Friday, February 29, 2008

Baby

As I walked into the hospital in the rain, I realised how fast time flies. My little sister has given birth to a baby boy, and I felt the significance of the moment, as I was walking in to visit them. I just can't fathom that she is now a mother of someone else and the days of our childhood still seem not so long ago.

It was a joy to see the tiny baby and to feel its soft skin. And I can't believe that I am an uncle now.

Time never stops for anyone. The new replaces the old and the new will become the old.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Hows your family?


I'm getting to an age where it is embarrassing to answer this question.

I used to answer this question in relation to my family as in my father and mother.

But as you get older, when people ask you about your family, they mean your wife and kids.

And when you are still single, it is hard to answer such questions and provide explanations.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Senior Associate Conference


It was a much better conference than I expected, and the ability for all senior associates across all Australian offices to meet together face to face is a great opportunity indeed.

The activities involved us walking on tight ropes, 10 metres above ground level. The process of climbing up the telegraph pole was scary enough and then walking on the ropes is even more of a challenge. I did the leap of faith, where I had to climb up the pole and then up out to grab a bar. It was horrifying leaving the platform and jumping out, and it was more of a shock when I missed the bar. Luckily, there was a harness to protect me.

For free time, I chose to do a tour of the artists' studios. Seeing them work, and hearing them explain their art and passion, makes me want to become one of them. I was able to drown myself and lose myself in their paintings. I was touched by the explanation given by Ruth le Cheminant behind her paintings. I was impressed by the use of light in the landscape paintings of Warwick Fuller and the impressionist illusions in the paintings of Herman Pekel. I laughed at the humour in the paintings of David Beschi.

As for the rest of the conference, the seminars and workshops seem like brain washing sessions. They assumed everyone wanted to be a partner of the firm, without addressing the true needs of the participants as to how the firm may assist those who do not want to be partners. The truth is that in this age and time, people come and go so quickly and they have done nothing to address that. These kinds of issues were touched upon in the last seminar on the last day, but by then, most people have left or are too tired to care.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Anti-Valentines Day

For many years now, this day is a day of dread, as every year I would see couples on the streets with flowers and chocolates and I would be all alone, feeling sad and wondering when this loneliness would end.

This year, I spent the day with a bunch of other single people at an anti-valentines day party at a bar. It was cool, meeting with a lot of different people, and not feeling alone on such a date.

But this may just be a way of escaping from reality, a glim and cold reality. If you asked me in November 2007 what I expected would happen on 14 February 2008, I would not have imagined I would be at this state again. Maybe it is my choice again, but it is hard not to think about "what if".

The fear is that I will continue to experience this state for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Edison Chen

The great controversy surrounding the leaking of photos depicting Edison Chen having sex with various Hong Kong female stars is hitting the front pages of tabloids all over Hong Kong, day after day. Most people blamed Edison for the leakage of the photos and others are disgusted by the immorality shown in the photos. Most people felt that Edison should be responsible and should say something about the incident, but at the same time, they felt sorry for the female stars being caught up in the controversy.

I am not going to comment on the morality of the images depicted in the photos. This should not be the issue we should be concentrating on. The issue is the leakage of the photos on the internet and whether it is justified that Edison takes the blame.

Edison's contribution to the leakage is taking his computer for repairs. I do not think he is aware of such images in his computer and he would certainly not expect repairers to access his personal files in the computer.

And the reason why it is such a big issue at this point in time is the public reaction, and it is the public who demand those photos. We are feeding into this whole issue. We want to see more photos. We buy the newspapers and magazines selling this story. We search the net for the photos to satisfy our curiosity. We are fueling this whole controversy by our actions. We are as much to blame as anyone else.

One thing most people doesn't realise is the fact that Edison is also a victim in this. He did not want this to happen, just like the female stars. Sure, he was the one who took these photos, but these were meant for his private pleasure and was not meant for the world to see. Whether you think he is perverted or not based on the photos is not relevant, as these photos were only meant for himself. Noone realises that Edison is hurting as much as the female stars. He would be feeling that he betrayed the trust of the other people in the photos. His career is also affected by this whole incident. His life may also be in jeopardy, due to the connection of some of the female stars involved. So the fact he stayed silent and staying put in the US is a wise choice at this point in time. What did the media expected him to say? If he apologised, he would be regarded as being insincere and fake (see reaction after his video). If he kept silent, he would be regarded as not being a man and taking up the blame. He is in a lose-lose situation.

