Unhappy lawyers

Lawyers are not happy people. According to a recent survey, lawyers are ranked 2nd in terms of being unhappy and dissatified with their occupation.

Why is that the case?

Although on average, we get paid more than some other occupations, alot of us do not see any satisfaction in our work. Especially being a commercial lawyer, you don't really seem to be contributing to the genuine needs of society. Looking at the partners at my law firm, they work so hard and they compete with each other so much, that most of them have family problems, with spouses and children complaining about the lack of time they are able to spend with their family. Is this where I want my life to be heading?

A recent email from an old friend in Hong Kong (also a lawyer) also shares the same concerns:

"I think about quitting my job every week but I just can't figure out what I want to do (because certain aspects of this job are still appealing to me)"

Later in the email, this friend puts things in perspective:

"But what about just focusing on what you enjoy doing at your current job? I mean these days I don't care whether I have done better than my colleague or I should do X because my colleague did X last time. I will just put in effort on things that I enjoy working on (although I have to deal with the other $hit that comes with it). You see what I mean!

Hey cheer up and you have done very well to get to where you are now."

I can try, but at the moment, my happiness at work is zero even after my promotion as I am still lost at where I want to go next.

Three principles

Had another session today with an external pastor.

Three principles when thinking about going from one church to another permanently:
1. Will you be able to further the gospel in the new church?
2. What impact will your departure have in the people of your old church?
3. What impact will your departure have on yourself?

Of course, these principles will need to be followed under the theological doctrine of the church. This is a topic that I should be studying.

Another wedding attended

Man.. how many weddings do I need to attend this year? After a while, all weddings seem very similar. It is at weddings that you meet some old friends you havn't seen for years, and usually they ask you questions like "Are you seeing someone at the moment?". What made it so bad tonight was the fact that after I answered "No", my friend then said to me "Oh, sorry, all my female friends are either married or seeing someone."

Weddings are also a place to meet people. The only female that I seem interested in getting to know was the cousin of the groom. I actually met her before at the bride and groom's engagement party, and I was talking to her then, and realised that she was still in Year 12. So tonight, I did not really talked to her, as I felt wrong chatting up a teenage girl. Oh well.. it is ironic that I used to tell someone off for liking an Year 8 girl (you know who you are.. LOL).

Set-up date

Well.. I never thought I would resort to agreeing to go on a date that was set up by my friend and his newly married wife.

Am I too desperate? Or do I want to try something new?

Maybe in our busy lifes, with work and other commitments, it is hard to get to know new people and to develop new relationships. I know a collegue who goes frequently to speed dating services, and she finds such services helpful, as you are able to meet 10 different people in one night.

Anyway, I arrived at the restaurant and sat down first. I saw in the corner of my eye a gossip-driven person working at the restaurant as a waitress. I was fearful that she could see what was going on. But luckily she served in another part of the restaurant so she never came near me.

Anyway, the date arrived by herself. She sat down opposite me, and as we were waiting for our friends to come, we had a short chat. She was reserved and both of us were a little uncomfortable. During our conversation, we realised that we had other common friends. The world is so small! Then our friends came, and the atmosphere was a bit more relaxed. All four of us had a friendly conversation over dinner and walked around for a while afterwards. Then I drove her back to her car and gave her my card, asking her to call me out for lunch when free.

One thing I wanted to know upfront was whether she was a Christian. So far, I knew she went to some kind of church, but I may have to enquire this further.

But the sad thing about the meeting is that I don't feel any sort of connection or spark with her. Is it too early to tell? Maybe I should take the speed dating approaching and not waste time if there is no connection? Or maybe I should get to know the person more first before forming such a conclusion.

Why don't you do it?

When I ask you to do something, I really hate it when you respond in the following way:

"Hmm.. why don't you do it?".

Well, if I have time to do it, I wouldn't be asking you in the first place. Maybe I should just do everything, and you can just sit there and do nothing. If you don't want to do it, just say "No". Don't try to make me feel guity by asking you. Maybe next time I should answer:

"If you want to do everything that I am doing now, then I will do this for you."

How much stuff do you do, and how much stuff do I do? I need a rest and a break too. So can you just help out when you can? And you call your responses a loving response to a brother in Christ?

Demotivated

Demotivated at doing everything.

I got the promotion I wanted. I don't know what I want now. The next level up is to partnership, which I do not find attractive at all.

I have been so careless with everything. No motivation to perform, or do things well.

Need to be motivated again.

Disconnection

There are times I feel disconnected. Disconnected with everything around me. Disconnected with my family, my friends, my surroundings. Any connection I feel is only temporary, and is only a partial connection.

There are times I try hard to connect. In alot of situations, the other party perceives that I have connected successfully. But from my perspective, the connection is only partial.

How are we to live in this semi-connected disconnected world?

Anticipation to a different life stage

It's only been a year since the last time I went to a party organised by my friend.

This time round, I am there for his engagement party, with the wedding in two weeks.

The same familiar faces from previous parties, but there are a number of babies there as well now. Some people now have partners. I remembered speaking to a person last year about relationships and how hard it is to find a suitable person. This year, he is there with his girlfriend and he asked me about whether I have a girlfriend.

I just received an email from Hong Kong about two of my friends getting married.

Everyone is stepping into a different life stage.

I am still here... in the same life stage as last year. Come to think of it, I am in the same life stage as the last World Cup.

Anticipation to a different life stage... is this due to peer pressure?

Swear?

I don't swear at work, or at home, or at church... but I swear whenever I play any type of sports... including hitting an unforced error in tennis, or missing the cue in snooker. Why? Am I too stressed everyday that I need to release my stress this way? Or do I lack self control? Oh well...

Global Corporate Challenge 2

Its been a few weeks now. The Global Corporate Challenge has been going on for a few weeks now. Sometimes its a pain to carry the pedometers around everyday but our team is doing well overall. We are now ranked 2nd overall in our firm, and we are in the top 200 in Australia (out of 2000 teams). We are all trying very hard to exceed our target of 10,000 steps per day per person. My boss walked in the rain last night to get extra steps in. I am jogging in front of the TV at night to get my steps up.

Actually, I actually feel a bit better after jogging. Maybe I have been too lazy in the past and my body needs exercise badly. I actually hope that I will become fitter as a result.

Promotion

I got my promotion, effective as of 1 July.

Do I feel happy and excited? Yes, I do. I actually feel more relieved than anything. I know this is the best year for me to be promoted, in terms of having a business case and the fact that there are a few clients who came to the firm through me this year when my boss was away on sabbatical. I feel good that I am able to get the promotion without the need to be involved in any major politics.

It seems like people around me are more happier than me about me being promoted. My collegues and bosses send me endless congratulations. My boss even brought me a bottle of wine.

But in my mind, whether I get a promotion or not does not affect my continous thoughts of whether I should continue working in this firm, or even in the industry. Maybe I am a person who likes to experiment with new ideas and new things, and staying at the one place or industry may bore me. The promotion doesn't really change much of what I am doing at the moment, so there is no real added challenge.

But no matter what happens, it is a testament to the fact that I am recognised for what I do and appreciated by the firm and its people. This has erased some of the past hurts I experienced in the early years of my career. Even though the process seems long, I still thank God for giving me the opportunities to learn through trials and develop me into the person that I am today.

I know that I am expected to bill and meet all my targeted fees and time now. I am not really fazed by it. Whether I am able to meet them or not depends on alot of factors outside my control. And it doesn't help that I have taken some pro bono matters on, which is not billable, but I feel really great in actually helping the people in need who have no money to pay fees. Maybe I should reconsider my career? But the issue is always monetary compensation vs ethical satisfaction.

Wandering Mind...

The cold wind blew across my face as I waited at the platform for my train. Looking out onto the harbour, my thoughts turned to her.

We havn't spoken or seen each other for more than 6 months now. Sometimes I would wonder where she is now or what she is doing.

I remembered a dream I had the other night. I dreamt that she and I were walking in a maze-like jungle, and we had an argument. We went our separate ways, but I was able to find the destinition first. After a while, she arrived holding a baby in her arms. I saw the baby crying and took the baby off her. Then I woke up.

As I tried to interpret the meaning of my dream, I heard the sound of a guitar from outside the station, playing the melody to 'Love Story'. The wind blew harder and the void in my soul grew deeper.

I remembered attending a wedding the other week, at which the pretty bridesmaid sat at my table. A guy on my table tried very hard to pick her up that day, which I later found out he failed. I remembered asking the newly weds afterwards about that girl and some of the other girls at the wedding. Was this a sign of desperation?

I realised that my life was very fulfilling, filled with so many things to do and with so many people. But I also realised that a part of my life was missing - a part of me that I am yearning to love and be loved.

I saw that I may be very choosy. Many girls have appeared in my life, whom I have shown no interest to at all. My head was filled with the irony about relationships in that they work both ways - you would be able to choose or reject another and they would be able to choose or reject you.

The wind continued to blow. My mind continued to wander into the eternally vast sphere of void and emptiness.

