Senior Associate Conference

It was a much better conference than I expected, and the ability for all senior associates across all Australian offices to meet together face to face is a great opportunity indeed.

The activities involved us walking on tight ropes, 10 metres above ground level. The process of climbing up the telegraph pole was scary enough and then walking on the ropes is even more of a challenge. I did the leap of faith, where I had to climb up the pole and then up out to grab a bar. It was horrifying leaving the platform and jumping out, and it was more of a shock when I missed the bar. Luckily, there was a harness to protect me.

For free time, I chose to do a tour of the artists' studios. Seeing them work, and hearing them explain their art and passion, makes me want to become one of them. I was able to drown myself and lose myself in their paintings. I was touched by the explanation given by Ruth le Cheminant behind her paintings. I was impressed by the use of light in the landscape paintings of Warwick Fuller and the impressionist illusions in the paintings of Herman Pekel. I laughed at the humour in the paintings of David Beschi.

As for the rest of the conference, the seminars and workshops seem like brain washing sessions. They assumed everyone wanted to be a partner of the firm, without addressing the true needs of the participants as to how the firm may assist those who do not want to be partners. The truth is that in this age and time, people come and go so quickly and they have done nothing to address that. These kinds of issues were touched upon in the last seminar on the last day, but by then, most people have left or are too tired to care.

Anti-Valentines Day

For many years now, this day is a day of dread, as every year I would see couples on the streets with flowers and chocolates and I would be all alone, feeling sad and wondering when this loneliness would end.

This year, I spent the day with a bunch of other single people at an anti-valentines day party at a bar. It was cool, meeting with a lot of different people, and not feeling alone on such a date.

But this may just be a way of escaping from reality, a glim and cold reality. If you asked me in November 2007 what I expected would happen on 14 February 2008, I would not have imagined I would be at this state again. Maybe it is my choice again, but it is hard not to think about "what if".

The fear is that I will continue to experience this state for the rest of my life.

Edison Chen

The great controversy surrounding the leaking of photos depicting Edison Chen having sex with various Hong Kong female stars is hitting the front pages of tabloids all over Hong Kong, day after day. Most people blamed Edison for the leakage of the photos and others are disgusted by the immorality shown in the photos. Most people felt that Edison should be responsible and should say something about the incident, but at the same time, they felt sorry for the female stars being caught up in the controversy.

I am not going to comment on the morality of the images depicted in the photos. This should not be the issue we should be concentrating on. The issue is the leakage of the photos on the internet and whether it is justified that Edison takes the blame.

Edison's contribution to the leakage is taking his computer for repairs. I do not think he is aware of such images in his computer and he would certainly not expect repairers to access his personal files in the computer.

And the reason why it is such a big issue at this point in time is the public reaction, and it is the public who demand those photos. We are feeding into this whole issue. We want to see more photos. We buy the newspapers and magazines selling this story. We search the net for the photos to satisfy our curiosity. We are fueling this whole controversy by our actions. We are as much to blame as anyone else.

One thing most people doesn't realise is the fact that Edison is also a victim in this. He did not want this to happen, just like the female stars. Sure, he was the one who took these photos, but these were meant for his private pleasure and was not meant for the world to see. Whether you think he is perverted or not based on the photos is not relevant, as these photos were only meant for himself. Noone realises that Edison is hurting as much as the female stars. He would be feeling that he betrayed the trust of the other people in the photos. His career is also affected by this whole incident. His life may also be in jeopardy, due to the connection of some of the female stars involved. So the fact he stayed silent and staying put in the US is a wise choice at this point in time. What did the media expected him to say? If he apologised, he would be regarded as being insincere and fake (see reaction after his video). If he kept silent, he would be regarded as not being a man and taking up the blame. He is in a lose-lose situation.

I really hope that he and the female stars involved will hang on and be strong, and hopefully with the support of their family and friends they will overcome this.

Double standards

I really dislike people who have double standards.

They can use cruel and mean words towards others (even though deep inside they do not mean it) but when others do it back to them, they get upset.

And when others try to reason with them in relation to the cruel and mean words they used in the first place, they will defend themselves by saying that they did not mean it. But how something means to a person is up to the person listening. One needs to convey the right meaning using the right tone and choice of words. They need to be responsible for what they say, and not try to find ways around it.

And what they don't understand is that they can be manipulative with things they do. They can be a stirrer and they do not know it. Then after they stir up things, they accuse people of being fake, but it is themselves who cause this to happen.

Try talking to them, and getting them back, and it wont work, as you will upset them either way. And the only thing they will do is just to hit you back physically. So sad.

Write offs

It's hard to avoid trouble when trouble comes to find you.

I have tried to keep a low profile at work, doing my work, not engaging in any mind games with the evil boss. There is not much work flow from him in the past few months, and I have been doing work for other people, which has been good.

However, trouble seems to come and find me even when I try to avoid it. There has been an issue with the disconnect between the fees I earn for my firm and the number of billable hours I work. And that comes down to one issue - write offs! Upon further investigation, I realised that the evil boss has been "writing off" my time on files. He usually quotes low to get the work in, and keeps to the quote during billing at the expense of people working for him. I am sure it is not an issue with me in spending too much time, as none of the other people I work for write off my time to the extent he does.

Anyway, this may turn out to be an issue which needs to be addressed to management, and when the time comes, I will need to defend myself. I have gathered all the evidence of writeoffs already, but I do not want to result in a war of words between me and him. It is so hard to be a witness at work.

What do we want?

Sometimes we think we know what we want. We may dream about wanting a certain thing, and convince ourselves that the thing we want is the best thing for us. We may try to achieve this, and our past efforts and hard work further convinces us that we should get this thing.

And once we achieve it, how do we feel? We may be happy at first, but this joy quickly disappears, when we discover that what we have obtained may not be suitable for us. Of course, from a distance, such things are nice and perfect, but when they are up close and personal, they are not that much different from other things. Then we start to question whether we actually know what we want, and we begin to wonder maybe the best thing is something that we have all along, something that we are comfortable with, something that we loathe but yet have accepted.

And we continue to live, to dream new dreams, to make modifications and adjustments to our dreams, until one day our true dream is realised or until we depart without the chance to realise our dreams.

New and Old

Its the new year.

What is new?

1. Work offices have moved to a new building, but ironically, its the same building that I was working in when I first started work in another company as a graduate. Office fitouts are modern and slick, but rooms are divided by glass panels, which make us look like we are all in fishbowls.

2. Met a new group of people on NYE, formed from friends inviting friends inviting friends to see fireworks. Been hanging out with them a few times this year. Nothing special, just something different.

What is old?

1. Work. When to stop? Where to go?

2. Relationship. Unresolved issues, still trying to escape.

Emo

Feeling emo in relation to the current state of things...
relationship issues remain unresolved...
work not bringing about satisfaction....
not knowing where I am heading.....

Tried to find someone to talk to the other day...
sent texts to the few people who I can trust...
but noone is free to reply or spare an hour or two for me...

Christmas spent surrounded by family and friends...
but will they still be here in 20 years time...
will I be all alone, with noone to celebrate with...

Refocus.
Pray.
Try to not avoid it.

Festive Season

There are so many reasons for joy - the birth of our Saviour, the Christmas parties where we exchange gifts for one another, being involved as part of the initiative at work to donate food to the homeless....

But my mind is focused on just one issue... a choice I have to make, a choice which I may regret or be excited about...

Throughout my life, I have been at this stage many times. But each time is harder than the last. Maybe I carry too much burdens. Maybe I still don't know what to do.

I can continue to live my life, to be with people, and try not to address the issue. I can laugh with people to try to cover my sense of uneasiness. I can continue to type "lol" to people but not mean it. But when things quiet down, the issue is there again. It will be haunting me unless there is a resolution.

It's hard for others to help me. What do I expect them to do? Ultimately its up to me and what I feel is the right decision to make.

Crying in the party

Work Christmas party.

Year after year its the same thing. Costumes. Dinner. Drinks. Dancing.

This year, a text message on my phone changed everything. Why did she send that message? What did I do to make her send it? I tried calling her, but her phone was off. All I could do was send her a reply asking her what was wrong.

My colleague next to me knew something was wrong, and asked if I was ok. Hell, no, but what could I say to him? I didn't even know what was wrong myself. All I said was that things were fine, but I wanted to leave the party. And I did leave the party early and the whole night I was thinking and dreaming of what could be the reason.

The next day I got another text message with certain accusations. Are women from Venus and men from Mars? I did not know how she came to those conclusions. I was upset and hurt by them. I couldn't be bothered ringing her back, and all I could do was send an email back to her explaining the situation. She sent me a text wanting to talk after that. But the fact that she sent the text message already affected me so much that I still cannot face her at this point in my life. Even though we were supposed to talk today, I couldn't bring myself to it. I just don't know what to do.

I am so confused right now that I don't know what I am saying and whether there were any truth in what she said.

