues. But she was old, at least two or more years older than me.

Maybe my uncertainty in relationships is my desire to have in a partner the spiritual maturity of an older person without the age associated with that maturity. Maybe that is why it has been so difficult to find someone until this point in time.

The road ahead will be harder and harder if I cannot reach a compromise in relation to these features. Before long, I will be an old man, always alone, always grumbling, always by myself.

World Youth Day 2008

Even though there are inherent differences between Christians and Catholics, there are many similarities between the two religions. We all believe in God, the Trinity - the Father, being the creator of heaven and earth; the Son, being our Lord and Saviour and the Holy Spirit, our comforter. It is because of these similarities that we should all support World Youth Day to the extent we can.

This event brings religion to the forefront again, and we should cherish this opportunity to discuss such issues with the people around us, as the awkwardness is minimised due to this current event. We can explain our faith to others, and telling them about why we believe in Christ, and why we believe in the Holy Word of God alone.

We should learn from the devotional nature of the pilgrims, who traveled far and wide to this place, where they can worship the Lord together. We, on the other hand, struggle just to get out of bed and be at church on time.

We should make use of this time, as this type of event may not occur again anytime soon in our home town.

Hair cuts

Well, alot of people wonder why I bother getting hair cuts since my hair is thinning and I do not have much hair left.

Well at this point in time, I still have hair growing around the side of my head, and they grow long, so I need to keep it short.

I used to get cheap haircuts, and at one stage even contemplated asking my friend to cut for me, as I know I don't have that much hair. But recently I have been going to exclusive salons to get my hair cut.

My thinking is that I may not have that much hair left in the future to go to a salon, so while I still can, I should enjoy myself.

An exclusive salon brings me relaxation with the music and the environment. The head massage given during the hair wash is fantastic. The friendliness and the service all contributes to a worthwhile experience.

And best of all, even though my hair cut is short, they spend over an hour cutting it, strand by strand with scissors, instead of using a clipper in cheap places. This makes me feel special and cherished as a customer, even though I do not have much hair.

I asked the stylist once why it takes so long for cutting such short hair, and they told me that shorter hairs require greater time to cut than longer hairs as it is important to cut in adjustment to the shape of the head (while the head of people with longer hairs are covered by the hairs). Last time, my hair cut took longer than a female friend's haircut (who had long hair).

Costume party

A tip for people who are going to a costume party - dress as something that people know and can associate with, and then you will be the most popular person in the party.

I went to a cosplay party last weekend. People were dressing up as fancy game characters - Cloud from Final Fantasy, Chun Li from Street Fighter and all weird and wonderful anime characters. They purchased their costumes online, bought their swords and stuff and spent a fortune dressing up.

I went as Mario from Super Mario Bros. I bought the pants, but the rest of the items, I either had them or easily made them.

And the result? All the girls knew who I was, and wanted to take pictures with me. The other guys who dressed as fancy characters were often met with puzzled look from the girls as they do not know who they are. Most girls are not really into computer games.

It was a great night.

Pay rise

It is that time of the year again, when we all await for the big envelope, with the amount of remuneration that we will be getting in the new year.

The amount to me is inconsequential, but it is a gesture of how the firm views you. They can tell you that they treasure you, but if the increase is little, then you know what they think of you.

This year, the increase was not as great as previous years. To some extent, I am disappointed. The fact that they did not round up the figure impacted me as I felt I was not appreciated. What made me more upset was the fact that the evil boss told me how much the team needed me and how much I have contributed and that I got what I asked for. This figure was not what I asked for at all.

I know the economy has been bad, and that have impacted on the work in our group, and maybe that is why our increases are not as great. But tell me straight and do not make lies to me about how great the increase was, because it was not.

As I said before, the amount is not important to me, but the level of increase is symbolic of how much I am being appreciated. If I am not appreciated, why am I still here? I would rather be at a job I enjoy and feel appreciated and earn half of my pay than staying here. The only reason I am still here is that I feel everywhere is the same, and since I am accustomed to this place and have a kind of say in what I do, I am staying put. Maybe I won't anymore and will go and try something different.

Say it to me?

If people have an issue with me, then talk to me and say it to my face. Why do they like talking to others about me? If they don't see any good in me, then stop hanging around me. Why do they pass judgment on me without confronting me? Do they think that I will not find out?