Support

When I'm young, it seems like support from others are so plentiful. It's a matter of whether I want to rely on people as support or not. Maybe I have very little expectations of what I want.

As I grow older, it is getting harder and harder for me to find support. Support that I have established in the past may crumble down, or disappear, due to unforseen circumstances. And as I grow older, I become a support for others, while still seeking my own support. Ironically, some of the people that I am supporting will in turn be the people I rely on for support. But these support seem weak compared to what I expect.

And as more and more support is removed from my life, I begin to find support in the most unlikely places. Ad hoc supports through chance meetings or random occasions.

Maybe as one grows older, the form of support changes until one can truly rely on our Lord, the Rock of Ages.

Gratitude

A friend borrowed a fairly large amount of money from me a few years ago, when he was in desperate need. I didn't know him that well, but he is a brother from another church who is a trustworthy person, so I borrowed him the amount. I have never asked him for the money back (nor expected to receive it back), but he met up with me today and repay a greater amount than the amount I lent him. He told me to keep the extra and consider it a blessing from God.

Its a good feeling to be able to help someone and being appreciated.

Mobile phone numbers

Have you ever gone through your contact list in your mobile phone. What do you notice? A long list of contacts, alot of whom you havn't contacted in years and that you have no intention of contacting them again in the near future? But you will never delete them just in case you wish to contact them one day.

Maybe we keep those contacts as they bring back memories. People you used to be friends with. Your ex girlfriends. Your ex collegues. It is so weird for us to ring someone we haven't seen in a while. What do we say? Maybe theres nothing we want to say to these people anymore.

Ironically, maybe half of those contacts are no longer here or have changed their numbers.

I tried one of those numbers tonight and the number seem to have changed.

Loving your enemies

As I blogged before, I basically dislike the new boss, with his bad attitde, lack of sensativity for others and his demanding nature.

The other day I was in his room. He had a invitation postcard from Ecom with an invitation to a talk about the Christian perspective on the Da Vinci Code. He said to me "Oh are you interested. If you are then I will go with you as I don't want to go myself".

I am now in a conflict. I loathe being with him, let alone to after work. I would be content to go to the presentation by myself. However, I don't think he is a Christian and so for the sake of him knowing Christ, I should tell him I am going and encourage him to go. I think this is a good practical application of "loving our neighbours". Who am I to judge when God freely gave his grace for me without judging me. I should at least give him the opportunity to receive this grace from God. Who knows. God may change him!

Global Corporate Challenge

I joined the Global Corpoarte Challenge with six other people from my group at work. Our firm has several teams participating in this event this year. It starts at the end of May.

The purpose of the Global Corporate Challenge is for each person in the team to walk at least 10,000 steps a day for four months. The steps are calculated using a pedometer. If a group achieves this, this would be equivalent to the group having walked around the whole world.

I actually thought it would be quite easy until I did a practice trial yesterday. I actually walked for an hour in the morning and the rest of the day I did what I usually do on Saturday and went out at night. When I came home, my pedometer read 10,500 steps. If I am to clock up 10,000 steps a day, I would need to walk an hour every day in the morning. I would really rather sleep that extra hour.

Maybe I can find ways of achieving that target through other means, like pacing while standing on the train. LOL


Global Corporate Challenge Link

Out of the church comfort zone

Churches tend to focus on things that happen inside the building. Relationships. Music. Equipments. Programs.

How much focus do we place on the people who are outside the church building. How much emphasis do we place on evangelism or cross culture missions? Most people tend to frown upon the idea of going out to the public. They come up with excuses of not being equipped enough. Do they remember what the Great Commission is?

When we are focused on the work of God, we would not be too concerned of what is going on inside the building. Yes, relationships and programs are important, but when we are out in the fields, we would not have time to be concerned about ourselves or how we could make things more comfortable in our church, as our priority is to win people for God. Our whole focus changes. We will be focused on God's word as we know His word is the source of our faith, and all programs or music will just be a means to understanding His word, not replacing His word. Relationships will then be built up with people who are like-minded, having the same focus.

God has provided me with alot of random people over the past few years which I am thankful about. These are the people I can share my ministry concerns with and who spurs me on and encourages me. They may not know me as well as some of my brothers and sisters at church, but they can support me in a different way. Because of the nature of such relationships, my association with them may be only be of an ultra short duration, but at least they provided support for me at a critical moment.

God is blessing...

Helpless 3

Just an update. My collegue's sister died yesterday. A card was passed around at work today. I didn't know what to write as words just can't comfort a person when their loved ones passed away. I also sent him an encouragement SMS tonight.

I feel even more helpless when you see someone walking away from their faith. When someone chooses the wisdom of this world over the wisdom of God, thinking that they have made the better choice. When someone can just ignore what God has done for them in the past and choose to keep God away from their lives, only to blame God when things go wrong. How can they make such a decision when they realise how much God loves them, and that our bodies no longer belong to ourselves since we have been bought by the blood of Christ? Shouldn't we be thankful to Him and learn to live a life that is pleasing to Him, not pleasing to ourselves, since we now belong to Him? When will they understand?

What can you do when someone who has been seeking God tells you that they have decided not to believe in God?

We are so helpless....

Crash

I walked home from the station and saw a young woman crossing the road at a zebra crossing. A car didn't see her, and crashed right into her. She was hit in the hips and bounced off the car and onto the road. I was so shocked that I yelled loudly "Fuck!!". The woman's father ran out (as he was on the other side) and the woman, to my surpised, picked herself up.

I just stood with them and told her to see a doctor as soon as possible. I left her my contact details just in case she needed me as a witness. Luckily the driver of the car was shocked too, and didn't leave the scene.

I saw other people just walked on by, even though they saw the whole accident. The sad thing was most of them that walked past without offering any help were Asians.

Helpless 2

Your collegue. You work with him everyday. You have lunch with him. You go to drinks with him. You go to social activities with him.

How do you react when you find out that his sister is dying and has only days to live? And you find out from his boss, not from him, as he only told his boss since he was taking leave.

All I could do was sent a SMS to him to tell him that I would be praying for him and his family.

He turned up at the office today, and he was in his room the whole day. When I left the office I went to his room, and talked to him. I didn't know what to say when he described to me what his sister was going through. All I could say was that he should spend more time with her and stop worrying about work, since someone else could do his work. I advised him to do what he felt was best so to avoid any regrets afterwards.

He then told me he wished he was religious so that he could feel better. I told him that being religious wouldn't necessary help in situations like this, knowing in my mind that it would be worse if a Christian sees his loved one, who is not a Christian, dying.

I thought of evangelising but felt that it wasn't the right situation to do so.

We are so helpless.

Friday blues

Friday afternoon - 5.30pm. He asked me to his office. He has just reviewed the fee proposal and structures paper that I drafted earlier in the day for the client. He wanted changes to be done straight away as he promised the client that we'll get back to him on Friday night. He said he will wait for it to be completed before he goes.

Friday afternoon - 6.00pm. Came out of his office, and asked the word processor on my floor to make those amendments, hoping that she can complete it in half an hour or so.

Friday afternoon - 6.30pm. Went to check on her, but she was surfing the net and told me she hasn't started. Stressed again that the work was urgent, and she started typing.

Friday night - 7pm. Was told that Word crashed, and that she lost two schedules from the paper. She promised that she will get another word processor from another floor to help her out.

Friday night - 7.05pm. Told him about the crash. He said nothing.

Friday night - 8pm. Everything is completed. All work checked and I went to give it to him. But he has already left. Started swearing. Why did he f*cking leave and not tell me and asked me to wait? What should I do now? If he said the work was urgent and that the client was waiting for it, shouldn't he wait around for it too?

Friday night - 8.05pm. Didn't give a f*ck and sent it as draft to him. Left office with collegues to drinks. More bitching about him.

Note: This is not the first time he did something like this. Makes me mad!

Shows

A good show engages the audience. That is why I got excited by shaking hands with Eason and Lam, and going out in the mosh pit to grab their signed tennis ball, as the atmosphere makes you want to do that. Normally I would not do that, but Eason was so good in creating a fun atmosphere.

A good show will continue no matter what happens. Eason and Lam continued their show even though they had to make small talks during the show to determine who sings first. We had to continue with our Good Friday service even though someone stumbled during the bible reading.

Audience is very important. During the Good Friday service, I was still reflecting on the sermon when sining the response hymn, and after the first line my mind went blank. Luckily, the audience was loud in their singing and that got me going again. The enthusiam of the audience in singing the songs encourages us to lead the service.

Atmosphere is also very important. During the Hillsong Easter service, the use of smokes enhanced the performance of Rebecca St James. We used candles and soft lighting to enhance the mood of our Good Friday service.

Once the show ends, there is a feeling of loss. This applies to the organiser of the show. However, even though the show has ended, its effects continue to live on in the hearts of the audience. Hopefully, the message of Easter is in the hearts of the audience attending the Good Friday service (just like Eason's songs are entrenched in my heart at the moment making me wanting to sing karaoke).