The only thing I know is that this song continues to be in my head the past few days.

Mess.....

Personal life in a mess...

Why am I such a noob? What's wrong with me? Why do I like to avoid questions and build all these walls around me so that I block out everyone? Maybe its past experience, maybe it is fear of failure, maybe its insecurity......

............

Types

When we reach a certain age, we will be used to either being alone, or the fact that we have a partner.

A person who is used to having a partner most of their lives will feel so empty after losing that partner. They will then find themselves with so many free time and they would not know how to use such time. They may try to hang out with their friends, but since they have a partner for most of their lives, they may already have neglected their friends, and such friends may not be able to give time to them. They will be reminded that they will need to find another partner as soon as possible, and as a consequence, they will actively find another partner.

A person who is used to being single will be used to being alone and independent. That person will try to fill up their lives with so many activities and friends so that they won't feel lonely. If a partner comes into that person's life, that person will need time to adjust and may find it difficult to fit the partner into their busy schedules.

These two types of people will not understand each other. The person used to being alone thinks that the person used to having a partner falls too easily in love with others. The person used to having a partner thinks that the person used to being alone takes so long to act which may result in plenty of lost opportunities.

So the singles continue to be singles, and the couples continue to be couples.

Maybe it is a choice between independence and love or a choice between loneliness and business, depending on one's perspective.

If we are in the transitional stage from one to another, maybe all we can do is learn by experience. But its hard. And no-one seems to understand the dilemma until they are the same type of person as you and have experienced the transition stage.

Miss Saigon

Ten years have passed since I watched this musical last time.

This time round, I was able to appreciate more of the more subtle messages from the story.

I remembered when I watched the musical ten years ago, I could not reason why the love existed. I also did not understand the reason why she took her own life in the end.

This time when I watched it, I am able to comprehend. In a war, they were each other's only source of escape and provided a breath of fresh air in each other's life. However, once the soilder returns back to their country, they will be back to their familiar surroundings, and that kind of love would soon be forgotten. Apparently, such stories were common during the Vietnam war, and there may still be women waiting for their soldiers to return today.

Taking her own life in the end was an act of love for her son. Her sacrifice was the only way to guarantee her son's passage to the US.

Watching this musical reminds me how great we are to live in this society, being free from war and having so much opportunities. We should be appreciative of the many soldiers who have risked their lives to ensure that we continue to enjoy this peace and freedom. However, the musical also reminds us that the cost of wars may be greater than the benefit it brings, and wars may be seen as a futile attempt by man to take control of something which he has no control over.

Homeless people

Providing pro bono legal advice for homeless people has been rewarding. The work may be tedious. The clients may have mental issues and stink of urine. But for once, I feel like I am doing something that is actually helping people who are genuinely in need.

We take for granted the liberties we have in our lives. But for a homeless person, they are sometimes being exploited or stripped of their basic rights. It is amazing how discriminatory people are in treating others.

Seeing these people in the state they are in saddens my heart. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could evangelise to them as well?

I felt a bit guilty getting there and leaving there by cab, while seeing people struggle on the streets. However, I am sure they do not see it that way.

Even though it was only half a day, I have gained so much more insight in that time than weeks of working on big transactions. I spent the rest of the day in the office doing some follow up work for these homeless people, ignoring my real work for corporate clients.

I am looking forward to the next time I go there. It has given me a new perspective on life.

Carpe Aeternitatem

Carpe Aeternitatem. Latin phrase. Translated to mean "Seize eternity".

What are we doing with our lives? Everything we do in our lives seems to be centered upon the present. What are we doing for eternity?

Maybe we should be continually reminded that this life is limited. Life passes away in a flash of an eye. Events from ten years ago only seem like last week. How many ten years do we have in our lives?

We spend our time deciding our work. We buy into the concept that our 'career' gives us value and satisfaction. We spend more and more time trying to advance our career, thinking that this would give us value. And in the end, we get more dissatisfied, because our value cannot be defined by this life, but by eternity. The whole concept of a career centers upon this life. Maybe work should be a means for us to support ourselves, so that we can use our time and resources to "seize eternity". What eternal value do we have by earning millions of dollars? But if we spend our time with people, telling them of the great news, we will be affecting their eternal status. Isn't this more worthwhile then doing things for ourselves for this life only?

This leads to the question of being in full time ministry. Should we seize eternity in this way? Not everyone is gifted in teaching. If we are gifted in teaching the Word of God, then why not? Are we still focused on this life? Are we not concerned about the eternity of others.

But can we do both? The longer we work, the more work demands of your time, resources and energy. It would be very hard to do both. And the worldly value of secular work is always in conflict with our values in eternity.

I am continued to be challenged. I am continued to be intrigued. I am continued to be humbled.

Back to Square One

So close and yet so far....

To have a job offer on hand, to have signed the offer and to have made plans to make to move... only to be struck by uncertainty and doubt with events happening at the last minute, resulting in me withdrawing my acceptance...

Maybe this is an indication that I should be pursuing something else... something totally different...

Although I feel mentally tired and strained by the whole process, I feel at peace with the decision I have made. The favourable response from the other side came as a bit of a surprise, so maybe I made the right decision as there were other factors happening on the other side I am not aware of.

It is ironic that the more option one has, the more one feels traps in one's current situation.

Facebook

The Facebook phenomena is reaching record heights. Everyone has an account on Facebook. Some offices have banned access to the website from their workers. People can spend hours on it, going through the friends' lists of their friends to see if there are people they know, and trying to reconnect with old friends. It is a very handy tool for people to keep up to date with everyone.

However, Facebook is also a tool which gives people a superficial sense of care and love towards others, by sending free virtual gifts to people to express their care. It eliminates the need for us to communicate with people face to face, creating a false sense of security in people that they have a whole array of friends on their list, most of which are mere acquaintances. Its convenience is sacrificed by genuine relationship building, where a few virtual gifts are used to define the extent of a person's relationship with others.

Use Facebook by all means, but do not replace physical contact with a website.

Tommy

The musical "Tommy" brings us into a life journey, allowing us to seek through our emotions and physical circumstances, to discover our purpose in life and realising that the purpose may only be subjective. However, the musical also showed the hypocrisies that exist in the world, in terms of people, world events and religions.

Everyone is searching for something to cling onto, to hang on and to build their hope on. Everyone wants to discover things that others have discovered that they themselves have not, but in the end we just realise that all the so-called discoveries are just the same things, repackaged in a different format. Maybe each one of us is like Tommy, living in our own small world, seeing the same things with different visions, thoughts and analysis. All of us face the same choice - to continue to live in our own fantasy world, or to rise above the world and see what this world and our life is really about.

Death

Death... it is closer than it seems. Each day we live, we are one day older, and one step closer to death.

Death can come upon us at anytime. One of my client recently just died in his sleep. No signs beforehand. He was only in his 50s.

Death brings about an emotions in people, as death involves the severance of ties and relationships. Singing at a funeral in front of crying people makes me so emotional, the impact of which lasted for days.

Death... it is closer than it seems. After all, death is only one breath away or one heartbeat away.

Cash Values 2

I've been told that my views in the previous posts are too optimistic. I was told that living a life costs money, and it is wrong for me to assume that all is fine, when we are supposed to have money for our daily needs, as well as putting money aside for emergencies, for our kids, for our family, and so on.

This is all true. But how much can we calculate? How much can we save up for? Sometimes we go too far with our pursuit of money that we end up neglecting other aspects of our lives. Money cannot bring back lost relationships and neglected friendships. Money cannot buy back those special moments in our child's life that we missed simply because we are at work.

If everyone is to be concerned about how much we earn or whether we have enough for the future, there will be a number of jobs which no one will be doing.

I am not saying that we should not be prudent with our money. All I am saying is that we should be satisfied with what we have, and do not use money as a justification for our actions.

Look at it this way - if the average Australian household's annual income is only $50,000 per year, no-one earning more than that should be using the argument that they need to make more money to save for emergencies. If the average Australian can survive on that salary, so can we.

Cash Values

Been thinking about finances and money lately, especially with my pending decision about work and stuff.

How much money does one need? When we think about it, its doesn't amount to much.

But we have been lured into a force sense of security by the need to have everything new and latest. Possessions have become our security in life. We comfort ourselves by the material things we gather. We compare ourselves with others by the wealth we have.

Our occupations have become a status symbol, a role which gives us value in life. We look up to people with certain occupations. We give respect to people who are wealthy.

But even with all that wealth, are we happy? What is more important in life? A mansion in which you live alone, or a small flat where there is a constant gathering of people who care for you in your life?

On our death bed, do we look back and feel proud at the portfolio of assets we have accumulated? Or do we feel regret for the lack of care we have shown to our loved ones as we spent all our time on our job and the lost opportunities in building our relations with people?

I know a person who is dying from a terminal illness at the moment, and she is now in her last days. The only material thing that is giving her comfort in these last days is a self-held fan costing $2.00, which cools her constantly. Her main source of comfort is her faith in God and the people who visits her every day.

