Set-up date

Well.. I never thought I would resort to agreeing to go on a date that was set up by my friend and his newly married wife.

Am I too desperate? Or do I want to try something new?

Maybe in our busy lifes, with work and other commitments, it is hard to get to know new people and to develop new relationships. I know a collegue who goes frequently to speed dating services, and she finds such services helpful, as you are able to meet 10 different people in one night.

Anyway, I arrived at the restaurant and sat down first. I saw in the corner of my eye a gossip-driven person working at the restaurant as a waitress. I was fearful that she could see what was going on. But luckily she served in another part of the restaurant so she never came near me.

Anyway, the date arrived by herself. She sat down opposite me, and as we were waiting for our friends to come, we had a short chat. She was reserved and both of us were a little uncomfortable. During our conversation, we realised that we had other common friends. The world is so small! Then our friends came, and the atmosphere was a bit more relaxed. All four of us had a friendly conversation over dinner and walked around for a while afterwards. Then I drove her back to her car and gave her my card, asking her to call me out for lunch when free.

One thing I wanted to know upfront was whether she was a Christian. So far, I knew she went to some kind of church, but I may have to enquire this further.

But the sad thing about the meeting is that I don't feel any sort of connection or spark with her. Is it too early to tell? Maybe I should take the speed dating approaching and not waste time if there is no connection? Or maybe I should get to know the person more first before forming such a conclusion.

Why don't you do it?

When I ask you to do something, I really hate it when you respond in the following way:

"Hmm.. why don't you do it?".

Well, if I have time to do it, I wouldn't be asking you in the first place. Maybe I should just do everything, and you can just sit there and do nothing. If you don't want to do it, just say "No". Don't try to make me feel guity by asking you. Maybe next time I should answer:

"If you want to do everything that I am doing now, then I will do this for you."

How much stuff do you do, and how much stuff do I do? I need a rest and a break too. So can you just help out when you can? And you call your responses a loving response to a brother in Christ?

Demotivated

Demotivated at doing everything.

I got the promotion I wanted. I don't know what I want now. The next level up is to partnership, which I do not find attractive at all.

I have been so careless with everything. No motivation to perform, or do things well.

Need to be motivated again.

Disconnection

There are times I feel disconnected. Disconnected with everything around me. Disconnected with my family, my friends, my surroundings. Any connection I feel is only temporary, and is only a partial connection.

There are times I try hard to connect. In alot of situations, the other party perceives that I have connected successfully. But from my perspective, the connection is only partial.

How are we to live in this semi-connected disconnected world?

Anticipation to a different life stage

It's only been a year since the last time I went to a party organised by my friend.

This time round, I am there for his engagement party, with the wedding in two weeks.

The same familiar faces from previous parties, but there are a number of babies there as well now. Some people now have partners. I remembered speaking to a person last year about relationships and how hard it is to find a suitable person. This year, he is there with his girlfriend and he asked me about whether I have a girlfriend.

I just received an email from Hong Kong about two of my friends getting married.

Everyone is stepping into a different life stage.

I am still here... in the same life stage as last year. Come to think of it, I am in the same life stage as the last World Cup.

Anticipation to a different life stage... is this due to peer pressure?

Swear?

I don't swear at work, or at home, or at church... but I swear whenever I play any type of sports... including hitting an unforced error in tennis, or missing the cue in snooker. Why? Am I too stressed everyday that I need to release my stress this way? Or do I lack self control? Oh well...

Global Corporate Challenge 2

Its been a few weeks now. The Global Corporate Challenge has been going on for a few weeks now. Sometimes its a pain to carry the pedometers around everyday but our team is doing well overall. We are now ranked 2nd overall in our firm, and we are in the top 200 in Australia (out of 2000 teams). We are all trying very hard to exceed our target of 10,000 steps per day per person. My boss walked in the rain last night to get extra steps in. I am jogging in front of the TV at night to get my steps up.

Actually, I actually feel a bit better after jogging. Maybe I have been too lazy in the past and my body needs exercise badly. I actually hope that I will become fitter as a result.

Promotion

I got my promotion, effective as of 1 July.

Do I feel happy and excited? Yes, I do. I actually feel more relieved than anything. I know this is the best year for me to be promoted, in terms of having a business case and the fact that there are a few clients who came to the firm through me this year when my boss was away on sabbatical. I feel good that I am able to get the promotion without the need to be involved in any major politics.

It seems like people around me are more happier than me about me being promoted. My collegues and bosses send me endless congratulations. My boss even brought me a bottle of wine.

But in my mind, whether I get a promotion or not does not affect my continous thoughts of whether I should continue working in this firm, or even in the industry. Maybe I am a person who likes to experiment with new ideas and new things, and staying at the one place or industry may bore me. The promotion doesn't really change much of what I am doing at the moment, so there is no real added challenge.

But no matter what happens, it is a testament to the fact that I am recognised for what I do and appreciated by the firm and its people. This has erased some of the past hurts I experienced in the early years of my career. Even though the process seems long, I still thank God for giving me the opportunities to learn through trials and develop me into the person that I am today.

I know that I am expected to bill and meet all my targeted fees and time now. I am not really fazed by it. Whether I am able to meet them or not depends on alot of factors outside my control. And it doesn't help that I have taken some pro bono matters on, which is not billable, but I feel really great in actually helping the people in need who have no money to pay fees. Maybe I should reconsider my career? But the issue is always monetary compensation vs ethical satisfaction.

Wandering Mind...

The cold wind blew across my face as I waited at the platform for my train. Looking out onto the harbour, my thoughts turned to her.

We havn't spoken or seen each other for more than 6 months now. Sometimes I would wonder where she is now or what she is doing.

I remembered a dream I had the other night. I dreamt that she and I were walking in a maze-like jungle, and we had an argument. We went our separate ways, but I was able to find the destinition first. After a while, she arrived holding a baby in her arms. I saw the baby crying and took the baby off her. Then I woke up.

As I tried to interpret the meaning of my dream, I heard the sound of a guitar from outside the station, playing the melody to 'Love Story'. The wind blew harder and the void in my soul grew deeper.

I remembered attending a wedding the other week, at which the pretty bridesmaid sat at my table. A guy on my table tried very hard to pick her up that day, which I later found out he failed. I remembered asking the newly weds afterwards about that girl and some of the other girls at the wedding. Was this a sign of desperation?

I realised that my life was very fulfilling, filled with so many things to do and with so many people. But I also realised that a part of my life was missing - a part of me that I am yearning to love and be loved.

I saw that I may be very choosy. Many girls have appeared in my life, whom I have shown no interest to at all. My head was filled with the irony about relationships in that they work both ways - you would be able to choose or reject another and they would be able to choose or reject you.

The wind continued to blow. My mind continued to wander into the eternally vast sphere of void and emptiness.