So I do one thing, and they spread false rumours. So I try to do the right thing to stop the rumours, and they say something else about my personality and integrity. It is none of their business as it never concerned them in the first place.

If they are just people who are into gossips, then I am fine with it. But when they are the people around you, I get frustrated. Why don't they just come and talk to me instead of passing their judgement on me to others? If they think I am such a bad person, then don't talk to me or pretend to be my friend. Be true to themselves. Either say it to me or don't talk to me.

True Emo

I met up with a friend tonight I have not seen for years.

To my surprise, she told me that she has a form of mental illness (which I will not disclose here).

She then explained to me how the illness has affected her, especially to the point that she is no longer able to control emotions, and she has attempted to commit suicide a few times already. Hearing her talk about her struggles, I felt really helpless and didn't know what I could do to help her. But the only thing I could do was to sit there and listen to her.

She then told me how this illness is affecting her everyday life and her relationship with others. But she is not able to disclose this to others, and she regretted telling some people already as they were not able to understand her situation, and made fun of her.

Listening to her made me realise that we really need be understanding to our friends. Who knows how many of my friends are in such situation, and I may be upset with them when their behaviour is strange without realising that they may have a valid reason behind their actions.

I have met such people before, especially with my probono work with the homeless, but when it is your friend who has the illness, its a whole different situation.

At least she is relying on God to help her through this. I pray for her recovery and ability to cope and live with this illness.

Resolution?

Maybe finally there is some sort of resolution.

After a few weeks of not talking, we finally had a chat about ministry issues. It was kept at a very high level. And then we discussed about certain rumours about us, and it was implied that this needs to be sorted as there is no way they will eventuate. In effect, she said that to me, to which I agreed. And we agreed that we will no longer be able to share personal views and thoughts, so as to keep a clear division in our relationship and not cross the boundaries between friends and lovers.

This, in a way, is good but it feels like losing a friend and someone that I can share things with.

In relation to the other person, she has decided to try another place and her reasons are solid. Even though she said this has got nothing to do with me, I am sure I may be the catalyst or one of the reasons why she is doing so. To this, I am guilty.

It feels like I am losing two people from my life at the same time.

However, I am really grateful for the care and concern shown by certain people, and it was the right timing for me to receive a pack of cards today titled "52 Ways to Mend a Broken Heart". Thanks, guys.

Mother's Day

This Mother's Day my mother and father went to a church, after a request from a family friend. I accompanied them. I was happy that they were able to go, at least it was a start for them to approach this religion.

However, I did not like the church that much. The sermon was not aimed for new comers and the preacher took things out of context. There was no gospel content even though it was supposed to be evangelistic. The pastor did not make any attempt to welcome us (although he may have to go to another service to preach). One thing which that church has is the people - friendly people who talked to us.

I was embarrassed that day as well by my family friend, who tried too hard to introduce girls to me. She asked me to give them my business card, but when I said I don't have any on me, my mom gave them my card from her purse. I was forced to sit next to one of them at the event afterwards. This was so embarrassing.

Joy in light of darkness

In light of these issues, my parents have accepted an invitation from a family friend to attend her church on Mothers Day for a special event. They accepted on the proviso that I am going with them, and they thought I would not be able to go. So guess what? I told them I am able to go. Now they have to go. I really hope they will form a good impression and maybe will attend other church functions in the future so they are able to know God and accept Him.

Need to pray, pray, pray.

Office analogy

Its been a week and nothing has progressed. It is hard not to speak to a person for a week. I missed talking to her. But I don't know if I miss her as a person or not.

I need to talk to her, but in my mind, I am still not clear what I want to do. That is why I have not confronted the issue sooner.

I know if I do not choose to be with her, the friendship will disappear.

This time I feel alone in facing this issue. It seems like noone is able to help me or they are disinterested. Maybe some people think I read too much into things, or they are annoyed and upset at me for being like this, time after time. Others may think its goof gossip material and continue to spread this to other people. I recognise that this is an area of my life which I am weak.

I was talking about this to a brother tonight who I have not seen for a while and he made some good observations about me. Here is an office analogy he used.