And in a sense, we all have more than we need. How much of our wealth do we give away generously? To most of us, none.

Have a look at the Global Rich List as well as Miniature Earth. It will put things into perspective.

Hillsong Conference 2007

The growth of Hillsong over the years have been phenomenal. Unfortunately, due to bad press and non support from some evangelical groups, mainstream conservative Christians still have doubts about them. People expect that sermons at Hillsong are filled with the message of prosperity gospel and that people there frequently speak aloud in tongues. They expect songs from Hillsong to have questionable lyrics.

But can we be so judgmental? Some conservative Chinese churches teach some sort of prosperity gospel. I have heard sermons about how tithing is still relevant in Chinese sermons (even though it is widely accepted that this concept is under the Old Covenant which has been abolished under the New Covenant). I have heard sermons in evangelical churches where passages are taken out of context. Sure, Hillsong may take passages out of context in relation to giving and receiving, but that is a danger we see in all churches, not just Hillsong.

Music is the soul and heart of Hillsong. On the night I was there at this year's conference, Hillsong United sang some of their famous numbers. The highlight was Chris Tomlin, whose voice was mesmerising. Again, How Great is our God brought tears in my eyes. His rendition of The Wonderful Cross and Amazing Grace comforted the souls around the stadium.

Overall the experience to me was positive. It was wonderful to see people committing themselves to God. The greatness of God was highlighted in the sermon, and reminded once again how insignificant we are compared to the great God. If we are willing to cast away our prejudice, maybe we can see that God works through different means and media. This is something conservative evangelical Christians need to understand.

Blast from the past

Last Saturday morning, I was walking along George Street going to a colleagues place for lunch,when I saw her walking towards me. At first I wondered whether it was her. She has not changed over the past 10 years. As we approach each other, I pretended not to see her, and she walked right past me.

Was it her? Was it not her?

I remembered the events from 10 years ago. My first girlfriend. The memories we shared. The hurt we caused. They are still as fresh today as they were 10 years ago.

10 years passed by so quickly. Alot has changed, alot hasn't changed. She may be married by now.

The last time I saw her was about 5 years ago, when I bumped into her and her boyfriend in a restaurant, where I was dining with my (then) girlfriend. We had a brief chat, introduced our partners, and that was that.

Then last night, I dreamt of bumping into her again and talking to her. I woke up with a really weird feeling. Maybe there is still things I have not dealt with from the past? Or maybe I am just too sentimental?

Music Therapy

Music has a therapeutic power. This week I've been a bit more happier at work, all because of the power of music.

Last Saturday night, I spent rehearsing for the Sunday service, rearranging songs and determining the parts for instruments. After song leading on Sunday, some of the songs stay in my mind and I was reminded of God's grace and providence during the week.

Monday night, I taught piano, and I had a great time collaborating with my student, teaching him chords and composition basics.

Heard a worship CD last night which brightened my spirits.

Sometimes I wonder what if I pursued and developed deeper my interests in music. Maybe I could have been a music therapist, bring relief to others and myself.

Greater Good 2

Another person in my group is not happy about being overworked. What can I do to help this poor girl, who is only a graduate, having been in our group for less than 2 months, and already working endlessly weekdays and weekends, with no breaks. I feel sorry for her. In alot of respects, I understand her, as I am going through similar emotions.

Maybe it is time for me to do something, and speak out on behalf of the group. This can't last forever, and I just can't think of myself. Maybe I should do something for the greater good. I can't just hope things will change.

Play! - A Video Game Symphony

Attending the show makes me realise how much work goes behind the music we take for granted in games. It also brings back memories from childhood, when I was playing games such as Super Mario Bros and Zelda, and made me appreciate how much my parents have given me when I was young. Listening to music from Final Fantasy and Halo reminds me of the explosion of the instant messaging and how this has changed our way of communication forever. While music from World of Warcraft and later games reminds me of my age.

V-Tech Rampage

Recently, a game appeared on the internet, titled V-Tech Rampage, which uses the events of the Virginia Tech massacre earlier this year. The game involves the player playing the role of Cho, the perpetrator in the actual massacre. There are three stages in the game reflecting the events of the massacre - the killing of the girl he liked, the sending of the parcel to the media and the final shooting spree at the Norris Hill building.

The game is so realistic that it sends chills down my spine when playing it. Alot of debate has subsequently be made as to whether it is ethical for the creator to make such games, as the game seems to glorify such killings.

However, the same argument can apply to war games people play, such as Medal of Honour or Civilization. We are more insensitive to these games as the events happen in a different time period to our current age and time. But these games also seem to be glorifying killings with ultimate winner is the one who defeats the other side(s) by killing.

Should we think more about the games we play?

Gone

Everyone is gone....or will be going... why is God taking everyone away from me? These are people that I rely on and that I have a close bond with. I missed those who are already gone and I know I will miss those who will be going. There is also a risk that once people are gone, people change or I change, and the relationship will never be the same again.

But maybe for their happiness and well being, leaving is a good thing for them. Maybe all I should do is to show my support for them, in their pursuit of dreams and happiness.

Farewell... take care...

Greater good?

The whole debacle with the bad boss blew up yesterday, with my secretary being involved and I was dragged into it. I am still too emotional to describe the event. It hurts me alot when my secretary is so upset. I also hurts me when graduate lawyers are so unhappy but they have no way to escape. They all come to me for help, but I am, in a way, in the same situation as them.

Maybe for the greater good, I have to complain to management, at the expense of my career, so that justice can be restored. The group is so disfunctional at the moment that it is not helping. The other boss in the group knows, but I question the extent of his involvement since there is a clear conflict of interest for him to be really involved.

I am more and more inclined to do the greater good. It will be a liberation for me. I think this is what it takes to be a leader?

Endless work

Working later and later these days... physically and mentally tired...

Doesn't help that I am still working for that stupid boss, who 'tries' to be nice, but is rude in every respect...

A boss who emails me every minute to ask me whether I have done a task when he full well knows I am working on it...

A boss who promises clients ridiculous deadlines...

A boss who only wants me to do work for his clients, telling me to ignore other clients of other bosses (and even some of my own clients)...

A boss who gets upset as I had to attend a client function with another boss and he wasn't invited...

A boss who is petty...

If he continues in this way, I will not just blog, I will just walk out. I have gone through that scenario in my head and it will be an attractive alternative if I continue to suffer mental tortures from him.

Realisation

I sometimes wonder how young people nowadays can just stand there and do nothing while others do things around them.

Aren't they taught to help out when older people are doing things? How can they just stand there and continue chatting when they see older people trying to lift things and move things? Even if you ask them to do it, they pretend that they don't know you.

Now I realise why they do it. It is because their parents don't require them to do anything at home. Their parents do everything for them. So to them it is normal for older people to do things while they stand around and do nothing. They don't think they need to do something.

If their parents don't even ask them to do things at home, how can you ask them to do things outside of home?

God's work

Why are God's work being shoved around from person to person? Why are some people so burdened with everything, while others are not burdened at all?

People are so protective of themselves. They do not want to step out of their comfort zone. If they are offered a role in one ministry, they would only be concerned about that ministry. What about if their ministry is very narrow, and another person's ministry is very broad? Does that mean that everything is done by the other person, and that person does nothing, even though that person knows the other person has so much on?

Isn't it a privilege for us to serve God? Why don't people take things on even if they are in a leadership role? How can one influence others if our leaders are like that, trying to shove things to other leaders?

Father to son

Its rare to have a deep and meaningful with our parents, especially as we grow older and have our own life and its associated problems.

So it was great to have been able to talk to my dad that night, until 2:30am in the morning, about my current struggles with careers and work. The insight he gave me was invaluable. Although no answer came out of it, at least I can arm myself with a new perspective and the knowledge that my parents would probably support me in what I do because of their love for me.

Treasure our time with our parents, for these times won't last forever.

Fighting over me...

My previous boss has left, and now three other bosses are fighting over me. Each one of them wants me to give priority to their work. This is the worse situation to be in - right in the midst of politics.

Do I feel a sense of importance? Do I feel happy? No. I just feel tired. Mentally tired. Tired of politics. Tired of work.

If I feel like this now, how can I survive in a more harsher environment such as law firms in the UK, HK or US?

Maybe I would be happier if three girls are fighting over me...

Frustrations

Alot of issues we face in ministry are relationship based. It is so disheartening to always hear criticisms from others with no one truly showing their appreciation. And most criticisms seem to be based on personal preferences as opposed to true worthwhile issues.

There are so many things that I cannot tell others to protect others from being hurt or disappointed, and bottling them up eventually would take their toll on me. I think I have become more withdrawn than before, and it is ironic that some people still perceive me as not able to keep secrets - if they only knew what I know inside my head.

Frustrations also come from our sense of helplessness. We see people falling, but we don't know how to help. Even if we are willing, the fallen may not be willing to allow you to help them.