I really hope that he and the female stars involved will hang on and be strong, and hopefully with the support of their family and friends they will overcome this.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Double standards

I really dislike people who have double standards.

They can use cruel and mean words towards others (even though deep inside they do not mean it) but when others do it back to them, they get upset.

And when others try to reason with them in relation to the cruel and mean words they used in the first place, they will defend themselves by saying that they did not mean it. But how something means to a person is up to the person listening. One needs to convey the right meaning using the right tone and choice of words. They need to be responsible for what they say, and not try to find ways around it.

And what they don't understand is that they can be manipulative with things they do. They can be a stirrer and they do not know it. Then after they stir up things, they accuse people of being fake, but it is themselves who cause this to happen.

Try talking to them, and getting them back, and it wont work, as you will upset them either way. And the only thing they will do is just to hit you back physically. So sad.

Write offs

It's hard to avoid trouble when trouble comes to find you.

I have tried to keep a low profile at work, doing my work, not engaging in any mind games with the evil boss. There is not much work flow from him in the past few months, and I have been doing work for other people, which has been good.

However, trouble seems to come and find me even when I try to avoid it. There has been an issue with the disconnect between the fees I earn for my firm and the number of billable hours I work. And that comes down to one issue - write offs! Upon further investigation, I realised that the evil boss has been "writing off" my time on files. He usually quotes low to get the work in, and keeps to the quote during billing at the expense of people working for him. I am sure it is not an issue with me in spending too much time, as none of the other people I work for write off my time to the extent he does.

Anyway, this may turn out to be an issue which needs to be addressed to management, and when the time comes, I will need to defend myself. I have gathered all the evidence of writeoffs already, but I do not want to result in a war of words between me and him. It is so hard to be a witness at work.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

What do we want?

Sometimes we think we know what we want. We may dream about wanting a certain thing, and convince ourselves that the thing we want is the best thing for us. We may try to achieve this, and our past efforts and hard work further convinces us that we should get this thing.

And once we achieve it, how do we feel? We may be happy at first, but this joy quickly disappears, when we discover that what we have obtained may not be suitable for us. Of course, from a distance, such things are nice and perfect, but when they are up close and personal, they are not that much different from other things. Then we start to question whether we actually know what we want, and we begin to wonder maybe the best thing is something that we have all along, something that we are comfortable with, something that we loathe but yet have accepted.

And we continue to live, to dream new dreams, to make modifications and adjustments to our dreams, until one day our true dream is realised or until we depart without the chance to realise our dreams.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

New and Old

Its the new year.

What is new?

1. Work offices have moved to a new building, but ironically, its the same building that I was working in when I first started work in another company as a graduate. Office fitouts are modern and slick, but rooms are divided by glass panels, which make us look like we are all in fishbowls.

2. Met a new group of people on NYE, formed from friends inviting friends inviting friends to see fireworks. Been hanging out with them a few times this year. Nothing special, just something different.

What is old?

1. Work. When to stop? Where to go?

2. Relationship. Unresolved issues, still trying to escape.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Emo

Feeling emo in relation to the current state of things...
relationship issues remain unresolved...
work not bringing about satisfaction....
not knowing where I am heading.....

Tried to find someone to talk to the other day...
sent texts to the few people who I can trust...
but noone is free to reply or spare an hour or two for me...

Christmas spent surrounded by family and friends...
but will they still be here in 20 years time...
will I be all alone, with noone to celebrate with...

Refocus.
Pray.
Try to not avoid it.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Festive Season

There are so many reasons for joy - the birth of our Saviour, the Christmas parties where we exchange gifts for one another, being involved as part of the initiative at work to donate food to the homeless....

But my mind is focused on just one issue... a choice I have to make, a choice which I may regret or be excited about...