I am a person who likes to take several files but never open them. I give the impression that I will open them, but they always remain closed. Maybe I am too afraid of committing to one file if I open one file, so am content in the thought of owning a closed file.

I used a similar analogy about him.

He is a person who has opened a file and committed to it. But unfortunately, the file was from a prohibited area, which should not have been opened until it has been transferred to the normal area. However, at least he is trying to transfer the open file now.

We then thought of an analogy about our mutual friend.

He is a person who opens a file, then opens another one, then another one. After a few is opened, he will shut the others. But before long, new files will be opened.

He analysed other things as well and I really appreciate the conversation. Either way, I have to make a decision and resolve the issue. He is keeping me accountable and we set a date of 6 June, by which I need to have resolved all issues.

I need to pray. Really pray.

Light relief

This is a imaginary conversation using recent song titles that me and another colleague typed up using work messenger to secretly describe a secret affair we think is happening at work.

Note: Lyrics or Song titles are marked by " "

A: "I feel so untouched right now..."
A: "Touch my body"
B: "You want a piece of me?"
A: Yea
B: OK. "4 Minutes"
[After 4 minutes]
A: "Don't stop the music"
A: "Gimme gimme more, gimme more, gimme gimme more"
B: No. I'm "Lovestoned".
B: "I keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love".
A: Can I have a "picture of you"?
B: Here. "Don't hold back".
B: "Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it....".

Interpret this any way you wish. =)

Can anyone recognise all the songs there? List them all out with the song title and artist if you can.

Lost...

I have just realised I don't know what love is. What does it mean to love someone? How come people draw conclusions and force me to make decisions all the time. Can't a guy and a girl be close and yet not be in a relationship? What is wrong for me to drive her car, or talking to her on the phone each day? I care for her, but I have not thought of her in that way. Am I selfish? Am I enjoying the fruits of being in a relationship without the commitment of giving a status to the other person? Am I too afraid to take risks, and therefore not being to enjoy the full benefits? Am I being unfair to her? Why are things so hard and complicated? So am I going to lose a friend or a lover?

Noone can help me. Maybe I am not ready to be in a relationship. But I am not getting any younger. I may end up alone, rejected, despised and unwanted. Maybe I should just get lost and disappear off the face of this earth.....................................

Bond. JC Bond

It was so great to once again be involved in camp this year.

I remembered that at the very beginning, no deacon was willing to take up the camp. After much deliberation, I took it up (even though I was extremely busy), and then we had trouble finding a chairperson for the camp. It was so great to see God's provision at work, with the formation of the committee, and through the organisational process. Even though we seem disorganised at times, it was a great opportunity for alot of the younger brothers and sisters to be involved and to understand how much work goes in to organising such a camp.

I really treasured the time I have at camp this year. After a recent issue at church, our church seems to be divided again, and it was timely that our camp theme this year centred around the concept of bonding and unity. I had a time of prayer with a fellow deacon in which we prayed for the unity of the church. I had a talk with a fellow brother and it was one of the deepest conversations we had in years. Sitting around a campfire singing songs of praise to the Lord was also very encouraging.

Staying with the younger people, and getting to know them, made me realise how "old" I am. One incident I recalled was putting out the camp fire, as some of the junior high people were playing with the fire in a way which may cause danger to themselves or others (by swinging a lighted branch in the air, there may be a chance of amber falling unto them and hurting them in the process). Afterwards, a university guy told me that I should not have put out the campfire as it would have given some of the guys somewhere to go later in the night to chat. I told him my concerns about the young kids to which he responded that the risk is low. I then explained that I had to do it for caution and I have a responsibility that he was too young to understand. His response was "You are too old to have fun". It was interesting to see the different perspective at play. I guess that as we get older, we cannot be as "carefree" as we were when we were young, and young people may not be as sensitive to dangers and risks as we are.

My personal relationship issues were bothering me as well during the camp. Comments from people actually made me think about alot of things. Am I becoming a person I loathe, whose actions mislead others? Do I have too high expectations? This is the weakest area of my life and I have always not been able to handle this area as well as other areas.

As I shared at the sharing in the camp, I really hope that the camp can be a beginning for our church to experience unity and bonding, and that we will be able to apply this in our church to overcome any issues we may have.

Trip 2008 (11)

Finally back in Australia.