But we should look beyond the short term and focus on the glory of God in eternity. All the frustrations are paid off when I received the following message earlier this week from a long lost friend, who I have previously spent time to evangelise to a few years ago:

"Hey, do you know I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Saviour?"

Soldier on, everyone! Its worth it!

Friendships

How do we define friendships? How do we establish friendships?

Do you establish friends through networking? I went to a speed networking function organised by my firm recently. We had an "one-on-one" session with each person in the room for 3 minutes in which we discussed a pre-determined topic and exchange our personal information. By the end of the night, I had a number of business cards in my hands, none of which I would be contacting again. Although I went out with some of my new-found networks afterwards to more drinks and dinner, and I actually had a good time talking about the insignificant details of life, they were still just an acquaintance to me and a potential network for the future. I am sure they think the same. These kind of people may be described "one-night friends". "One-night friends" may also include those long lost friends who contacts you once every couple of years and updates you on things in their lives.

Do you establish friends through open invitation? Even if you open yourself to someone new, that person may not open themselves to you in the same way. Maybe to you that person is your friend, but to them, you may not be a friend. These kind of people may be described as "one-way friends".

How do you respect your friends? It is hard when you have an expectation of them, and they do not meet that expectation. We expect our good friends to inform us of their big events in life, and when they do not do that, do we respect their privacy? When we find out that they have informed others of their big events, and we are kept in the dark, do we have the understanding to accept that each person may have their reasons for doing what they do (and maybe we are too busy for them in the first place)?

How do you respect your friends? It is hard when they do not appreciate what you've done for them, and to them, their "one-night friends" are closer than you are, even though they can expect your friendship regularity, and their "one-night friends" will only give them unexpected friendship once in a blue moon.

How do you help and support your friends? Do you need to give them an answer every time? How do you tell a friend that they need professional help? How can you tell them that you feel their pain but you don't know how to help them.

And how do you cope and handle a dying friendship, a lost friendship, or a friend who you no longer connect or click with?

Easter Church Camp

The first combined church camp occurred over the Easter long weekend.

Praise God that every thing went well. It was a good time for us to interact with people from another local church. I was surprised as to how well we were able to mix with them.

Being part of the committee again allowed me to see God at work. It was great to work with a great bunch of brothers and sisters, helping and supporting each other. Thank God that I have established a closer relationship with my counterpart at the other church and he was a great assistance to me throughout the camp.

It was very encouraging to receive support from people throughout the camp. Their encouragement showed their love and care for us. I was very also very touched by some comments for my workshop - all praise and glory to the Lord.

The only drawback was that there were meetings scheduled in my free time. But I did get some insights from those meetings, so it was not all that bad.

The only regret is that I did not spend enough time with certain people that I wanted to. But God did allow me to spend time with others that I did not expect to spend time with.

A thought which I have been pondering since the camp about is how I should invest my time, money and energy on matters in relation to heaven, since our future is in heaven. This may have implications on my current job situation.

Keep praying. Keep praising.

Crossroads

My boss has just resigned. She is someone that I have admired, as she has a good work ethic and has integrity. Her departure is a shock to me, although not unexpected, as I have sensed that she is very dissatisfied with management. Our firm is more and more focussed on profitability, at the expense of other important things. People's performance seems to be purely measured by how much profit you generate for the firm, and other contributions are not highly regarded. This was not the case one year ago.

What does her departure mean to me? Well, if I continue to stay on, I would be working under another boss who I do not like (see here, here and here) . Even though this boss and other bosses have been talking to me about supporting me and even hinting at the prospect of partnership in a few years time, these factors are not sufficient to lure me to stay, as I do not expect to be happy if I continue on. Furthermore, the size of our team has decreased so much in the past six months that I feel like I am in a sinking ship.

So what are my options?

1. Go to another firm. This is not one of my preferred options. I have been to a number of law firms already. I guess eventually they are all the same. If I do not have an aspiration for partnership, why should I continue to work in a law firm?

2. Go inhouse. A viable option, but there are not that many organisations I would enjoy working for, especially if the work is repetitive and boring. But I should look into this further.

3. Go overseas. I know my area of law is in great demand. But do I want to work those long hours overseas? If I am not here, there may even be a lower chance that my parents would be able to know Christ. So even if I go, it would be short term. Maybe I should do something for myself for once, and try doing something different.

4. Study. Bible college. Being a deacon at church has actually turned me off from studying at bible college. I would be unhappy if I am to be a pastor of a church (with the way most churches treat their pastors). What can I do when I come out of college? Maybe I don't have enough faith yet. Dunno.

5. Do something different. Cafe. Tutoring Centre. If there is a good business idea I may pursue it, but to date I have thought of nothing.

This is so hard. Do something that makes me happy? I don't even know what that is.

And among all this, what is the voice of God telling me to do? I need to listen.

A society of complaints

We live in a society where everyone complains.

People complain about their lives. They complain about their partner or ex partner or the fact that they do not have a partner. They complain about love being lost and noone appreciating their love. They complain about the fact that noone loves them.

But the more time we use to complain and the more time we think about this, the more time we neglect the people around us that really love us and want to care for us. We are so miserable that we do not realise that there are people around who really love us.

People complain about their jobs. They complain about the low salary they are earning, the long hours they are working and the lack of satisfaction they are having with their jobs.

But if suddenly, through some mishap, we are no longer able to work, and we are not eligible for any social benefits, would we still complain? We would be willing to do any kind of work to earn a living, and we would not be concerned about the long hours or job satisfaction as long as we are able to support ourselves.

People complain about the lack of money they have. They complain that they are not able to afford things in life.

But what are the necessities in life? That cup of coffee that we buy every morning? That shirt we bought on sale while walking past the shops at lunchtime? The brand new car we bought when our old car is still functioning? The large mansion we bought when in reality we only need a two room apartment? Alot of things we think are not affordable are not necessities.

Do complaints come about because of the excesses we have in society?

Priceless moments from Thailand trip

Not in any particular order...

1. Witnessing the devotion of Thais in worshiping their God, with statutes of Buddhas in the temples, shopping centres, hotels and homes; and realising that these people have a spiritual hunger that needs to be filled.
2. Experiencing the chaos on the roads, whether on roads in Bangkok or on highways in the countryside, where you can only overtaking by going onto oncoming traffic and where lanes and lines on the roads mean nothing at all and traffic rules are not followed in any way or form.
3. Having every inch of my body felt by a masseur during a body massage at a spa.
4. Enjoying the elephants performing at an elephant camp near Chiang Mai where they were able to play soccer and paint pictures, and at the same time, wondering how much sufferings these animals have endured for them to be trained in this way.
5. Witnessing the poor people of Myanmar (Burma) at the town of Mae Sot on the border of Myanmar and Thailand, and watching as a man took our left over foods from our table and placed them in a plastic bag for him to feed the family.
6. Worrying about malaria from mosquitoes, especially at Mae Sot, and spraying my body with insect repellent, only to realise that the mossies have bitten me in areas where I didn't spray any repellent, such as my nose and parts of my face and neck.
7. Seeing the CCTV cast and crew at our hotel in Chiang Mai and Sukothai where they were making a documentary about travels around the world.
8. Having a fantastic (and pricey) buffet lunch at Sukothai Hotel in Bangkok for Chinese New Year, and seeing Hong Kong celebrities dining at the same venue at the same time.
9. Seeing historical ruins in the country towns of Ayutthaya and Si Satchanalai Historical Park.
10. Going to the wonderful night bazaar in Chiang Mai.
11. Experiencing the modern world of Bangkok - new shopping complexes and the Skytrain.
12. Going to a hot springs near Chiang Mai, and realising that there were other insects in the same tub with me, then jumping out in fright and nearly slipped and fell over on the hard rocky floor.
13. Eating eggs boiled from hot springs.
14. Going up to the top of the mountain near Chiang Mai hoping to have a nice view of the city and discovering that Chiang Mai is too polluted with smog to see anything.
15. Being searched when entering into the airport and Central World Shopping Centre at one entrance, while there were no one conducting searches at the other entry points of these venues.

Trip Diary - Macau

I chose to spend my Valentines Day in Macau, alone, away from the constant reminders that I see all around me in Hong Kong.

I visited four new casinos that day, being Sands (where they offered a really fantastic seafood buffet lunch with lobsters, crabs, prawns, oysters, sashimi, sushi and more for the low price of AUD$30), Babylon (where the staff all dressed in costumes and their politeness in inviting visitors to sit down and gamble were first class), Wynn (where they offered free bottled water and food such as sandwiches and dim sims to all visitors) and Grand Lisboa (which was only opened for two days when I went there). It was interesting to see how they operated. The new casinos had a Las Vegas feel to them in terms of their decorations and structure but I did not bet at all mainly due to the fact that the other visitors there were rude and disgusting people from the mainland with a lack of manners in the way they gambled.