Equination part 2

The game is so frustrating!! You spend hours studying pedigrees of horses. You try to breed your mares to the perfect stallion. You look through the sales board to find cheap high quality horses that people discarded as they don't have enough patient. You build up your stable with quality lined horses, and you expect that after a few training sessions, they will do well.

But they don't. Some even went backwards. Why? They got perfect lines, and yet they suck on the track. Should I sell or keep training?

It is so ironic that the best horses in my stable at the moment are old horses aged over 10 years old. And these horses I should have retired years ago. All my new stock suck.

I need to have more patience to train them, and hopefully they can bring me back some money soon.

If you want to play, please log in through the banner below. Join up and become a basic member like me (free). I will give you a few of good lower level horses for you to begin with.

Knowing others

Just found out at drinks last night that one of our collegues is going through a really difficult time at the moment, as his sister is undergoing treatment for cancer. He did not tell anyone about it, even though he has been locked in his room looking really depressed and stressed out in the last few months. We feel bad as none of us knew what was happening, and the only reason one of us found out was that his mom rang, and he was not there to pick up his phone, and his mom left a message with one of the secretaries telling him that his sister was out of a cancer operation.

You don't expect to grow so close to people that you work with, but you do. You see them everyday, you talk to them and you work with them. You understand their strengths and weaknesses, and you form a special kind of bond with them. And when they are in trouble, you want to care for them, but maybe the work enviornment doesn't allow you to do that easily.

I feel guilty as I know he has been down, so I have been going into his room once in a while and talking to him about random stuff to take his mind off his stress, not realising that he is going through this. Maybe he just needs some time alone to think through things.

Ironically, you expect that love and care from a religious institution, not a corporate profit-driven law firm.

Helpless

We are so limited in our ability to help others. We feel their pain, we empathise with them, we show our care to them. But we are not able to relieve them from the emotional torture they are going through. Ironically, we understand what they are going through, and in some way you are able to acknowledge their situation, but its hard to find a concrete solution for them. Maybe we are all in the same situation already, and all of us are trying to find a solution. Such a solution may not come from a change in physical situation or the existence of a certain person, but may only come about as a result of our spiritual realisation.

Why?

When I first meet a person, and she is already dating, I would not even consider her as a potential partner even if we develop a close friendship, as I think that such actions are inappropriate and unethical.

Ironically, if they do ever break up, it will be hard to consider her again, since both of us see each other as friends only and it will be weird for another relationship to be developed between us.

3luv4all

Loving God, loving others and loving ourselves are not three separate kinds of love. You will need to understand and love yourself, before you are able to love others and love God. If you don't love others, you can't claim that you love God. These three loves are interconnected with one another and not indepedent.

Its easy to love people that we connect with. Its hard to love people that have a grudge against you or people that you can't stand. If we can't love them, we can't claim that we truly love God.

Office politics

Feel like being used as a pawn at the moment for office politics between the higher authorities. I should be diplomatic, but I can't since there is a strong sense of what is correct and ethical in this case. I can only try to escape by burying myself in current tasks, but I must face it eventually. The timing is all wrong as this may adversely affect my ability to be promoted.

And the irony is that the promotion only matters to me because I think I deserve it, not that I really desire it. But I still want it to happen.

Who understands the dilemma? Not even my collegue fully appreciates the situation. People outside the industry wouldn't understand either.

Showing or Lacking Love?

How much love do we show? Some recent observations about events happening around me:

1. People complaining others not showing love, but they themselves won't do anything but are only content in complaining.

2. People happily willing to spend the night at someone's place to play games and have fun, and they are more than willing to allow the homeowner to clean their mess in front of them afterwards.

3. People abusing our love and trust of others, expecting others to be there for them when it is convenient for them and ignoring us when we are of no value.

4. People only showing concern at events, but do not show any concern about the root cause of such events, and the impact it has on people. People only show concern to those who are directly affected by the event, but show no concern to us who are greatly affected indirectly by the event.

5. People not realising how much we've done for them and show no appreciation for what we've done, taking things for granted and abandoning us when things don't work out anymore.

The fact that I am posting this shows that I may be guity as well.

Reality of Full Time Ministry in Chinese Churches

At a recent training day, a pastor mentioned that you would know that you are suitable for full time ministry when someone is willing to pay you for it. Several issues flow out of this:

1. Would you be comfortable in taking money for doing God's work? And if you are, then you would want to do it well. But whether a pastor is doing his job well or not is very subjective. What is the measure? If the deacons think you are doing a bad job (but the congregation thinks to the contrary) and you are 'fired' as a result, does that mean you are not suitable for full time ministry? Or should you just change to a different church, although you are attached to the people you are pastoring in your old church? Or should you fight to stay in your old church for the sake of those people you are pastoring as you don't want to abandon them without a leader.

2. Demanding a certain level of remuneration is contrary to the idea of taking up your cross for doing ministry. And on one level you need to have faith in God's providence, but on another level, if a church wants someone that is good, should they pay them a reasonable amount to attract quality candidates to the role as a pastor. I am not talking about smaller churches, but those large churches who have more than enough funding but are not willing to put out the money to attract quality people to be pastors. Maybe this is a process from God for the individual to see whether they are willing to bear the costs of taking such a role. Or maybe we can learn from Hillsong churches.

3. Although in alot of respects, the culture of Anglo churches would suit us more than Chinese churches, the reality is that it is more effective for Chinese to reach to Chinese, even if we speak in English. Does that mean that we need to persevere and endure the inefficiencies of the Chinese church structure and have patience for slow changes to be made over time?

Equination

What better way to take my mind off troubles than playing online computer games.

I have always been fascinated by horses from a very early age. I like the way they move and the speed they get from racing. As I get older, I enjoyed seeing horse races, and later on, learnt about horses through the newspaper and the form guide. At one stage I was so familiar that I even looked at the sires and dams of horses.

I have never liked to gamble excessively, so this interest is purely for personal pleasure.

Anyway, I discovered a game at www.equination.net a few years agao. It is a very realistic horseracing game, where you are the trainer, and you train and breed horses and put them in races that rates from Starter Allowance level to Group 1 level. A very addictive game. I have asked my friend to look after my account for me for 1.5 years but I recently picked it up again, and its so fun, buying and training horses, and looking at their lines and trying to find a bargain and train a winner. Most of my horses are now quite old (over 10) and I have retired them to the breeding barn. Some are still racing at 14. Very unrealistic. But the whole game is really fun and time consuming but I guess if you are not a horse lover, you will find it boring and slow.

Discouragement

We are supposed to encourage one another and love one another as brothers and sisters in Christ. But often, the reality is more about discouragement between brothers and sisters than encouragement.

In church, if people do a good job at something, there is no encouragement from others. But if there is a small problem, people become critical and judgemental towards you. Why are we like that? Getting the congregation together to talk about how to improve the Sunday services through administrative tasks only results in expressions of personal opinions as opposed to finding a way to enhance our experience of God through worship. Noone talked about how we can be closer to God through worship. We just talked about insignificant things like how to better set out the bulletin. We did not even discussed how we can be drawn closer to God and glorify Him through worship, which should be the reason why we are at church on Sundays. We can say we would like this or that, but when it comes down to implementation, noone is willing to help. How can we change if we lack resources? Why do they even raise it in the first place if there is no solution? Why can't they understand that we lack resources and that I am doing the best I can with what I am given.

And how about parents trying to intervene with their children. If their children comes to me to talk about their problems, and as a mentor I try to spend time with them and talk to them, then don't blame me if they actually do something which is not what the parent wanted them to do. Ironically, in a lot of cases, I am only there as a listener, and try to direct them to think of the reasons why they do certain things. And in alot of cases, I am actually on the side of the parents rather than the kids. If the kids don't listen to me and go and do their own thing, why blame me? I've done the best I can. Ultimately its up to that person to make up their mind as to what they want to do. Why do the parents accuse me of swaying their kids away from them when in fact I am trying to do the opposite in most cases. Why can't the parents confront me about it, but instead they talk about me behind my back? Why can't they appreciate the fact that I spent my own personal time, often sleeping only four hours per night for the whole week, talking to their kids on the phone to help them in critical times, when their kids can't even talk to their parents about it. Why do they like to blame others where ultiamtely they should be the one who should be reflecting on why they were not able to communicate with their kids in the first place. It doesn't help if the kids are using me as an excuse to their parents to justify their own actions.

I actually don't mind people that try to do things and know their own limitations. I dispise people that try to tell the world they are doing everything, but in fact they have done nothing but talk. It is even more sad if all they want is power, and not willing to do anything. At least a woman with a baby knows her own limitations and enlists the help of others. What about the independent woman who tries to implement all these ideas and criticises others, but she doesn't even see that her incapacity in doing a simple task (such as teaching) is causing people to turn away from church. How can I work with this person, especially if I used to respect her in the past?