Throughout my life, I have been at this stage many times. But each time is harder than the last. Maybe I carry too much burdens. Maybe I still don't know what to do.

I can continue to live my life, to be with people, and try not to address the issue. I can laugh with people to try to cover my sense of uneasiness. I can continue to type "lol" to people but not mean it. But when things quiet down, the issue is there again. It will be haunting me unless there is a resolution.

It's hard for others to help me. What do I expect them to do? Ultimately its up to me and what I feel is the right decision to make.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Crying in the party

Work Christmas party.

Year after year its the same thing. Costumes. Dinner. Drinks. Dancing.

This year, a text message on my phone changed everything. Why did she send that message? What did I do to make her send it? I tried calling her, but her phone was off. All I could do was send her a reply asking her what was wrong.

My colleague next to me knew something was wrong, and asked if I was ok. Hell, no, but what could I say to him? I didn't even know what was wrong myself. All I said was that things were fine, but I wanted to leave the party. And I did leave the party early and the whole night I was thinking and dreaming of what could be the reason.

The next day I got another text message with certain accusations. Are women from Venus and men from Mars? I did not know how she came to those conclusions. I was upset and hurt by them. I couldn't be bothered ringing her back, and all I could do was send an email back to her explaining the situation. She sent me a text wanting to talk after that. But the fact that she sent the text message already affected me so much that I still cannot face her at this point in my life. Even though we were supposed to talk today, I couldn't bring myself to it. I just don't know what to do.

I am so confused right now that I don't know what I am saying and whether there were any truth in what she said.

The only thing I know is that this song continues to be in my head the past few days.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Mess.....

Personal life in a mess...

Why am I such a noob? What's wrong with me? Why do I like to avoid questions and build all these walls around me so that I block out everyone? Maybe its past experience, maybe it is fear of failure, maybe its insecurity......

............

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Types

When we reach a certain age, we will be used to either being alone, or the fact that we have a partner.

A person who is used to having a partner most of their lives will feel so empty after losing that partner. They will then find themselves with so many free time and they would not know how to use such time. They may try to hang out with their friends, but since they have a partner for most of their lives, they may already have neglected their friends, and such friends may not be able to give time to them. They will be reminded that they will need to find another partner as soon as possible, and as a consequence, they will actively find another partner.

A person who is used to being single will be used to being alone and independent. That person will try to fill up their lives with so many activities and friends so that they won't feel lonely. If a partner comes into that person's life, that person will need time to adjust and may find it difficult to fit the partner into their busy schedules.

These two types of people will not understand each other. The person used to being alone thinks that the person used to having a partner falls too easily in love with others. The person used to having a partner thinks that the person used to being alone takes so long to act which may result in plenty of lost opportunities.

So the singles continue to be singles, and the couples continue to be couples.

Maybe it is a choice between independence and love or a choice between loneliness and business, depending on one's perspective.

If we are in the transitional stage from one to another, maybe all we can do is learn by experience. But its hard. And no-one seems to understand the dilemma until they are the same type of person as you and have experienced the transition stage.

Miss Saigon

Ten years have passed since I watched this musical last time.

This time round, I was able to appreciate more of the more subtle messages from the story.

I remembered when I watched the musical ten years ago, I could not reason why the love existed. I also did not understand the reason why she took her own life in the end.

This time when I watched it, I am able to comprehend. In a war, they were each other's only source of escape and provided a breath of fresh air in each other's life. However, once the soilder returns back to their country, they will be back to their familiar surroundings, and that kind of love would soon be forgotten. Apparently, such stories were common during the Vietnam war, and there may still be women waiting for their soldiers to return today.

Taking her own life in the end was an act of love for her son. Her sacrifice was the only way to guarantee her son's passage to the US.

Watching this musical reminds me how great we are to live in this society, being free from war and having so much opportunities. We should be appreciative of the many soldiers who have risked their lives to ensure that we continue to enjoy this peace and freedom. However, the musical also reminds us that the cost of wars may be greater than the benefit it brings, and wars may be seen as a futile attempt by man to take control of something which he has no control over.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Homeless people

Providing pro bono legal advice for homeless people has been rewarding. The work may be tedious. The clients may have mental issues and stink of urine. But for once, I feel like I am doing something that is actually helping people who are genuinely in need.