One interesting aspect I noticed is that all staff in these casinos are poor in English. Maybe I can get a job there if I want to escape from the normal life for a short while. But I think I would be disgusted by the actions of some of the gamblers there.

Trip Diary - Valentines Day

Valentines Day is a big thing in Hong Kong. All forms of media are dedicated to that day. All cafes and restaurants have Valentines Day menu. There are sales at stores especially devoted for that day. On the day, there are many couples on the streets, with the girl holding a great big bunch of flowers.

For the single person with no girl friend, such bombardment of sight and sound can make one emotional.

Some people will say that businesses are out there to make a quick profit on that day. But if I have a partner that I love, I would be willing to be ripped off on the day, in exchange for the happiness and romance from my partner.

Who should be my partner? Someone I love or someone who loves me?

Trip Diary - drying clothes

Due to limited space and the large population, Hong Kong is full of high rise apartments in which many people are crammed into a small space.

One effect of living in an apartment is the lack of space for people to dry their clothes.

Some people prefer to dry their clothes in their toilets or in their bedroom. Others prefer to use their small balcony. Because there is usually no room in the balcony to put in place any type of washing lines, most people hang their clothes on wooden poles which they put in the ceiling of their balconies.

It is very difficult to use these poles. A special instrument is needed to take a pole down and you have to put the clothes through in a certain way to dry on these poles.

Now some interesting experiences from my attempt at drying clothes in Hong Kong.

The other day as I was trying to take the poles down with the instrument, I somehow was not able to adjust to the weight of the pole and the whole pole fell down onto the streets. Lucky no one was there or someone might be killed by the sheer force of a falling pole. I wonder what I would have done if someone did get killed.

Tonight, as I was trying to dry some clothes at 1.30am for my trip tomorrow, I went out onto the balcony in my briefs only, thinking that it would be fine as I was just out there for 3 minutes. But as soon as I walked out, a lady from the building across my building started staring at me. I quickly ran back inside and put on some shorts, after which she stopped staring and turned off the nights. I hope that noone took a video of me and posted it up on YouTube. Maybe that is the price I pay for being lazy and not putting on clothes before walking out onto the balcony.

Trip Diary - Tourist Attractions

What has Hong Kong got to offer apart from buildings after buildings of shopping centres?

The experience of hiking up to The Peak is unforgettable. Especially when it is dark. The path is steep and is not for the faint hearted. Maybe I am unfit or I was going too fast, but it was so difficult going up. I felt like my whole body was aching, my legs, my arms, my chest, my head... and I was not even half way up to the top. But along the way, the view was magnificient. But was it worth it? All I can say is that I truly appreciate my friend in organising this for me.

Hong Kong Museum of History is surprisingly interesting, with a wealth of information about the history of Hong Kong from pre-historical times to current era. The most interesting aspect is the replica of the buildings and landmarks from past eras. They were so realistic that I really felt that I was transported in time. This is a "must" place to visit - for locals and tourists alike.

Trip diary - Foot massage

Foot massage is all the craze in Hong Kong now. Just about everyone I know in Hong Kong regularly goes to a foot massage centre.

It was not long ago that the massage industry has an image of being sleezy and is closely associated with the sex industry.

How fast things change.

Foot massage is seen as a healthy therapy, through which the masseur is able to discern, through certain parts of the soles of your feet, areas of your body that have problems. The whole process can be painful but also relaxing, depending on the state of your health.

I have tried this tonight, and it was a good experience. Although at times, the pressure can be a bit too great. The masseur also said that he knows I play alot of sports from massaging my feet and legs. This is not entirely accurate. But I have been walking alot over the past week so maybe this was the reason why the masseur thought that was the case.

Trip diary - Justin's concert

Didn't expect to see any concerts on my trip, but due to chance and coincidence, I was able to participate in the opening night of the concert of Justin Lo with the Hong Kong Philharmonic Orchestra (HKPO).

The concert was not as great as I expected, due to the following reasons:
1. Excessive use of drums and piano/keyboard - these instruments basically stole the whole show, and the sounds from these intrusments were louder than the orchestra, which results in the concert being like a pop concert without any orchestral resemblence.
2. No respect was given to HKPO by the audience, especially towards the end when they were standing up waiting for applause, but most of the audience have left and are leaving by then.
3. Fans were clapping and yelling at inappropriate times.
4. The arrangments in most songs were not innovative enough and did not cater for the use of the orchestra sound. Furthermore, some songs were not dissimimlar to the original, due to the excessive use of drums and piano/keyboard (see point 1 above). Therefore, the element of surprise is lacking in the concert.
5. There were some problems in the song order. For example, the use of the theme from Stars Wars followed up by a fast song brought atmosphere and liveliness, but this was followed by a slow ballad which dramatically dampened the atmosphere and the mood.

However, despite the above, I was emotionally touched by the concert. I could associate with Justin when he talked about the fact that he needs to love himself and allow others to love him, and needs to have a positive perspective on love. When he said that, I could see myself in that statement, especially with my pessimism on love (see previous blogs). When he sang "I'll be there" and "The greatest love of all", tears were forming in my ears and I realised that even if noone loves me in this world, Jesus still loves me and will always be there for me no matter what happens. It is not until that point that I realised how much comfort this knowledge is for me, and maybe for all the lonely people in the world.

The irony is that a high school kid made a similar comment a few weeks ago. But I did not truly appreciate this until now.

Through this concert I also understand why Justin is so popular in Sydney with the ABCs. Maybe it is because he is also caught between two cultures, like the ABCs. It is evident by his choice of songs for the concert (half of the concert was English songs) and the way he talked (he needed English words here and there in a sentence to describe his feelings). Maybe he is representative of a person who doesn't know where they belong and who needs to be loved, just like each one of us.

We are loved, by Jesus. We are citizens of the future kingdom of God. Let us continue to wait in hope and expectation until that final day.

Trip Diary - dividing class

There is a great dividing class in Hong Kong. Walking down from Soho after dining at a French restaurant, I saw a begger taking a bottle of Coke from the bins and drinking the few drops that were left in the bottle. I would be eating $15 won ton noodle soup one day, and a $125 sandwich at a hotel the next day. At a dai pai dong, there would be locals eating very cheap food, and we would be dining on the expensive live seafood we bought from the markets which we asked the dai pai dong to cook for us. There are old ladies collecting cans, and there are old ladies carrying bags of shopping from Gucci or Dior.

And people don't think there is anything wrong with this.

Trip Diary - Wedding

It is always a pleasure to participate in a friend's wedding, especially when you are bestowed with responsibilities and is appreciated by a friend. To be able to use my gifts to help others is very fulfilling.

Attending a wedding is as fun as you want it to be. You can sit there and sulk and lament on the fact that everyone else is getting married and you are still alone and single. Or you can enjoy the evening, the ambience and elegance of the venue, the aroma of the food and the company of old friends and collegues that you may have not seen for a number of years.

If all else fails, drink a few glasses of XO. Your spirits will surely be lifted up afterwards.

Trip Diary - Emotional Bagage

Going on a trip to my initial hometown was meant to be a way for me to realise stress and emotions. But it seems like emotionally, my baggage is heavier and heavier with the people I meet.

There are certain people that I was looking forward to catching up with. I wanted to spend more time with them, as they are people whose friendship I cherish and treasure. However, they are very absorbed with their work or other commitments. I wanted to spend one on one time with them to talk about things more personal, but they do not have time for me, and the only time I would meet them would be in a group context where it would be hard for me and for them to share more personal things.

There are other people who complain that every time I am here, I do not have enough time to meet up with them. And when I try to make an appointment with them, they are not willing to confirm on a time and date, with the excuse that something else may come up. If that is the case, then why complain to me, if they are not willing to commit to a meeting time?

There are people who I normally do not contact but I will see them every time I am in my initial hometown. But some of these people I no longer have anything in common with and I would feel a sense of loss after meeting with these people, as I realise that our relationship is no longer the same. Maybe it is better for me not to contact them at all in the first place.

Annoyed

She continues to amaze me... and I continue to be more annoyed and annoyed at her... and to think that the thought of considering her have crossed my mind previously....

She can use people as jokes which to me is a form of personal attack but when people retaliate and make a joke about her, she becomes defensive and upset. So in her world, it is fine for her to do things to others, but not the other way around.

She takes everything for granted. She takes people for granted. She appreciates random people doing small things for her, and she thinks they are treating her well, but she neglects what her close friends have done for her and expects these friends to do so much more, and then she complains that her close friends are not treating her well.

Who wants to have partner like this, let alone a friend like this?

But on another level, she can be caring and loving, and in critical times, she would be there for me. If I am to consider her again, I want her to be like this all the time, not just during a few moments of my life. But who am I to demand this?