God, I am weak... let me see your glory and my own flaws instead of seeing the flaws of others... Amen

Streams of Praise 2006

My first time at a Mandarin Christian concert. I enjoyed it alot as I knew alot of the songs there. Thank God for giving me the wisdom to understand mandarin, so that I can have an insight into their sharings and prayers.

I enjoyed Hillsong more though, the atmosphere was more relaxed and people were more free to convey and express their emotions. Streams of Praise was a little forced in alot of respect, especially the actions to songs which they devised.

Looking forward to praising God with our voices as we live in His glory forever in heaven!

Hillsong Concert 2006

"How great is our God, sing with me, how great is our God..."

Seeing thousands of pepople coming together to praise Him, lifting their hands up in reverence to our Lord, dancing away for Him because we are free from the bondage of our sins. Being drowned in the music, as we reflect on our own relationships with God. Seeing people willing to be converted to God, through the gospel message exposed in the music. Seeing people releasing all prohibitions to praise and worship our God. All these are like seeing a slice of heaven on earth.

Although Hillsong has their issues such as the prosperity doctrine and commercialism of religion, most of us can still learn alot from them, especially from the way they worship our Lord. We tend to withdraw our emotions when we are singing praises to God. Maybe we should learn to set ourselves free, to come before God in worship just as we are, so that we can learn to experience God personally through worship.

I wanted to kneel down and thank God for his salvation during the songs about the death of Christ. I was happy dancing away when I realised that in the resurrected Christ, I am now free. As we sang the last song at the concert, I was trying to hold back tears as I remembered how great God is to each one of us.

It is disappointing that some people missed out on these experiences by attending the concert with preconceived judgemental ideas.

Cry of Battle

How do you continue to fight a battle when you are all alone? How do you fight when your troops don't even know that they are already engaged in battle? How do you use your troops if they are lazy and lacking experience, not willing to help or step up? How should you feel if your commander resigned, leaving all the troops behind without someone to lead them in battle, and leaving you crying out for someone to lead? How should you feel if other worthy generals leave as well, leaving the troops in the hands of unworthy generals who are there for ulterior motives instead of concentrating on the battle. How should you continue?

Should you still care for the troops if they don't even need your care, and don't understand how important the battle is? Should you still continue if the only battles your troops face are the battles between themselves?

Maybe our focus is not on inadequacies (whether they come from us or our troops) but on the true commander leading us, the Great One, who will lead us into victory. But maybe victory will come at a cost, a cost that may be too great for us to bear.

If noone is willing to pay the cost, then why is there a troop in the first place?

Maybe they will only appreciate when all worthy generals are gone. But even then, they may be too ignorant to know the difference.

Expense claims

Do people feel guilty claiming for expenses at a professional services firm?

Is it right for a lawyer to claim $150 for having lunch with a secretary of the legal counsel of a client, treating that as a client marketing expense. Is it right for a boss to claim $7 for having coffe with me, telling me that he will pay for my coffee, but in the end claiming it from the firm as a staff expense?

In desperation I claimed the following expenses today successfully. If other people weren't claiming everything, I would have paid for these expenses myself. But I felt so guilty after I claimed them, as I don't feel right in doing so. The expenses I claimed include:

1. Half of my airfare to HK - claimed to internal marketing, since the last time I went to HK for my friend's wedding, I actually did a presentation at our HK office.

2. Coffee with client - I knew this person before I realised that he is also a client of the firms. I had coffee with him the other day, and I kept the receipt. I claimed this as a client expense.

3. Bottle of wine with collegues - We went to a drinks night organised by the firm, and we stayed back afterwards when everyone was gone. Since all our bosses have left, they weren't there to pay for the extra drinks, so I paid for a bottle of wine for me and my collegues. I claimed this as a staff enterntainment expense.

Maybe I should just do my own thing and ignore how other people are exploiting the firm.

Farewell, pastor and family..

Its hard to imagine that four pastors have left our church in the past ten years. All of us should reflect why this is the case. Maybe our church has a whole has become too critical and judgemental, instead of showing compassion and appreciation for what our pastors have done. We failed in the lesson of submission, not allowing our pastors to lead our church, and reducing his role to a speaker and administrator.

Our current pastor and his family have just left our church. Its hard when you have developed a personal relationship with each member of the pastor's family. I guess its not like that I will never see them again. They are just a phone call or email away. But I guess the relationship is different now. I guess there used to be two levels of relationships with them - friendship as well as a relationship of being fellow workers in Christ. It is inevitable that both relationships will be lost, as we become busy with our own lives and serving in our own way.

Should I be angry at their departure, for not hanging in there and be more persistent? I don't know. But maybe I should have supported them more in times when they needed support. I don't know. Maybe all of us have a role to play in their departure and we don't realise it.

I guess noone is perfect, and that applies to that pastor and his family. But our pastor is God's annoited one and we should treat him as such. Respect. Love.

Is it ever right for a pastor to leave the church? I used to think it is right if the pastor was a church planter or when the pastor receives another calling from God. But thinking deeper, who are we to judge what is right or wrong? I guess we should trust God when a pastor leaves and trust on His provision.

Is it ever right for us to leave the church for another church? Maybe this can be a topic for discussion on another day!

Impressionism

The art works from the Impressionists era deplict nature as it is seen at a specific moment in time, emphasising on the emotions and feelings from the moment along with the effect of light on a scenery.

Attending the Pissarro exhibition has rekindled my interest in art. Each painting was able to transport me through time, back to the 1800s to a faraway place, where I am able to experience the smell of nature, the warmth of the sun, the smog from the factories, the livelihood from the markets and the stillness of the rivers. I was able to feel the heat of the sun and the chill from the snow. Each brush, each stroke and each blur deplicts a moment from the past, which I am able to associate with, more than 100 years later.

The experience was enhanced by my friend, who was knowledgeable in painting and who explained how certain effects on the paintings were achieved, giving a technical analysis of the paintings, which counterbalances well with my emotional outpour when reviewing these paintings.

Two and a half hours just flew by so quickly. And in a flash, we were back walking in the sunlight, in the real world, away from the gallery. As I walked down the street and used my eyes to look at the scenery around me, I actually preferred the perception portrayed in those artworks than what I was seeing in the real world, even though artworks are a mere reflection of the real world.

Maybe art is just another form of escape from the reality of this world.

Why some people don't want to share

People are expected to have deep personal sharings with others, especially at church camps and sharing gatherings. These are great opportunities for us to share with one another about our inner most feelings in order for us to understand one another.

However, there are reasons why some people don't want to share. A list of possible reasons appear below:

1. People are not close at all to one another anyway. If they don't have any close communication normally, they would not share deeply at an event that happens once a year.

2. Sharing in a large group may not be effective. There is very little time for a response, especially if the group is big. It is this lack of personal response from sharing something that is deep that discourages a person from sharing in such an environment.

3. There is usually no follow up after a group sharing with people. A person may share some inner most thoughts or problems. It is very rare for the people in the group to see how that person is going with their problems after the event. Everyone is busy in their own worlds.

4. Some people just want to know what is happening to the people around them, with no intention of caring or helping. They treat sharing as an information session, and so, the whole experience may be cold and unwelcoming for the people who shared deep things.

5. Not all people in the group have the experience or wisdom to understand the information in the sharing, and accordingly, they are not able to provide any constructive feedback or help to the appropriate people.

If we are to encourage others to open up and share, we should be willing to assist in the aftermath of such a session, by spending time to follow up all the people in the group, not just the few we are close to. How often are we willing to put our time and effort on people outside of these times? What right do we have to want them to share at an annual meeting if we don't even communicate with them through the year.

There are many opportunities in our daily lives for us to know the people around us. Maybe we should make use of these opportunities, instead of just relying on annual events or group sharings, which may not be effective anyway.

Opportunities

Sometimes I am accused of missing out on opportunities.

Did I miss out on an opportunity that has haunted me for a number of years afterwards? Should I have tried harder or even fight for it, as opposed to accepting reality and taking a step back? The feeling of loss and rejection surfaced deeping during the wedding, when all the songs they played remind me of those days.

Did I miss out on an opportunity that may have changed my life, giving me an opportunity to experience a different place and culture? Will anyone else in my shoes make the same decision I did? The feeling of loss and non-recognition surfaced when others took up similar opportunities with no hesitation, not understanding that I have given up my opportunity for them.

Did I miss out on an opportunity that may have changed the outcome for a family? If I would have taken a certain position, a family may have been saved from the hurt and depression from rejection and discrimination of others. The feeling of loss and rejection surfaced every time I am reminded by how the family was being treated by others.

Did I miss out on an opportunity to say words that are close to my heart during the life of a person? If I made more of an effort in communication, I may have shared deeper with that person, before they left permanently. The feeling of loss and guilt surfaced every time I woke up after dreaming where the scenes in the dreams contained that person as if they were on earth.

Maybe the only thing I should do is to grasp hold of opportunities in the future and don't let them slip away. There are always opportunities in life. But unfortunately, some opportunities happen only once in your lifetime.