We take for granted the liberties we have in our lives. But for a homeless person, they are sometimes being exploited or stripped of their basic rights. It is amazing how discriminatory people are in treating others.

Seeing these people in the state they are in saddens my heart. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could evangelise to them as well?

I felt a bit guilty getting there and leaving there by cab, while seeing people struggle on the streets. However, I am sure they do not see it that way.

Even though it was only half a day, I have gained so much more insight in that time than weeks of working on big transactions. I spent the rest of the day in the office doing some follow up work for these homeless people, ignoring my real work for corporate clients.

I am looking forward to the next time I go there. It has given me a new perspective on life.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Carpe Aeternitatem

Carpe Aeternitatem. Latin phrase. Translated to mean "Seize eternity".

What are we doing with our lives? Everything we do in our lives seems to be centered upon the present. What are we doing for eternity?

Maybe we should be continually reminded that this life is limited. Life passes away in a flash of an eye. Events from ten years ago only seem like last week. How many ten years do we have in our lives?

We spend our time deciding our work. We buy into the concept that our 'career' gives us value and satisfaction. We spend more and more time trying to advance our career, thinking that this would give us value. And in the end, we get more dissatisfied, because our value cannot be defined by this life, but by eternity. The whole concept of a career centers upon this life. Maybe work should be a means for us to support ourselves, so that we can use our time and resources to "seize eternity". What eternal value do we have by earning millions of dollars? But if we spend our time with people, telling them of the great news, we will be affecting their eternal status. Isn't this more worthwhile then doing things for ourselves for this life only?

This leads to the question of being in full time ministry. Should we seize eternity in this way? Not everyone is gifted in teaching. If we are gifted in teaching the Word of God, then why not? Are we still focused on this life? Are we not concerned about the eternity of others.

But can we do both? The longer we work, the more work demands of your time, resources and energy. It would be very hard to do both. And the worldly value of secular work is always in conflict with our values in eternity.

I am continued to be challenged. I am continued to be intrigued. I am continued to be humbled.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Back to Square One

So close and yet so far....

To have a job offer on hand, to have signed the offer and to have made plans to make to move... only to be struck by uncertainty and doubt with events happening at the last minute, resulting in me withdrawing my acceptance...

Maybe this is an indication that I should be pursuing something else... something totally different...

Although I feel mentally tired and strained by the whole process, I feel at peace with the decision I have made. The favourable response from the other side came as a bit of a surprise, so maybe I made the right decision as there were other factors happening on the other side I am not aware of.

It is ironic that the more option one has, the more one feels traps in one's current situation.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Facebook

The Facebook phenomena is reaching record heights. Everyone has an account on Facebook. Some offices have banned access to the website from their workers. People can spend hours on it, going through the friends' lists of their friends to see if there are people they know, and trying to reconnect with old friends. It is a very handy tool for people to keep up to date with everyone.

However, Facebook is also a tool which gives people a superficial sense of care and love towards others, by sending free virtual gifts to people to express their care. It eliminates the need for us to communicate with people face to face, creating a false sense of security in people that they have a whole array of friends on their list, most of which are mere acquaintances. Its convenience is sacrificed by genuine relationship building, where a few virtual gifts are used to define the extent of a person's relationship with others.

Use Facebook by all means, but do not replace physical contact with a website.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Tommy

The musical "Tommy" brings us into a life journey, allowing us to seek through our emotions and physical circumstances, to discover our purpose in life and realising that the purpose may only be subjective. However, the musical also showed the hypocrisies that exist in the world, in terms of people, world events and religions.

Everyone is searching for something to cling onto, to hang on and to build their hope on. Everyone wants to discover things that others have discovered that they themselves have not, but in the end we just realise that all the so-called discoveries are just the same things, repackaged in a different format. Maybe each one of us is like Tommy, living in our own small world, seeing the same things with different visions, thoughts and analysis. All of us face the same choice - to continue to live in our own fantasy world, or to rise above the world and see what this world and our life is really about.