The final night in Hong Kong was a challenging night in terms of thoughts of my life. Through dinner and drinks with some old friends, I was confronted with the issue of moving back to Hong Kong.

I know I would earn much more money, and I would have lots of friends there. The major reason why my friends want me to move back is the greater availability of single girls in Hong Kong. They are of the view that I may remain single in Australia, while the rest of them in Hong Kong will be married and having kids.

But one thing which I find lacking in Hong Kong is the lack of opportunities for me to serve God. I will so busy with my work that I will not have time to do this. I would not be able to serve God, let alone further my knowledge in him. The lack of pro bono work in Hong Kong would also be a major factor.

It is true that there are alot more girls in Hong Kong, but I find most Hong Kong girls too materialistic for my liking. The girls I have met in Hong Kong which were introduced to me by my friends were all materialistic, and the only ones which do not display such traits are the ones who have just gone back to Hong Kong to work. It seems like the whole environment of Hong Kong changes the character of people.

So here, i end my thoughts on the trip. Overall it has been a great experience, and I get to learn more about myself. I realise that I may not be as patient as I think and I can be quite independent. I enjoy the freedom and the feeling of being carefree so maybe this kind of attitude is affecting my relationship status. Until next time....

Trip 2008 (10)

Tonight is the second last night I am in Hong Kong. This is the second time this week I came home at 3am in the morning, after visiting a bar opened by a friend named Backstage. Tonight, the new group, Vega, was performing there. They specialise in Classical Pop, but their combination of classical sounds and pop music was not really effective in my opinion. However, their own renditions of other songs were quite good. I guess I would not be rushing to HMV to get their CD tomorrow.

Had dinner with some old church friends tonight prior to going to Backstage. I am so happy for two couples who will be expecting babies soon. This is again a reminder to me that everyone else has moved on in life, and it seems like that I am still in the same life stageg as I was ten years ago.

I also had another trim of my hair today, to make it short, so that I can be all refreshed when I am back in Australia. So great for the hairdresser to give me a discount again.

So tired now... so I will post some more deeper thoughts tomorrow or when I return to Australia.

Trip 2008 (9)

I spent the past few days meeting up with friends and going to Macau.

I am continually amazed at the development of Macau. We stayed at MGM, one of the new casino hotel. The room was magnificent and the venue was very classy and nice. We also visited the Venetian, which looked great from the distance, with its imitation Venice canals, but on closer inspection, everything looked so "plastic".

I actually planned to play blackjack just for fun when I was there, but as soon as I got there, and watching other people play, I had no urge to play anymore. Maybe I think there is no real entertainment value from gambling, and that the return from such activities is not great enough for me to risk my money.

Last night, I went to drinks with three of my old law school friends. We talked about how the four of us were drinking at the place of one of them 8 years ago, and that one of my friend and me locked ourselves in separate rooms, as we couldn't drink anymore. That was also the year I came back to Hong Kong for a holiday. Time passes so quickly. But here we were again, drinking again, and chatting about old times.

Today, I visited my friend and her baby. It seems like only yesterday that we were at university today, and I could still recall driving her to university as if it happened yesterday. And now she is married and is a mother already, taking care of her own child.

So these few days is like a visit down memory lane.

Trip 2008 (8)

My last day in Tokyo was spent at the John Lennon Musuem. Looking through his life and the way he advocated for peace brings tears to my eyes as I walked into the "Imagine" room where they were showing footages of him making that song. It was one of the most moving museum I have seen. If only our world is a better place now, but the message of peace and love is still a foreign concept to the lives of many.

At night, I went to Ginza and walked around. Our final meal in Tokyo was at the Kirin Cafe in Ginza, where we drank different types of Kirin beer and had a filling Western meal.

It seems that I have been in Japan for longer than these 10-12 days as I felt that I have mastered their complicated transport system. It has been a ritual for me to go to the convenient store in the morning and at night to buy my breakfast and get bottled water for the night. Maybe I have also acquired their style of dress - the last night, I was asked by a Japanese person off the street in Japanese how to get to a specific place. When I talked to them in English, they looked shocked. So the fact that I have been able to submerge with the locals is an achievement in itself.

I have also learnt about my personality which I may write in my next blog.

Now back to Hong Kong for a few more days....