At the moment, I have tried to see how we would react with each other with less communication and contact. I have not told her anything, but at this stage, given my emotional state and my annoyance I think it may be best. I have been doing this for a week now, and so far, I am feeling fine about my decision. Maybe this is a confirmation that I should redirect my focus and energy on other things or other people, as I have no urges to contact or communicate with her during the past week. Or maybe at this stage, I am just too annoyed at her. Only time will tell.

Never changing?

Have I changed over the past ten years? It seems like I am doing the same things as I was doing ten years ago.

Sure, there are changes in my life. I am working now. I have greater responsibility at work, home and church, but the essence of my existence has not changed.

My discussion topics and interests have not really changed during these years.

I am still engaging in activities such as dinners, suppers and drinks, even though the places I go to may have changed. For example, over the years, I have gone to Double Bay for different things, initially it was ice cream at the French Riviera (now relocated) or coffee at Dee Bees, then it was coffee and desserts at the Cosmopolitan, and today, Double Bay is the place for Max Brenner.

I am still into music, and still go to karaoke. The only difference is the songs I sing. Over the years, I sang a number of songs and each era I would sing songs from certain singers, from Jacky Cheung and Leon Lai, to Andy Hui, to Leo Ku and Eason Chan, and now Justin Lo. There is essentially not much difference in what I do in a karaoke room over the years.

I still enjoy communicating with people, and over the years the modes of communication has changed. I remembered spending hours on the phone in the past, talking to my friends until 4 or 5 am in the morning. I remembered the ICQ explosion, where we spent hours typing messages with each other. And nowadays, its all MSN each night and every night, and the occasional SMS.

I still talk about boy-girl relationship with other people, and still, I have not found someone to be the one, even though over the years I have been with a few different girls. I still talk about my future aspirations. I still complain about the things in my life, which in the past would be university lecturers and timetables, and now it would be bosses at work or incompetent graduates. I still talk about my interests with others - music, films, travel, sports, current affairs, philosophy, religions, etc.

Is this a problem? Does this mean that I have not developed over the past ten years?

Most of my contemporaries have moved on the next life stage. Getting married. Having babies. Their interests have changed dramatically. They have no more time for long chats, or karaoke til 3am in the morning. They talk about where to get cheap nappies or which shop sells chicken wings for 10c less per kilo. They have less freedom with their financial resources, especially with a mortgage over their family home. It seems like we are in two different worlds.

And maybe that is why I am able to associate with people 10 years younger than me now, because I am still at the same life stage as them.

Is this a problem? Maybe my next life stage will come at much a later time in life than my contemporaries. Or maybe there is no next life stage for me.

Too much to handle...

... can I just stop everything and take some time out to reflect... am i heading in the right direction... can someone guide me to overcome the obstacles in my way or am i required to work things out myself... but how can i when there so much pressures from other aspects of my life?

Stop. Revive. Survive.

Confusion

Confused. Utterly incomprehensible.

Why are people so noisy? Why do people like to gossip?

Can a guy and a girl be just friends? Why do people say so much, and do so much? Why do people think we are not setting the right example? Why is it that the only thing we can do to stop stumbling other people is to distance ourselves from one another?

In any other context, this kind of friendship is common. Why are people so sensitive?

Or am I fooling myself? I know where I stand. I think I know. Does she know where she stands? Why is her response dependent on my response? Am I an obstacle in her way to happiness? Would others not approach her because of me?

I was told that she has never rejected me, unlike others, who would do so in an unfair and prejudicial manner. Am I a reject? Why would everyone else reject me? Why would only guys tell me that they would have me if they were the opposite sex? Are they only comforting me?

Am I confused? Am I hurt? Am I disillusioned?

I can choose others, and others can choose me. I can reject others, and others can reject me. Endless cycle. Maybe the people that I like would always reject me, while the people that I reject would always like me.

Reassessment? Not until I have dealt with my confusion, hurt and disillusionment. But how?

Reminders

Things tend to remind us of the past...

At a friend's place recently, and his kitchen utensils were similar to the utensils used by my late grandmother - the metal plates used for serving, the use of newsletter on the coffee table and eating in front of the TV - brought back memories of the past.

Walking to work on an overcast day and seeing tourists walking around reminded me of being a tourist in Rome where I was walking about early in the morning on an overcast day trying to find an old cathedral which housed one of Caravaggio's paintings.

Seeing a graduate at work making silly mistakes reminded me what I used to be like when I first started, making stupid mistakes and silly typos in documents.

We tend to feel a closer connection to things or people that remind us of past events or people.

Lack of Christian peers

I have just noticed I do not have any peers in my Christian circle that can support me.

Age group peers - I do not have any. The people that are in that group are already at the next life stage. They have no capacity nor understanding of my current situation anymore.

Social-economic peers - I do not have any. Most of these peers fall outside my Christian circle.

Spiritual peers - I do not have any. It is hard to find someone to be able to walk with in this spiritual journey.

This is not healthy. This is not ideal.

Rebuking in Ministry 2

It hurts, it really does.

But I think it is a lesson from God.

All I did was set out my reasons why I have to make a certain decision, and outlined the supposed roles and responsibilities of the other person.

The person replied with a personal attack on me, which was copied to all relevant people, questioning my character and integrity.

I am upset, still am upset. I had several people examine my original message and all of them, all from different backgrounds, thought that the original message was impartial and objective. They all agreed that the response was the problem, as that person over-reacted and missed out on the main gist of my argument.

I need to learn. I have to learn.

My first reaction was to respond back to the person. I could mount a convincing argument against that person's senseless response. But that person is too emotional and irrational. I think the wise thing is not to respond anymore to that person. Maybe I have already learnt my first lesson in trying not to defend myself and keep quiet for the sake of peace.

But I still have to deal with that person. This is the point I am at now.

I need to pray and ask God to give me wisdom to how to deal with the person. I think this is a valuable lesson for me to learn from if I am to grow and move ahead in my ministry. I may choose to ignore the person, and use a comfortable approach to deal with it in an administrative way. But I don't think this is what God wants me to learn. I may have to deal with this in a way which I have not done previously. May I be able to rely on Him and do things in a way which pleases him.

Workplace changes

People are leaving left right and centre from my place of work. About half of my group will be gone by the end of February. When a person leaves, the dynamics of the group change dramatically. I have formed some close relationships with some of my colleagues and when they leave, there is a sense of loss, since I know that the relationships will change when I am no longer able to see them again, especially if they are moving to another country to work.

Do I want to leave? Yes I do but what do I really want to do?

Lost Fantasies

I saw my ex girlfriend (from 10 years ago) walking in the streets recently. But when I turned around, she was gone. I wonder how she is going. Is she married? Is she still single? Is she a mother now?

I saw a girl I liked years ago in my dream recently. In the dream, she was very happy to see me as we haven't seen each other for a long time. We hugged and danced around like two little kids. In reality this person is married.

I saw a girl on MSN who I had an affection for a few years ago, but haven't contacted her since then as she is no longer in the city I am living in. Seeing her online brings back a wave of feelings, and talking to her again makes me want to ring her and just talk to her about what has been happening in these past few years.

Even if I contacted these people again, I may have nothing to say to them. The images I have of them are from another space and time, and they may have changed alot since then. Maybe these are all lost fantasies.

Rebuking in Ministry

Its hard for me to rebuke others, but sometimes things need to be done, especially if I am in a position to do so.

Why do some people never learn? They think they can deceive the whole world, not knowing that the whole world has already seen through them.

Why do some people make things so hard? Why do we waste so much time in ministry on people issues that are not really important? How come people can act so differently yet they are all praying to the same God?

It is not fun when one is forced to use their power to overrule something for the sake of others. Even though I know others think I did the right thing, I am very uncomfortable, as I may have hurt the person I am rebuking. But maybe that is the only way they could learn. I guess I should know by now that I can't please everyone, and my role here is to please God, not to please the people around me.

Experiencing short term mission

Even though I am not in Cambodia at the moment, I can feel the intensity of what it is like to be on a short term mission there.

I shared in her pain as she informs me of the side effects of taking malaria tablets. I can feel the atmosphere as she described her helplessness in helping the children on the streest. I can feel her discomfort as she describes the skin allergy she has after visiting and hugging children with HIV.

It is having such an effect on me that I wake up in the middle of night wanting to pray for her.

May the gospel of our Lord be brought to those in Cambodia and beyond! Hope she returns safe and sound.

Nose bleed

Why does my nose bleed all of a sudden during a private conversation over dinner with an attractive female counterpart at a cafe? The whole scene was so theatrical. My other friend went to the toilet and I was having a nice private conversation with the girl. I didn't know her that well but we were talking about places to visit in Europe and it was a very enjoyable conversation. I started to blow my nose, but it started to bleed. I asked her for tissues but before she could reach down into her bag, blood just poured out. All the people in the cafe were taking notice of me. The waitress even came to me with extra napkins. I had to leave the girl sitting there by herself and went to the bathroom to fix my nose.

This is like a scene out of the movie. My friend then joked with me afterwards about the fact that my nose was bleeding because of my one on one time with the pretty girl.