Say the truth

Our lifes are covered by lies and half truths.

Why don't we all learn to say the truth?

To parents:
1. If you are not happy with my choices in life, just let me know. You can be supportive even if you don't agree with me. Even though I may still make those choices in the end, I just want the truth from you.
2. If I am unhappy and I don't want to talk about it, just let me be. Sometimes I need my own space!


To girls:
1. If you don't like me, just say it to my face. It hurts me more when you pretend to be nice and lead me on. I rather know the truth sooner than later. If you like me, be sure to let me know. I am tired of guessing games.
2. If I am busy and can't find time, then please understand. Sometimes there are urgent things in life that I need to take care of. It is not an indication that you are not important or that I don't like you.

To close friends:
1. If you don't want to entertain me, just let me know. It is better to reject me sooner than to hold me off and reject me afterwards. Since we are close friends, just tell me straight in the face without implying things which I may misinterpret. Also, if you don't want me to ask you things, let me know. I respect that you need your space and privacy.
2. If I don't want to talk about things, just let me be. It is not because I don't view you as a close friend. It is because sometimes I need to go through things myself and feel uncomfortable talking about it.

To bosses:
1. If my work is not up to scratch, tell me. Don't use flowery language and say that I am good but there are some points I need to improve. Tell me straight and let me handle it.
2. If I have an off day, try to understand. I may be having some personal crisis which may affect my work performance.

Isn't it ironic that we all go through the same things, but it seems like noone wants to say the truth to others.

Well, by writing this blog, and making things so generic, I am also not able to say the truth to people around me.

Understanding the pain

Who understands the pain
Of seeing people changing
And no longer can we confide in them
Who understands the pain?

Who understands the pain
Of the impact of physical separation
And resulting in a change in relationships
Who understands the pain?

Who understands the pain
Of realising that noone understands us
And we feel so alone living in this world
Who understands the pain?

Who understands the pain
Of seeing the person we love at a wedding
And realising we are only a guest and not the groom
Who understands the pain?

Who understands the pain
Of the feeling of loss and hopelessness
And not knowing what our purpose is in this world
Who understands the pain?

Who understands the pain
Of not knowing what happened to a person
And remembering the closeness we once shared
Who understands the pain?

Who understands the pain
Of seeing people close to us grow old and die
And the regret from knowing that they are eternally separated from us
Who understands the pain?

Who understands the pain
Of seeing people making the same mistakes as us
And not knowing how to help them in a way they find acceptable
Who understands the pain?

Who understands the pain
Of hatred towards ourselves for the things we think and do
And knowing how hard it is to change and renew
Who understands the pain?

Who understands the pain
Of betrayal of trust and friendship
And not able to see this until we have lost everything
Who understands the pain?

Who understands the pain
Of trying to express our deeper emotions in writing
And realising that we have not even scratched the surface
Who understands the pain?

Busy at work?

Alot of people like to ask me whether I am busy at work. Alot of times I don't know how to answer them. And the reason is as follows.

In a professional services firm, the firm measures your performance by the number of "billable" hours you have worked. You are budgeted to work around 6.5 billable hours a day.

Anyone that has been working in a professional services firm would be able to tell you that in order for someone to have 6.5 billable hours, that person would probably need to stay in the office for at least 10 total hours. The reason why this is the case is that alot of work we do are not billable work, like client administration issues (eg looking for files, drafting engaging letters and billing clients), marketing work (eg writing articles or submitting tenders) or administration work (eg team meetings, reading new legislation or drafting precedents). Only actual work done for clients (eg documents, advices, certain meetings) are billable.

On the days when I have not much billable work, I may be doing non billable work for the full day, but my timesheet reflects that I have not done any billable work. Therefore, I may be busy in my own eyes, but to the firm, I have not performed on that day, since I have not done any billable work. Is this fair? It's hard to say, but this is the environment that I work in.

Therefore, it is always hard for me to answer the question whether I am busy because of this distinction between billable and non billable.

It is the pressure to meet the budget of billable hours that causes so much stress and anxiety in professional services firms.

Animal Welfare

There has been an increasing awareness for animal welfare over the past couple of years. Wearing mink is becoming out of fashion due to the way the cruelty in raising these animals in small cages for their fur. People are being jailed for mistreating young animals such as kittens or small dogs if caught by authorties. The bogus website, Bonsai Kittens, caused a worldwide retaliation to the purported treatment of kittens in Japan. The list goes on.

Animal welfare activists argue that animals should not be mistreated and they have as much right to live without threat or restrictions as most of us enjoy.

However, they only apply their principles to certain animals. They rarely protest against farmed fishes, where many fishes are kept in a small pond with little room for them to swim in. Noone will arrest a little boy that uses a piece of glass to burn ants alive using the rays from the sun. Killing mosquitos, flies or spiders through bug sprays or pest control measures are not seen as acts of cruelty but are strongly encouraged. The list goes on.

These creatures are all animals. They have a right to live just like all other animals. Why are we preferring some classes of animals over others in terms of how we treat them? Why is it okay to kill a bug by ripping its wings off and tearing its body parts bit or bit, but not okay to bash and kick a kitten?

Shouldn't we have the same standards for all animals?

Ironically, in our society, we are all being mistreated by others. Our lifestyle is restricted by a number of factors such as our background, wealth and personality. People are being treated differently and some are being treated really harshly. We think that humans enjoy rights and freedom but in effect, we are no better off than the animals we talked about. Some of us are like kittens, protected by society, and any harsh treatments on them will not be condoned. Others are like bugs, being neglected and hated by society, some of which are destroyed or killed with invalid justifications.

Addiction

Our society is concerned about prevention of drug, cigarette or alcohol addictions, as we perceive such addictions to be harmful to people and will also cause a detriment to society resulting in an increase in crimes or violence.

However, there is an addiction prevalent among the youths in our society that we have failed to address. This is the addiction to computer games.

On one level, computer games are beneficial. Games such as Battlefield 1942 will actually allow players to learn about World War 2. Other games such as Civ IV or World of Warcraft enable players to think in a strategic manner. Games are fun, they are interactive, which in a way is more appealing to young people than a book or movie since a player can control and experience the world in the game, as opposed to being an observer.

However, games are highly addictive. Some people are so addicted to their games that they will spend all their time playing the game. They will stay in their rooms all day long, ignoring their family, their friends or any vistors to their house. It is not uncommon to have people playing online games for 16 hours per day, with a small break every now and then for toilet or cup noodles. They begin to lose all social contact and their only means of contact is with other players in the game by fighting with them and helping noobs to gain XP. They are so engrossed in their game that they will wake up in the middle of the night checking their auctions and racking up kills in BG. Their aim in life is to gain as much honour points as possible. They would feel that they have learnt all golden rules in life through a game, but all they've learnt are principles such as never trusting the Spanish, aiming in front of the target when Sniping, switching between a Pistol and a Shotgun can be beneficial if used correctly, and jumping of bridges with 15 health left is not a good idea.

Moderation (not moderator) is the key! Games can be fun but the world is a big place. Addicts should go out and experience it. It is bigger than the maps or campaigns in any game. They should learn to enjoy life by enjoying the company of others. Otherwise, there will be regret when they realise that they have a total of 3650 days spent on WOW, and no time with their friends and family, most of which will no longer be there when they realise this. Or maybe when their health deteriorates from tendinitis or other illness, they will realise the impact of games on their health.

We should all pay more attention to this type of addiction!

Random thoughts to end 2005

1. Silence - Sometimes people may need space and independance to handle their own problems. Trying to force people to express their feelings when they are not ready may lead to disaster. We should learn to respect people if they are not willing to tell us the things that are bothering them, but at the same time, show them that we care and support them whether they want to tell us of their problems or not.

2. Patience - In this instanteous world, all of us are losing this virtue in our lives. We want everything to be quick and instant. We want our MSN messages to be answered instantly or else we will 'nudge' the other person for a response. We expect SMSs to be answered quickly too, or else we will ring the person straight away for a response. We lose patience with people as well, as there are more opportunities for us to meet new people.

3. Competititon - Are we competing with others without realising this is the case? Do we compare what we do with what others have done, such as comparing a church function this year with the same function last year organised by a differnet person? Do we strive to win and beat our opponents, even in such things as a simple game of pool or simple board games? Are we competing with each other in terms of our life stages such as timing of marraige and having babies? Maybe thats a reflection of the society we live in - all of us are born to compete to be distinct among others - in the same way that ancient Greeks strive for 'honour' in their short life.

4. Talk - Everyone can talk, but will they action? Its easy to say things. Its easy to blame others. But do we 'walk the talk'? We seem to have a different standards for ourselves (full of excuses) than others (no mercy shown).

Treating people

Are we treating people right? We tend to hurt the people closest to us. Our family, our lover or our friends.

And in the same way, the people that hurt us the most are these people.

How should we treat people that are close to us? How do we show more appreciation for them? How should we love them?