Contradiction in people

A person can be so contradictory. On one level she can be caring and kind and is a good friend to talk to when I'm in need. On the other hand she can be mean with the things she says about me, often in a joking way, without realising the hurt she is causing me with the things she says. And when I retaliate, she would get upset and hurt by my retaliation. If a person is your friend, you would respect that person, not make fun or put down that person.

And why doesn't she tell me certain things when they concern me deeply but tells me these stuff way after the event? If it is the other way round, she would have been upset if I had not told her.

Maybe that is why I will never consider her as more than a friend. Never. Never ever.

Haberfield - the new Leichard

Haberfield is shaping up to the new Leichard of Sydney. The main street reminds me of a more toned down version of a cross between Lygon Street in Melbourne and Acland Street in St Kilda.

We went to an Italian restaurant for lunch, and the food was surprising good. We could have sat there all afternoon as it was a very comfortable and relaxing place. The coffee afterwards at an old styled Italian cafe was really well made, with the smell of the coffee bean aromas filling the whole cafe.

There is also a handmade chocolate shop nearby and next time I will definitely get some chocolates.

Give Haberfield a try!!

Christmas Party

After working for a few years, I have been to a number of different Christmas parties. Working in a large organisation often means that when attending these parties, I hang around and converse with the people in my group that I know.

This year it is a bit different. Not many of the people from my group went to the Christmas party (due to various commitments). At first I hanged around with them, but eventually I drifted off and started hanging around other people. It is interesting how different a person can be in a social context. I have worked with other people from other groups, and when I talk to them socially, they come across as a totally different person. They can be alot more interesting. Some of the conversations I had were thoughtful and meaningful. At least I know that alot of us think alike about our careers and futures in the firm, not just me.

What made this year's party interesting was the existence of a few gaming tables. We were all issued with $10,000 fake chips, and I played Black Jack and Texas Holdem Poker. I was pretty even with Black Jack. But I lost everything in Texas Holdem Poker. I was patient and waited for a good hand, and when I had a triple, I went "all in". Another player followed. After the river card was revealed, the other player won, as he managed to score a flush. In another game, using the chips of a colleague, I also had a triple, and went all in, but to my dismay, I lost to a player who had a straight. Such bad luck. The chances of a triple losing in the game is so low. Oh well... at least its not for real.

As usual, it was hard to catch a cab home after. Thank you to the friend who picked me up from the train station! =)

Praise Him

To be able to praise Him, and worship Him is our privilege and honour.

To be able to lead others to experience the power of the Spirit and be thankful for what God has done for us over the past year is worth every minute of planning and rehearsal.

May we continue to serve God in love and humility as we continue to strive to glorify His name.

"Revive us O Lord", so we can be "Lost in [the] Wonder" of your love.

Inside the mind...

I am currently reading a book titled Monet by Himself which is a collection of letters written by the famous painter Monet to his family and friends. From reading his letters, you are able to appreciate his thinking and understand him a little bit more.

I have always admired Monet and his works. His ability to capture the imagery of a moment in time and his perfect depiction of light and darkness in his art always captivates me. You can always experience his emotions when you look at his paintings, as your mind is able to be taken away to the time and place of the image before you. It has been a great discovery for me to acquire this book as I am able to understand this great painter through his communication with others.

If we are able to understand a person through their communications with others, how would our future generations understand us given the lack of communications nowadays. Most of our communications are in the form of SMS, instant messaging, emails or phone conversations, and I doubt any of these will be accessible records after the communicator dies.

Blood and Water?

Is blood thicker than water?

It is argued that family relations last forever, but friendships come and go.

But the opposite may also be true. Family relations may just be an imaginary concept. The concept by itself will not be able to bind a relationship together. You may feel a sense of belonging to a relative because you belong to the same family, but you may not have any relationship with that person. A friend who you have experienced ups and downs with may have a stronger relationship with you than a relative who you have no relationship with.

If we are binded to each other by our encounters and experiences, shouldn't friendship be seen as important as family relations? Isn't it ironic that a person who died without a will may result in a distant relative, who barely knew the person, being entitled to their estate, while that person's friends, who stood by the person during that person's last days, get nothing, not even a memento to remember that person by. A close friend's death would have so much more impact on me than the death of a distant relative in another part of the world, or an evil relative who has harmed me financially and emotionally.

Office tidbits

Some interesting observations about irony from every day life in an office of a large firm:

1. You don't know when your colleague is leaving. Most firms don't send emails anymore about people leaving for the fear of bringing low morale to the workers. A person in another group in the firm whom you have been dealing with for a matter a month ago may no longer be there if you contact them a month later. But the irony is that people coming and leaving is a fact of life in a large firm. Most people leave to go to other firms or overseas. It's just a fact of life. There is no need for a firm to keep things quiet.

2. Most firms nowadays offer a fruit basket for each floor for their employees to enjoy and stay healthy. The irony is that most fruits are gone in the first half an hour by eager secretaries who take three or four pieces of fruits each, while other people like us would never have a chance to get a piece of fruit.

3. Firms offer dinner and taxi rides for employees who work late. The irony is that we would rather do the work quickly than spend time eating in the office. We would rather leave the office and eat outside than being stuck in the office eating dinner while knowing that there are still work to be done after dinner. The taxi is not attractive either, especially if you know how some taxi drivers drive their cabs.

4. Firms offer a variety of functions - drinks, social lunches, etc - but the irony is that your attendance is encouraged but is dependent on your work commitments.

5. A typical office usually has more female than males. But the irony is that office romance is virtually non existent due to a number of factors such as sexual harassment policies, business at work, stress and frustration from work, etc.

What is love?

Alot of people look for love because they wish to escape the feeling of loneliness. Having a partner will allow them to have someone that they can relate to, both physically and emotionally, as well as someone who can care for them in times of need. They think that one can never be happy being alone and there is a need for a partner in their lives.

This is not necessary true for the following reasons:

1. Being alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. There are so many things you can fill up your lives with, such as hobbies, social activities, etc.

2. Having a partner doesn't necessarily remove your loneliness (if you are lonely) especially if your partner does not understand you truly. The expectation you have of them and the fact that they are not able to meet your expectation may make you more unhappy and distressed.

3. It is true that as you grow older, people around you may have their own families and children and if you are single, you may encounter some sort of loneliness. This will especially be true when you grow old and your parents will no longer be here, and you may feel more alone as you have no immediate family around you. But getting married doesn't guarantee that your partner will be there when you're old. Your partner may die before you do, leaving no offspring, and you end up being in the same state of being alone.


"What is Love? Love is not to be loved, but to love and not expect to be loved." (Gecki, 2006)

Endless tasks

Tasks that I have to do are endless.

Stuff to do for secular work. Stuff to do for church. Stuff to do at home.

So much to do. So little time.

And we still like to procrastinate.

Why??

Rude Boss - Part 2

The continuing saga of the rude boss.

In the last couple of weeks, there is a 180 degree change in him. He is no longer threatening or making reasonable demands. When I told him I was busy with other stuff, he extended the deadlines of my work and even offered to take back some of my work so I wont be too busy or flatout.

He even took me out to lunch at Cafe Sydney as an appreciation of my efforts. During lunch he asked me what type of work I enjoyed doing and we talked about religion. I didn't know that he was also a Christian and he attended some Eastern Orthodox church. It was an interesting discussion about the differences in my religion and his religion.

Today, he took me out to coffee and we just chatted about random stuff, like religion, literature and movies. He seems to be a nice person.

Even though there is a change in him, I still wonder whether this change is permanent, or whether he is treating me nice as he wanted to me to help him and work for him more. Maybe this is his way of trying to win me over to him. I don't know. Maybe I think too much. Anyway, at this point in time, I still do not trust him.

Or maybe he has no friends at work and wants to befriend me. I have heard that everyone knows of his rudeness and the way he acted when he first started, so maybe he is neglected by the other bosses in our firm.

All very interesting.

Global Corporate Challenge 3

The Global Corporate Challenge ended today. See my previous blog entries for details.

Our team has consistently been the team with the most steps within our firm for the duration of the challenge. However, in the past 10 days, we have noticed that the second ranked team of our firm has been slowly creeping up to us. They actually overtook us on the second last day, and we dropped to number two.

Some of our team members were very upset by this, and we vowed to each do at least 30,000 steps on the last day to try to push us back up to the number one spot in our firm.

I walked over 33,000 steps on the last day, mainly done on the treadmill at home at night. It was tiring. It didn't help that I had a medical procedure a few days before. Some team members did 44,000 steps on the last day. All went well. On the final day, after we submitted our steps, we ended up being the number one team in our firm again.

To be quite honest, I didn't really care whether we won or lost as this is not so important to me. But the thing that kept me going was the fact I don't want to let down my team.

Walking can really be beneficial. I should actually incorporate regular walking as part of my daily activity. Maybe I can do it if I sleep earlier and wake up earlier. Or maybe I am just too plain lazy.

If I can wake up earlier, I should also be spending time with God first thing in the morning. Maybe I should stop writing and actually try doing all this.

Gratitde 2 - reflection

Thank God that no major issues came out of the medical procedure and they have now fixed a relatively minor problem in me.

This whole experience brought me to realise a few things:

1. Life is short. We don't know when we will be taken away. Are we doing what God wants us to do at this point in time, or will we regret living our lives when we are on our death-beds? What do we want others to remember us by after we're gone? Should I do more for God? Full time ministry?

2. In this moment of crisis, I realised that my faith may not be as strong as I thought. I even questioned whether God was punishing me for my sins through this incident. This is a wrong perception of God - there may be no basis for adversity in our lives - look at Job. What is important is how we deal with God in times of adversity.

3. Thank God for the support that others have shown me. In times like this, it is very hard to tell people what is happening. Even when I tell people, some people would have no response or an inadequate response, which would upset me even more. There are some instances in life which we must face alone, and others can't really help us. However, the empathy I have received from a few people I greatly appreciated.

4. God has shown me that He was in this with me during this time through different events such as:
(a) my dream two nights before the procedure, where the song "You Rescued Me" was being sung in my dream, an indication that God will rescue me from this (which he did);
(b) the arrival of an email from a friend at a really desperate time where he was able to calm me down with words of encourage and support;
(c) my family arriving back two days before - the presence of people in the house helps to ease my mind off things;
(d) a friend who guessed the exact procedure I was having and told me about his experiences with the same procedure and his evaluation of the expected result, giving me some sort of comfort;
(e) a call on the night before the procedure from a woman who gave me valuable insight and support; and
(f) understanding from people at work allowing me to take time off to help me get my mind off things.

Gratitude

So much things have been happening in my life lately, the most significant being the potential for the discovery of a certain serious illness in me. The pending medical procedure happens in a few days time and I have been quite worried about it lately and the potential result that comes out of it, to the extent that I am not able to work properly. The whole anticipation has been so tense and stressful.

Have I lived out my life in a way which God wants me to live? Even if it turns out to be something treatable or minor, I will still need to think about how I should live the rest of my life. If not, then it may be too late. Have I made use of my time here? Have I used all the gifts that God has given me? How do I face Him?

Its hard for me to tell people about this, so if you are reading this and I havn't told you, don't take it to heart.

To those who have given me encouragement and support over the past few weeks, my appreciation goes out to you. It has been hard, especially when my family is not here at the moment. I thank God for providing me with support from the most unlikely places.

What is life? What is death?

What is life? What is death?

A living person can be regarded as dead.
A dying person can be regarded as living.

Doesn't all life end with death?
Isn't death a gateway to new life?

A living person rarely thinks about death.
But death is only a breath away for the living.

What is life? What is death?

Making bread

We only begin to appreciate what we have when we start doing things we normally wouldn't do.

Like making bread.

We take bread for granted. Just a few bucks and you can buy a loaf of bread from the supermarket, already made for you.

But do we know how hard it is to make bread?

I made bread yesterday, using flour and yeast. The whole process is a very messy one. The dough sticks to your hands. You have to wait for the dough to prove and rise, which takes a long time. And there is no guarantee that the final product is good. Not to mention the washing up afterwards.

It took me about 3 hours to make 12 bread rolls. The satisfaction of eating one straight from the oven was great. Maybe I was too hungry to notice the difference, but it is quite an achievement to turn flour into an edible bread.

Isn't it wonderful that we live in a world that is so convenient? We should be grateful of everything that we have.

Death of a Christian

What do you think it is like at the moment of death?

There is a story from a person who told his wife the moment before he died that he could hear angels coming to get him, and could see the heavens open and that the glory of God was so splendid. His wife of course saw nothing. And then he died.

There is also a story from a person who was full of fear before his death, screaming and yelling in fear before dying.

The difference between the two is that the former person was a Christian and the latter wasn't a Christian.

Why are we so afraid of death? If we are to be in the presence and glory of God when we die, why are we still seeking to be in this world? It may be a blessing if we are to leave this world early so we are less prone to suffer in this sinful world, as we are citizens of heaven temporarily living in this place.

Business and responsibilities

Everyone is busy, but when you have responsibilities, you need to fulfil them even though you are busy. You need to find ways to make more effective use of your time. Even when your responsibilities come about as a result of your voluntary actions, you should still abide by them no matter how busy you are.

Maybe people nowadays do not see the importance of their responsibilities. Maybe they don't even realise they have responsibilities. Maybe they are too accustomed to reliance on others.

I have never thought of relying on others to carry out my responsibilities even though I am really busy. I use what little time I have to fulfil them - on the train, during lunch, sleeping a bit less, etc. I don't complain as I know why I am carrying out these responsibilities and that I am not doing things in vain.

Maybe I am too nice to people, trying to relieve them of their responsibilities when I think they are truly in need after their requests, but in effect, if they genuinely tried, they could have carried out their responsibilities anyway.

If everyone gives up because they are too busy, then noone would take up any responsibilities, and nothing could be achieved. If this happened, would people wake up? Or would they just move on and learn to adapt and rely on someone new?

God works...

God works in mysterious ways... when you've finally submitted to Him and are willing to face your demons, He suddenly removes those demons from you so as to assist you in carrying out His ministry more effectively...

But I sense that the road ahead may be faced with more demons than what we can see...

Priceless moments from Melbourne trip

Not in any particular order...

1. First trip with my best friend from university.
2. Breaking my record of the most number of taxis caught within a three day period in Australia.
3. Getting on a tram in St Kilda which was going in the wrong direction, and realising it 10 stops later after talking to some old local folks.
4. Talking to a crazy man who climbed out of a bridge at Richmond and was hanging onto the bridge with his hands and being invited by the man to do the same (which I wisely declined).
5. Praying a prayer of unity at St Paul's Cathedral, kneeling at the same place where Pope John Paul II knelt in 1988.
6. Seeing the great Phar Lap in the flesh at the Melbourne Museum and reading about history of horseracing at the Racing Museum.
7. Experiencing the world of Picasso from 1935-1945 at the NGV International.
8. Sipping on a glass of Chandon sparkling wine with the best tasting vintage cheddar cheese I have ever tasted at the and overlooking at a magnificent view of the vineyards at Domaine Chandon Australia in the heart of the Yarra Valley.
9. Seeing lambs running around at the plains of the Yarra Valley and ordering a lamb shank for lunch at one of the wineries afterwards.
10. Dining at Ezard, experiencing their Japanese inspired oyster shooter and finding delight in dipping the bread into their renowned armesan, garlic and rosemary infused olive oil (which costs $30 for a 375ML bottle).
11. Dining at Pearl, experiencing their signature entree being pearl meat (at $44 per serve, costing more than the main course) and delighting in the taste sensations of the trilogy theme in their deserts.
12. Finding a store which sells Magic cards exclusively, along with rows of tables for people to play with others.
13. Understanding that the word "night shopping" in Melbourne only applies to shopping centres in the CBD and not to any of the shops and boutiques along Brunswick Street, Chapel Street and Toorak.
14. Experiencing the best coffee in the world in small cafes in many of Melbourne's small lanes.
15. Seeing fire at night from the hotel room every hour (fire being emitted from the Crown Casino which is just across from our hotel).

The only regret I have is not going to Melbourne's famous bars and jazz clubs. Oh well, maybe next time!

Insecurity of a leader

It is so sad to see some people being so insecure. They see their worth through their position at church, and when they feel threatened by someone else in relation to their position, they will start defending themselves and shifting blames on their opponents, hurting others in the process.

Our worth is not based on our position or on what we do. Our value comes from the act of Christ, who died for us and made us new. Whether we attain a position or not does not determine our worth or value. God uses people in different ways. If we are not able to serve him in a position in church, God will have other uses for us.

It is so sad that someone that I respect in the past can resort to slander and gossip about me, to the extent that such confidential discussions were disclosed to me as others felt that I've been wrongly accused. It doesn't help that alot of people may believe her because of her standing or that they are too unfamiliar with our affairs in our congregation.

Maybe her time could be better spent doing constructive things for our ministry as opposed to trying to drum up support for her from other people.

I guess God is in control over everything. We need to work together to address the true issues of our congregation. However, if the leader is only interested in pursuit of her own personal ambition and personal gain, I trust that God will reveal their true nature in time.

Wishes

As one gets older, one's birthday is no longer important.

When I was younger, I look forward to my birthday, on which I will get presents and wishes from many people. Maybe birthdays to young people are important and so people tend to remember each other's birthday when they are young. As I grow older, birthdays become just another ordinary day, and most people won't attempt to remember other people's birthdays. Maybe the more birthday you have, the closer you feel that it may be your last birthday.

Anyway, on a more positive note, it is nice when a few people remembered my birthday and sent me some kind wishes this year.