In alot of situations, the solution is relatively simple. A mother yearns for her son to come home and taste the food she has made slaving over the hot stove for the whole afternoon. A wife yearns for her lover to return home early from work so that they can enjoy a night together. A friend yearns for his friend to understand him and be available for a chat or a drink when he feels lonely or upset.

But we tend not to do these things. We tend to tell our mothers that we will be home for dinner, but end up going out and getting drunk and not coming home at all. We tend to tell our wives that we will be home early, but we will hang around the office trying to finish off our work not realising that we have already worked past midnight. We tend to make excuses when our friends call us at inconvenient times, telling our friends that we are not available as we are too tired to talk or go out, or we tell them we will go and then change our minds at the last minute.

Maybe we are treating ourselves too well, and have neglected to treat well the people closest to us.

Relational habits

When you are single, you are free to do whatever you want, with no consideration for other people. You can make your own decisions, satisfy your own desires, and do what you want to do at your own pace and in your own time. Being single means you have more time on your hands, and you usually fill this time up with other interests. So your life will never be dull or boring.

If you have been single for a while, and you acquire a partner, you will need to readjust your life in order to "fit" that person in. This means forgoing some of your interests, so as to make room in your life for that person. This may be hard for some people to do, and so they will remain single until they learn to do this.

It also means that you may need to make decisions based on the interests of the other person, and not based on what you want. This may be hard, as you are accustomed to making decisions based on what you want.

This will be more difficult if the other person is also accustomed in making their own decisions and they may not easily accomodate your interests. This may lead to a compromised decision - a decision that both parties may not be happy with, since each party is accustomed to what they want normally. This may eventually lead to each party reverting back to their single lifestyle, since they are so accustomed to what each of them wants. It may be difficult for these people to find another person in their lives.

The opposite applies to a person who has been in a relationship for a long time. They are accustomed to having another person with them, and so when they break up, they have alot of free time. These people will tend to find another person relatively quickly after their breakup to fill this vaccum in their lives.

Need we say a word?

It started off with no words spoken. Our relationship with each other was communicated in feelings and emotions expressed through our mutual actions to one another. Of all the things we discussed, we never mention anything about our relationship with one another. Maybe we didn't think it was important, as we were living within the inner depths and realms of our emotions.

And then when I was hurt, and no longer able to confront her, all communications ceased dramatically. There were no expectations of an explanation. Maybe it wasnt important whether an explanation was needed, maybe we both knew that everything was over, feelings were being changed, and we no longer continued to live in the realms of our emotions. Maybe our emotions got a hold of us, without us really willing to accept each other in a way which we did not expect. Maybe we were too used to be individuals and tried to enforce our idealistic values on one another.

Maybe it is better this way as we may hurt each other more with the things we want to say.

Hurt...3

As I continue to wonder whether I will find the right person...

I attended a wedding on the weekend where I was asked "So when is your turn?" to which I could not answer... cos it hurts me inside...

and

I received a wedding invitation in the post today from a friend who is getting married next year... it doesn't come as a surprise, but still hurts me as I feel like I am alone...

and

A younger friend told me of his wedding plans in 2 years time... it hurts if I see these younger people getting married ahead of me...

*sigh*

Hurt...2

I guess what hurts more is the fact that I realised the person may not be able to be my companion for life, and that the person would not be able to support me in my life ministries.

So how should I deal with that? Confrontational approach? I am not that type!

The only way is to escape from the problem! Not seeing that person!! Not talking to the person. That way, I won't be reminded of the hurt or the spiritual incompatibility with that person.

And the way I am going about this is hurting that person. Maybe that person doesn't know what is going on. Maybe that person is hurt by my sudden withdrawal. And in a way, I am hurting that person in return.

But I can't help it, as this is the only way that I can deal with it.

Hurt

I am hurt, in multiple ways...

Hurt by someone so dear to me, even though that person still do not know that I am hurt.

I remembered that people used to say "Sticks and stones can hurt my bones but words will never hurt me". This is not true. Words sometimes hurt much deeper than any physical pains and scars. Words can be said in a way or manner that allows me to project a person's personality, and what that person will be like in the long term. And maybe I was hurt by what that person said, but I am more hurt by the fact that I may not be able to accept that person in the long term if that person continues to be like that. It hurts me to realise that I had thoughts of building something permanent with that person, but it seems like there is a side of that person that I have ignored, a side that I may not be able to accept. Maybe I expected too much from that person. Maybe the hurt comes from my false expectations in the first place.

It hurts more to realise time is running out on my side, to find someone... maybe I may never find someone...

And maybe by being silent, and not talking about it, and ignoring that person, I am hurting that person in the same way, as that person doesn't know why I am acting in a different manner from before.

And then when I try to share my hurt with other people, people that I care about and people that I thought cared for me, I am hurt by their responses as well.

I told someone the problem when it initially happened, but that person did not follow it up with me. When the problem escalates to the point of hurting me so badly that I am totally depressed, that person did not even realise I am in such a state, and continues normally, without noticing my depression or asking me about the problem. It is ironic that the same person can see this fault in others but cannot see this fault in themselves. The hurt goes deeper...

And what about the person who seems to care for me, and wanting to hear my problems, but on condition that I tell at a time that is convenient for that person. Well, I actually need someone when I am really depressed, not when I have figured things out myself. Where are people when I really need them? The hurt deepens...

The irony of the matter is that I have, in various times, been there for these people, but in times of my own depression, they are not able to stand by me and support me in a way which I expect. Maybe they think the same way about me, I don't know...

That is why all of us are so alienated from each other, in more ways than we can ever imagine. That is why our lives are full of emotional hurt caused by people who are closest to us.

"I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here"
(Excerpt from "Hurt" by Johnny Cash)

Building Trust

Building trust with people is important to establish a relationship with them. If we don't have a relationship with someone through mutual trust and respect, how can we show our care and love to them? How do we know what their needs are if we don't even know them? How can we possibily say that we are genuine in our love and care when they don't even have trust or faith in us?

So it is ironic that most churches advocate for their members to love and care for one another, especially new people, but in most cases, no relationship is ever built before one attempts to show such love and care, resulting in adverse consequences. Some examples follows:

1. A new person attends church for the first time. He gave his details as requested. After two weeks of absence, he receives a phone call from a "leader" of the church. The new person do not know who the "leader" was, and felt uncomfortable during the whole conversation as he had to explain why he did not go to church for two weeks. This experience put off the person so much that he vowed never to return to that church again.

2. A new believer has been attending church regularly for two months. She sees a number of people each week, but only a handful of people actually spend time to talk to her. One day, a person who has never spoken to her (even though that person has seen her around for two months) came up to her and said "Hi, you must be ##. I have been assigned to go through a course with you, so if you are fine, lets come to my place every Friday night for the next 8 weeks." The new believer immediately feels that the person is fake as that person did not express any love and care towards her previously, and the only reason why that person is doing the course with her is because that was the person's role at church. The new believer gets put off by that approach, and finds excuses not to pursue the course, which may have done her alot of good, if the person doing the course with her was someone she knew and trusted in.

3. A person has been attending church for a while, but due to his personality and nature, not much people talks to him. He is a person that needs alot of love and attention, and everyone is too busy to notice that. After a while, he feels disappointed and leaves church. To his surprise, he began receiving phone calls, emails, SMSs and online messages asking him why he has left the church. Instead of being delighted by these responses, he feels that all these people are fake, as they did not show any evidence of love and care when he was there with them, and by doing all these afterwards, he just feels that they are not genuine in their actions.

Maybe before we claim that we are showing love and care towards people, by briefly talking to them or by welcoming them, let us ask ourselves whether we are willing to spend the time with new people in order for them to build their trust in us. Are we willing to develop friendships with them that may require patience and endurance? Are we willing to be disppointed or hurt by them through the process? It is only when we have done these things that we have geniunely show love and care towards others.

Disappointment & Obligations

Disappointment comes from being hurt as a result of certain actions, by others or by ourselves.

When someone else is disappointed in us, it is usually because our actions have hurt them. It may be due to us not being able to meet their expectations.

But in a situation where our actions were not meant to hurt others, but simply done as a result of our obligations due to the role we play, then why would others be hurt? Shouldn't they understand that the actions were based on our obligations, and not based on them? Don't they know that we are also hurt in the process of fulfilling our obligations? Don't they also know that we are also disappointed in ourselves as we may be hurt from our own actions?

Then, why are they disappointed in us if they understand all of this? Shouldn't they see this action in a positive way as we are people of integrity, being able to fulfil our pre-existing obligations? Shouldn't they understand this?

Maybe it is because they think that we have another set of obligations to them which override our obligations from the roles we have. But if they expect all our pre-existing obligations be subordinate to our obligations to them, even when their obligations are trivial as compared to the importance of our pre-existing obligations, then maybe they should readjust their expectations. It is true that we may owe alot of obligations to them, but all obligations are relative to one another, and sometimes our obligations to them may be overridden by our general fraternal obligations. It is at these points in time that they need to understand and support us, not be disappointed to us.

Expectations...2

Humans have expectations. We have expectations from each other. Even if we wish to have no expectaions from each other, we are having an expectation of no expectation from that person.

We natually have higher expectations from some people over other people. And when these people do not meet our high expectations, we would feel hurt and depressed.

For example, at church, we may have expectations from our cell group to care and support us, but if they are not able to achieve that, we feel distanced from that due to the hurt that is built up from their inability to match our expectations.

On other occasions, we have really low expectations from some people. And when these people meet our low expectations, we would feel a sense of joy and closeness to that person.

For example, at work, we may have no expectations from our collegues to stay back at work at 9pm, when we have something urgent due ourselves. If by change, one of our collegue stays back, we would feel a sense of closest to that person, since his or her presence was out of our expectation.

But ironically, people who we have lower expectations of are not supposed to be close to us, and due to the misunderstanding of our relationships and the meeting of different expectations, we quickly increase our expectations from these people, which they may not be able to meet, resulting in us to think that all people around us are unable to meet our expectations.

Blind spots... 3

So if we realise that everyone has blind spots, should we be more accomdating of others, and more accepting of others? Sometimes, no matter how many times you tell a person of their blind spot, they will still not be able to register what you say to them, as in their mind, they will not be able to comprehend about the fact that they have a blind spot. How should we deal with it?

At first we may have compassion and may even emphasise with them. After all, we realise that all of us have blind spots. And as the problem continues, we begin to get frustrated at the person, and may even give up, as we think that person cannot be changed because their blindspot is too great for them to realise.

But maybe the person who should change is ourselves. Maybe we should just accept that everyone is weak, and that we must accept people as they are, with all their blindspots attached. We should learn to bear with them if we value their relationship with us. Afterall, maybe it is our own blindspot that is affecting the way we see them.

I know this is all fine in theory, but in practice, it is still difficult...

That is why I admire my God, who despite all our flaws and weakness, continues to hold out His arms for me, even though I continue to fall at the same spot so many times. He continues to take me back no matter how hard I fall, and how low I become. He continues to be there for me, no strings attached, and continues to see me as His child, even though I have long forgotten Him.

And in my view, we should learn to treat others and accept them in the same way!

Blind spots...2

As we steer through life, we will encounter many people along the way. We will have opportunities to know people and to develop relationships with them. We may even know a person well enough to realise his or her blind spots. We may even inform them of this, but usually their reaction is of a defensive nature as they may not realise that this is the case. And in the same way, we become defensive when others tell us our blind spots, as we think that other people have misjudged us. But is this the case, are we so blind that we may not realise the truth is there right in front of us?

But maybe deep inside, we know all this. We realise there may be truth in what others are telling us. But we make excuses for ourselves. We justify ourselves in a number of ways. And all this justifications and excuses provide greater cover for our blind spots, and we continue to steer through life not watching out for our blind spots, until one day, we crash and burn...

And then, its already too late to change!

Blind spots

We were all taught by our driving instructors to look out for blind spots when we are changing lanes or making a turn.

In the same way, when we are steering through life, do we look out for our blind spots?

We can easily spot out other people's blind spots, but we tend to ignore our own blind spots. We express dislike at the weakness of others, but when will we realise that we have the same weaknesses as them? We become angry when someone hurts us, but do we realise that we constantly hurt others? When can we learn to accept others for the way they are?

Maybe the first step to accepting others is for us to accept ourselves. We need to know our true selfs, before we are able to accept ourselves.

The way we accept our true selfs is for us to realise that we have weakness and blindspots.

However, we seem to trivilise their blindspots, or we may not be able to spot out all of our major blindspots. We trick ourselves into thinking we have accepted ourselves but in reality we have not even realised our own personal major flaws.

The only way for us to recognise our true blindspots is for us to crash and burn while steering through life. It is only through traumatic experiences caused by our blindspots that we are able to have a glimpse of what our blindspots are.

Easy way out

Alot of people take the easy way out... maybe lack of patience is a by-product of our society today which focuses on instant gratification!

They take the easy way out when dealing with problems... they just avoid facing them.

They take the easy way out in doing things in their life... they just stay in their comfort zone.

They take the easy way out in everything they do... they do mundane tasks over and over again and never think into deeper thoughts of WHY or HOW. Or they think they do, but in reality they are only thinking of deep thoughts within their comfort zone and rarely venture out into anything out of their comfort zone.

But the irony is that there is no easy way out. When we try to take the easy way out, deep in our hearts, and deep in our minds, we know there is a possibility of another way, a way full of danger but also excitement, a way through of uncertainty but also adventure. We haven't lived until we stop taking the easy way out!

Appreciation

On the one hand, we know we are serving because of God.

On the other hand, we desire for our efforts and hard work to be appreciated.

Instead, everyone is too busy to notice what other people are doing for them, and alot of people are not shown any appreciation by anyone. The only time when people will notice what a person is doing is when something goes wrong, and that person will get criticisms. No one will remember that person when things run smoothly though.

Isn't it ironic that in the workforce nowadays, people are more valued. Most companies at least give their employees incentives to work hard - bonuses, after hour meals and taxi rides, morning tea for birthdays, gifts at Christmas, etc - but at church, what do people get? Complaints? Grumbles? Grudges?

Although we are serving God, and our reward lies with Him, being appreciated is a way for God's love to be communicated among us. Maybe we should learn to appreciate people that serve us, even though they may not be doing the best job, as this is a way for us to show God's love towards one another.

Maybe thats the support that we all need in order for us not to burn out in ministry.

Missing time

Yesterday I was on the train, coming home from work. I looked out the window and I saw that the train was at a station which was 4 stations away from the station that I needed to get off. I looked at my watch and it was 7:20pm. So in my mind, I knew that I have about 7 minutes before the train reaches my station, and so I decided to take out a book from my bag to read. After I read only one paragraph from the book, I noticed that the scenery outside looked familiar, and I realised that the train was about to arrive at my station. I looked at my watch and it was already 7:28pm. How come I have no recollection of the 8 minutes? Where did the time go?

Silence is golden

We live in a world where we communicate with each other through words, whether written or oral. Is this the most effective form of communication? Words can be misleading or deceptive. They may have unintended connotations. They may even be easily miscontrued through the wrong use of accents or punctuations.

Maybe silence is the most effective form of communciation. Maybe we should use our feelings to express our inner most emotions and desires in silence. Although silence may still be miscontrued, feelings can be effectively communicated if they are reciprocated or a connection is formed between the communicators. Expression of feelings through silence also saves time and can be as direct or as indirect as the communicator wants.

But the reason why we still use words is maybe because we want our feelings to be confirmed in words.

Escape

Sometimes people complain that they want to go somewhere and escape from their everyday life.

But in a sense, our everyday life is our form of escape.

We fill our lives with many things. We make ourselves busy with work, relationships and hobbies. We spend all our time doing every day things and we complain about not having enough time to ourselves.

But the true reason why we are filling ourselves with so many things is because we are escaping from reality, from thinking about the true issues in life, from thinking about the questions of life and death.

Maybe we all learn that tackling these complicated issues in life will bring us much grief and stress, while escaping from these thoughts with everyday trivial things making us busy, will bring stability. And on top of that our escapes from our escape will give us short moments of joy and fun.

Maybe it is much happier to be a simple person who escapes for most of their life, then a person who thinks and analyses about such complex issues for most of their life.

But the irony of the whole situation is this:
The more you try to escape, the harder it is to escape.

Warmth

How is this feeling or sensation expressed?

Through wearing enough clothes in winter?
Through sleeping with lots of blankets at night?
Through a hot shower in the middle of winter?

Or

Through someone showing their love and care for you in doing everyday things

Like cooking for you
Like spending time with you
Like sitting and chatting with you
Like noticing a fluff has fallen on your clothers and removing it for you
Like sending you a SMS to see if you have driven home safely
Like saying those three little words we are all longing to hear

Behind the exterior

Behind the smiling faces, the warm handshakes and the beautiful voices of this organisation...

1. Jealousy. He is jealous of her because she seems to be talented in everything whereas he has no gifts or talents that are appreciated by others.

2. Anger. He is angry over the way she went about and did things her way without consulting with him.

3. Betrayal. She feels betrayed as he told everyone her secrets which she told him when she was depressed.

4. Hurt. He is hurt as he was not told the real reason why he was not allowed to become a member of the organisation, whereas everyone else knew the real reason.

5. Disrepect and revolt. He does not respect her, as he feels that she does't deserve to be in the position she is in at the moment. At any moment now, he will try to remove her from that position.

....

and this organisation is supposed to be a place where God's love is shown.

Sorry

Most of us have a tendency to explain or seek an explanation when things don't go wrong. Is this always the best way to resolve a problem?

When we do something that causes others to feel hurt or rejected, we try to explain our actions. But if the person is feeling hurt or rejected, that person doesn't care about our explanations. That person only wants to hear one word - SORRY.

When someones tells us that they are depressed over a situation, we try to ask them a reason why they are depressed. But the truth of the matter is that the person is actually experiencing these feelings, and what is the use to ask that person to explain why he or she is feeling that way. That person only wants us to feel one thing for him or her - to feel SORRY.

To say SORRY or to feel SORRY for someone - is it that hard to do?

Maybe it is hard to say such a word as we need to humble ourselves and admit we are wrong. Maybe it is harder to feel that way for another person, as we are not even interested in other people in the first place.

Maybe in a sense, we are all living in this tragic world, and would like someone else to say SORRY or to feel SORRY for us.

Rational feelings

On the border of rationality and feeling...

The heart feels right, the heart feels happy, the heart wants to go deep into it, to experience the happiness and wonder of love...

The head is rational, the head remembers past hurts, the head wants more time to think and analyse...

How should one resolve these conflicting elements existing inside oneself? Is there anything called "rational feelings"?

Expectations

We all have expectations of each other.

As an employee, you are expected to behave in a certain way. You are expected to have certain skills and knowledge which reflects the level of your seniority in the organisation you work in. As a professional, you are expected to work or bill a minimum number of hours. And in order for you to continue your employment, you strive to meet these expectations.

As a leader or mentor, you are expected to have certain level of knowledge, and be readily available to the people that you care for. As a partner, you are expected to love your other half and be there to care and support him or her. As a friend, you are expected to do the same thing, but maybe on a different level. And because of your love for others, you try to meet these expectations.

We all try to meet the expectations of others. But ironically, we all feel that others are not meeting our expectations of them. Is it too much to expect others to show initiative to care for me and my problems, and not just telling me their own problems and expecting to me care for them? Is it too much to expect others to do to me what I would have done for them? Is it too much to expect a call, an sms or a msn message to inform me of what I need to know, instead of me always trying to contact them to find out what I should have been told and what I should have known in the first place? Is it too much to expect love in return for the love I give out?

Maybe true love for others is a love without expectations, a love that involves giving your all without expecting any return. Any return you get should not an expectation. Maybe we should not have any expectations from others at all?

Service vs Servicing

Alot of people focus on providing a good "service" - being friendly, being helpful and being approachable.

But if a good service is not supplemented by "servicing" - being able to respond to the request of clients or customers - then, no amount of good service will bring the client or customer in if servicing is not avaiable.

In our work, we can be friendly to clients, but we also need to be able to provide quality work for our clients by responding to their needs.

In church, we can be friendly to people, but we also need to understand the needs of the people in our church, not just giving them what we think they need.

Ironically, in alot of situations, all we are able to give to people at church is a forced smile. We are not willing to dig deep to understand others since it takes time and the rewards are low and not instanteous. Maybe that is why so many prefer to serve in music ministry (where there is instant gratification) instead of other roles such as discipling people (where the result may not be evident until many years down the track).

Controversy in praying

When a little Christian girl is sick, and is on the borderline of death and life, how should we pray?

Most people will pray for her recovery, for God's healing and for God's comfort for the girl.

However, even if God takes the girl away, is that such a bad thing? The innocent girl will be with Jesus, and will escape from the pain of this world. She will enjoy the eternal relationship with our Lord instead of struggling with sin in this world as she grows up. Wouldn't it be better for her to be taken away from this evil world where we do not belong?

Maybe the reason why we pray for recovery is for our own self interest - we want to see the little girl grow up, or we don't want to lose the girl. But maybe from the point of view of the girl's interest, it would be better for her to be in heaven.

The only prayer we should pray may be for God's will be done.

What do I want for my birthday?

When I was young, I looked forward to my birthday. I looked forward to the red boiled egg I would receive from my primary school. I looked forward to the great party food I would be having including pineapple sausages. I looked forward to my birthday cake especially if it was a black forest cake. I looked forward to a gathering of friends and relatives, enjoying their company and their love for me. I looked forward to the presents I would receive, especially if they were digital gadgets or games.

As I grow older, birthday celebrations become less and less important in my life. Sometimes it becomes a chore for me to organise my own birthday party. When I was 21, I held a large birthday party more to entertain my friends than for me to enjoy as I did not want to be the odd one out for not having a proper 21st birthday party. As I begin to work, I realise that presents are not important to me anymore, as I am able to buy what I want whenever I want.

My most memorable birthday was last year, when it was also the day before my father had a major operation. I did not really celebrate it, but just had a small gathering with friends a few days before. I did not care about my birthday last year as my thoughts and prayers were all centred on my father.

As my birthday approaches in 10 days time, what do I want? I am not looking forward to receiving extravagant gifts. If you ask me for a specific gift, it will be simple things like a money clip or the new Coldplay CD. Maybe what I really want is for people to just send me a simple wish or acknowledge their appreication for what I mean to them. Maybe as I grow older, I tend to value relationships with people around me more than materialistic gifts.

Living in the past

"Don't live in the past! Move on and look to the future!"

Most of us would have heard this statement in one form or another before. But how true is this statement?

All of us are constantly living in the past. Our brain is filled with thoughts, mostly of memories from the past. The intensity of our feelings increases as we are invoked by memories or feelings from the past. Our whole character is being moulded by our past experiences. Our past affects the way we look to the future.

How can we not live in the past?

Ironically, the more we try to forget about the past, the stronger the memories become.

Maybe we can only experience the present and the future once the present and the future becomes the past.

Leaving on a jet plane

In our age and culture, we are accustomed to people around us moving to another country to work. Every time someone leaves us, we feel a sense of loss, as we know that when they are not physically present with us, our relationship with them may change. Even though technology is advanced with the advent of emails and online messaging, there is a difference between someone physically beside you and someone who is far away in another place using technological means of communication. Technology can only bring people to a certain level, but true closest is having people around you who are experiencing what you are going through, as opposed to someone who is only receiving a report of what has happened. That is why whenever someone close to me leave to work or live in another place, I feel a sense of loss as I know that my relationship with that person may change as a result.

What is most tragic is the fact that each relationship with a person is unique and no other person can actually replace any relatioship that has been tainted due to the absence of physical contact.

In the minds of the terrorists

New information was releaased in London as to the identity of the people involved in the bombings in London. These people were your average local English people, born or raised up in the UK in an ethnic family, with similar tastes and interests as other Brits. Why would they do such an act?

Maybe they understood how alienated they were from society. Although they all had things to do in life, they didn't know what they were doing here in life. Maybe they were not able to find fulfilment in life. They didn't have a purpose in life. Even though they had family and friends aroudn them, these family and friends would be concerned about the trivial things in life, like what to wear or where to eat, but couldn't give them an answer as to why they were here in life. And as they try to search within themselves, they searched back to their roots, to the origin of their family, and rediscovered their religion in a new meaningful way. Given the state they were in, it would only take a few people to convince them to die, if they were convinced that their death would serve as a purpose of why they were born in this world. If they believed that through death, they could bring salvation to their family, they would sacrifice their lives. If they believed that through death, their life would have meaning and that they were able to escape from this meaningless world, they would do it. If deep in their hearts, they knew that alot of ordinary people feel the same way, and that death is just an escape for these people as well from this world we live in, they would carry out the attacks with no hesitation.

If we understood these emotions and feelings, maybe each one of us has a potential to be a terrorist.

Attacks

Nearly four years ago, I sat in awe as I watched the drama unfold on TV. Planes were crashing into the World Trade Centre at New York. People were jumping off buildings, smoke was everywhere, and the buildings actually collapsed right in front of my eyes during the live coverage. I was shocked, dumb founded and worried about people I know that might be there. I can so relate to something happening like that, innocent people in their offices, dying knowing the reason why.

Tonight, I found out as I was staying back at work that there was a bomb attack in London. As I read the internet sites, horror filled my heart. I kept saying the word "FUCK" repeatedly. I actually know people that are in London, working there, living there, and some of them are my very close friends. I have been to London before, and I actually know those places where the bombs went off. I can imagine what was happening and how chaotic it must have been. I am still in shock and am still waiting on news from some of them including one of my close friends who is over there for a three month work experience.

But it seems like life goes on for alot of people. When I went online tonight, noone seems to care about the attacks. Some of them don't even know what was happening even though this would be one of the biggest news of the year. I guess most of us are still living in our own "no man's land".

Empathy

"The most valuable things in life are not measured in monetary terms. The really important things are not houses and lands, stocks and bonds, automobiles and real state, but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy, mercy, love and faith." (Bertrand Russell, 1872-1970)

How often in our most distressed times are we able to experience empathy from other people? How often do we experience sympathy from others but not empathy from others.

Empathy is the ability to "glow for other's good, and melt at other's woe". It is not just the ability to listen to people, but to experience with them what they are experiencing. Maybe people are too self focused nowadays to develop an empathy for other people.

In the same way, do we emphasise with other people? Or are we also too self focused on our own problems.

Maybe the irony of all this is the fact that we are all too self focused on our own individual needs, which results in our longing for others to empathise with us.